Well if'n my two close female friends are telling me I need to give My Love time to sort things out, and my close male friend is telling me I've been dumped and to get over it as a learning lesson and their are other fish in the sea: I will take my two close female friend's advice. One said something, and when I shared with my second female friend, she agreed with my first female friend. I need to buck up my emotional stability. And boy howdy I am old enough to listen to two good friends advice who are women, to any two dozen male friends advice; although I was advised by only one male friend. I'll get over it.
Well my emotions are Not a faucet. I opened my heart and soul and mind and mind to my ex-girlfriend and love her for who she is period. Unconditionally as she promised she feels for me, unconditional love. Emotional stability. Sheet I am an utter wreck. I am not hungry, not tired especially with my sleep disturbances so that is scary. I mean I have not felt like I do at such a loss since 1983. Neither ex-wives did I pang such deeply wrenching emotions, and no other girlfriends either. 1983 was an immature relationship as it was my "first." Like in everything I was immature, and boy was I not ready for any kind of relationship at that point in my life. My emotions are not like a faucet.
So emotional stability and 2 dear friends who care for me as sisters from another mother told me this, that I need to work on my emotional stability. Another task I will accomplish because you see, my whole insides throughout my driving today felt as though my heart and everything else had just been scooped out of me and I felt such loss of any emotion. I had to drive although while driving I kept very diligent in praying of "Emotional Stability", which both of my two friends said they will be praying for me to successfully accomplish. So I am trying to shut down some of my sorrow like suppress my sorrow.
Suppressing things inside lead me to sorrow through my life, and another excuse to drink and make more excuses. I stopped making excuses when I set down the bottle, regaining my life back. Emotional stability? I am sorrowed at the possibility much less the reality that what I thought and sought, and followed through with, that we will never return to any loss. IF that's emotional insecurity then so be it.
I know I must follow through and give My Love her time and space. If we become a stronger us, I am 1000 times blessed. And If we remain friends, then I am blessed also.
Thinking about my Sweetness today when I allowed my guard to be down, brought the hollow feelings way down deep surface again and I had to stop thing about anything. Did listen to music today. I don't usually listen music while I drive passengers, although I always offer. Music distracted my thinking enough so I did not have to hear myself think. I like driving without music and thinking usually, although today I definitely did not want to be alone with my thoughts today and music was an awesome distraction, except when the love songs came on and I'd shed tears.
Hey give me a break. I am working on myself here. I mean how can I be better for myself. Same as with conquering my alcoholism, working through my mind is an awesome necessary task. I will persevere because I want to be a better person. And heavens I pray it is Sweetness. And if it is not to be then God grant me the time to heal because healing from this will take time. And so indeed time will tell. Time will tell indeed.
And I am sorely sad. I have work to do on myself regardless of if we will ever be us again.
Thank God I am sober at last. Especially now because I would have never experienced the level of love I feel that I am feeling right now. I am sad and I am thankful I feel all of my emotions now. For now I al finally learning how to truly love another. Regardless of if we ever are us again, I enjoy the love I leaned with My Sweetness.
My doctor's appointment is for this Thursday 7 January at 1000. I have been practicing on making sure I act as "normal" as possible when I see her for my appointment. How do I learn in two days how to remove the sorrow from my eyes? How do I smile at My Love with the genuine love I feel without betraying my sorrow. Practice. I do not want to place any pressure on her. I want her to feel and be empowered by what she feels she needs to do. I am working on my face to put on so our visit is memorable and she wants to see me again.
Well since I had horrible sleep last night and the night before and the night before so I am exhausted beyond belief and will be heading to bed. Letting go is the hardest experience of my life and I am sad and happy. Happy because My Love has what she needs. And I love her unconditionally and I am happy for her. Sincerely I am happy she has what she needs.
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