I Am So Vain

 All my deep prayers of healing for My Love, and vainly I presume my life is forever. I could be killed while driving a rideshare passenger and leave Sweetness without me here for her.  I will die twice if God does not allow me to be her St. Michael and defend her against all evil.

No one. Nobody. Will ever hurt My Love while I stand with her. I have been relearning some hits and bunches and pen stabs for I will die defending My Love. And I am not joking. Violence is NOT me however and I do add a qualifier, I will aggressively violently attack anyone who is an emanate threat with what I have learned in life to prevent another attack....of violence...which was perpetuated upon me by Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas.  His attack on me in college leaves me with a gradually increasing nerve damage which I am constantly overcoming by auxiliary usage of that hand to shoulder. God help me if I ever see Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas in a crosswalk because I WILL RUN THE MO FO DOWN AT HIGH SPEED.

And that is why through my life sense then I have gone to the aid of those who are in need of assistance. More than a dozen college students who lived on my dorm floor watched as (DR Mengele now) twisted my left arm so far behind my back that my fingers touched my head. No need to explain the guy who now is a pastor of a large church in OKC, constricting my wrist with a belt and stretching me out the opposite way cruciform. And the humiliation of nobody coming to my aid. AND THE COLLEGE AND LOCAL POLICE DOING NOTHING BUT DEFERING HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY WRESTLING COACH FOR PUNNISHMENT.  THIS SUBHUMAN BEAT UP MANY PEOPLE AND WAS A DATE RAPIEST AS I LATER RESEARCHED AND REALIZED.

AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN EVER.

And I am so vain as to believe I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I am so vain though that is what I ask from God.

Ain't ever happening again.

Ain't ever happening again.

I mean this is a sobriety blog from a sober alcoholic.

Well what can I write about my sobriety other than it is going awesomely. Haven't wanted any alcohol since about week two or three of my first month of sobriety.

I just don't get folks, alcoholics who ritualistically continue to say on one hand I want to be sober, while on or rather in the other hand is another glass of whatever poison going inside to kill themselves.

Quit is quit. Or another fuuking excuse to drink another glass of poison.

On the other hand is my former spiritual leader. Our church had literally died down to he and I after my mom died 6 years ago. And out of honour and my need to maintain a certain normalcy, we continued to meet in my home after mom died. 

And Pastor X would drink. And his drinking became a noticeable problem to me sometime about seven months ago. I began doubling back on his vehicle when he left my home after church and lunch. He would say he was going home. I would watch his vehicle pass from my observation place headed in the opposite direction and back to his favorite pub.

And then there were the past several years of his sounding impaired and sometimes intoxicated. And then 4 weeks ago I needed a ride after popping my tire. He answered and sounded impaired. I challenged him. He said he wasn't impaired. I missed a call from him 45 minutes later while still at my breakdown site. His message when I listened to it was from an obviously very intoxicated man. The tow truck driver said he would drive me home. I called my friend and told him I had a ride home.

The next day I sent him a text message with his intoxicated voice message attached.

And I have not heard from him since.

After over ten 10 years as my pastor

He has ghosted me

And because I do not want to live responsible for any deaths he may cause while drinking and driving

I called his family. 

An 83 year old man should not be alone to drink and drive intoxicated. His family is stepping in to control him.

I could not stand by and be responsible for an old drunk killing anyone. 

And that's how the church my mom once attended has now ended. I will not attend a church where the pastor is not in control of their alcohol consumption.

I Live With Regrets In Life No More.

 I have lived with regrets in life before

I shall no more.

This love I feel

Is real

Deeply

Real.

With Open Arms I Dance With My Love

the child in me doesn't ever want to let go of such a magnificent woman

My prayers and dreams are to slowly grow to better know the true depths of the most wonderful woman I have even grown to know.

the child in me kicks and screams and cries NO

i have just begun to know this amazing treasure

i never knew existed on this planet

and i cannot imagine not getting to grow and know

More.

The man I am, a Christian knows I am here for my love

To be the man she needs

And deserves

For my love is unconditional

And I am tied to her heart

And as a Christian I know it will be God's will

And whatever forever is 

I am honoured God chose me

To know the most precious human I have ever known

And I am ready for forever whatever forever really is

Standing with her in partnership

For us and her

For whatever she needs most 

Is ultimately 

What too I want most for her

For I love her unconditionally

Enough to give her back to God

If he deems my all too brief time with her

Is all the time I get

My sorrow still is for her

My tears still fall for her dreams

My tears still fall for her family.

So Praise God Almighty.

I am not going down sorrows trail

For that is Not the way of the Lord

And His pathway for us I celebrate

Because I refuse to believe anything else

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away

And so I pray. 

I pray. 

I pray.

I pray.

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away.

And she is made whole.

And so I pray

I pray

I pray

I pray

Sometimes There Are Prayers. Sometimes There Are Tears. But It's Still Always God's Will...

 Sometimes There Are Prayers,

Sometimes There Are Tears,

Sometimes There Is Acceptance,

But It's Still Always God's Will..

And my Dearest Love is the most special wonderful woman I have ever been graced by God with introduction. And I just want to pray away all her afflictions and watch her stand healed. And my love for her family knows the same boundless energy. And my love for My Loving Sweetness knows boundless energy. And she deserves love. And she deserves strength. And she deserves her dreams. And My Love for My Love is deep. And I just pray and pray and pray all day for her health to be whole. And my praying is unceasing. And I accept what is to be forever whatever forever is. My Love Is So Deep. My Love Is So Deep For My Love. And I weep for her before Jesus' feet to be healed. And I pray thank God almighty I am sober at last. Oh Jesus please allow My Love to be healed at last too.

Sometimes there are prayers. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is acceptance. But there is still always God's will.  Oh please Jesus, allow My Love to be healed too.

Being Better. Man. Christian. Partner. Human.

 I am not weak. I am human. I've pulled from my toenails deep to pull my emotional security up to snuff. I have grown as a Christian, a man, a partner to who I need to be. For me, for God, and for My Love. (Note: I don't use my girlfriend's name for privacy reasons, so I do get gushy about how I describe her in place of her name. My prerogative as blog writer lol.) The changes I made for My Sweetness, were and are necessary for my growth as a Christian and My Love's partner. My changes were and are necessary towards me being a more stable individual; unlike so many of my earned behaviours throughout my life. Between my reactions and whatever attitude from my assaults', and my alcoholism, and whatever I was never diagnosed with; I needed to become a more stable individual away from my lifelong patterns of behaviours and reactionary living. If I had not experienced such growth as an individual in all ways, I simply would not have grown so closely with the woman I love so closely, and continue to draw more closely with.

So I am here for My Love for as long as forever is to be forever for us. I love so deeply. My depth of love embraces me so warmly. My expression of how to better express my love for My Dearest Friend, is near the only way I can truly express my love for My Love. So daily I  attempt to build her a foundation from love, to support her best as I can. And I sure am not willing to surrender her to anyone but God. But God did Grace us together.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.

Thank God Almighty I Have Returned To Love.

I Dearly Love My Dearest Love.

Oh God Please Be Merciful To Her.

Blessed To Be Who I Am For My Love.

At this time in her life My Love needs me to be the emotionally strong man I am. I am her human rock now for I love her so deeply. My care for her so deep within my being. My desire for her happiness greater than for my own. I could not have ever been the man I am any other way than sober. Incredible living love so deep. So deeply. Such joy. 

My Joy. God so Graced me with the amazing woman I love. I will consider none other spot to be than at My Sweetest Love's side for as long as forever long I may be there at her side. 

My place is to be always at her side, for as long as for long as forever long we can be beside one to another. 

Our place I pray is together forever long as forever long God grants us to be. For as long as My Dear Love needs and wants me to be there for her. 

I want and pray and desire what is best for My Loving Sweetness forever, however forever long is to be.

I love her so deeply tears well up in my eyes, my core trembles happily, and I always thank God He introduced me to an amazingly, awesomely, fantastically, wonderfully human being whom I love beyond what I thought I could ever love another human being.

Whatever forever is going to be with My Loving Sweetness, is blessings from God.

Thank God Almighty I am sober and sharing my life with such an amazingly incredible woman and the woman I love, My Best Friend Ever.

i just pray i could hug her all better. I pray my prayers answered.

 yup:(

cancer sucks so badly

i am so very sad my girlfriend is sad

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better

I Pray Unceasingly For Her Healing.

I pray my prayers answered.

i am sad

I am at peace that if God chooses her return,

That Sweetness will be home and at peace.

I will miss her so very much that I pray instead,

And refuse to acknowledge the worse.

I pray my prayers answered.

And dance in delight that my prayers have been answered,

And Jesus has thrown away the cancer and made her whole.

And I continue to pray. And pray. Unceasingly. I pray my prayers answered.

cancer sucks so badly

scary mean beast

i am sad

and she

And we are at peace either way.

And time will tell.

And time will tell.

And dance in delight that I have said the word only. And she has said the word only.

i am so very sad for my girlfriend.

i just pray i could hug her all better.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

And I pray. And I pray.

And I pray she is healed.

I pray my prayers answered.

And cancer still sucks.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better.

I pray my prayers answered.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. Please strike that evil devil's rebuke from her body and heal her whole and clean from any cancerous affliction. OH PLEASE GOD ALMIGHTY. Not now that we each have found happiness from true deep love. And her children who need her loving shepherding. Especially one child of hers. And she finally has a career as a doctor which she has always wanted to attain. And she finally has built a life she has always has wanted to earn; and is earning her long sweat. Dear God she has so much to give to life. She has so much to live for. I am so sad for My Dearest Love. I can feel her distant sadness. Oh how I hurt for her. I feel her tears. I keep praying to God to continue allowing me to carry her whatever she needs. Whether her sadness, pain, worry, whatever troubles are burdening her, I ask God to continue allowing me to feel and experience and carry her burden for. I am so grateful God allows me to carry her pains and emotional burdens. He is answering my prayers for her. That I carry as much as I am able for her. I pray she feels the sweet loving embrace of Jesus every night she lays to sleep. I pray her pains alleviate for tender rest.

She needs me most now to carry her fears and sorrows and I am honoured as I do. And more for whatever God blesses me to carry for her for I am healed and able to resume carrying her burdens. And honoured and blessed I am able to do so.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

And I am sad because CANCER SUCKS CANCER SUCKS CANCER SUCKS. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober However now amount of serenity praying will make cancer anything else but SUCKING. CANCER SUCKS. And no amount of praying The Serenity Prayer, will ever change the fact that CANCER SUCKS.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

As when I look upon her face.

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. Ima Sober Alcoholic

So Here I Am Again. Deeply Full Of Love.

 Forever is never guaranteed for anything other than right now. Forever whatever forever is; I so long for with My Love. Forever is such a granite wall. Hard and impervious.  Forever is also all of the stars filling a dark night sky, and extending as far as the light we see afar. Never have I loved another and I now I love so deeply as to need and want forever whatever forever is to be enough time to love her.  I pray to God for His Son to anoint us both with a long time for forever to be longer that whatever forever is; and The Holy Ghost to anoint us both with longevity to both enjoy a relationship truly blessed with and sustained with the love we have for each other. Whatever forever is, I certainly do pray upon my bended knees and from deep within my soul, that our forever whatever forever is, is long. I want to propose and marry this wonderful woman with whom God has blessed me to know forever, whatever forever really is. I feel such deeply affectionate love for Sweetness, I pray forever is longer for us than whatever forever is. Amen.

X.O. Ima Sober Alcoholic Thank God Almighty I Am A Sober Alcoholic.

Communication. I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time.

 We are suitably matched. We communicated.  Communication is key. We are closer still. Time will tell. As I grow closer to Jesus, too I grow to love myself, and too grow learning how to better love My Love. God blessed me with his precious gift Sweetness, and where my treasure is, also is my heart. What a beautiful relationship we are building. I am blessed.

Thank You God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Thank God Almighty two awesome amazing and imperfect people such as the two of us, did meet someone capable of loving the other unconditionally. 

I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Learning. If first I serve God, then My Love, then both services will strengthen and embolden me stronger: whatever forever holds.

 Learning. Through love. God's love and timing, not mine. I love deeply and I pray that is okay. devil's doubt almost caught me last night. God caught me last night. It's okay for me to love as deeply as I love my girlfriend. She has her own level's of need and expression. It's okay for me to feel left out while she is fulfilling her needs, as long as I remember to fulfill my needs outside of our relationship and maintain my heart true to our relationship, all I pray is good.

I've much to learn as God's not done with me yet. I pray what I am learning is to meet and succeed what my girlfriend needs while meeting my needs too. Too also in as deep prayerfully for her needs as I need to be mindful in fulfilling my needs also; thereby also I am praying, building a better relationship and life for us and our future as too I pray I am building a better future for My Love. Whatever forever holds for My Love's future, with or without me, I am praying I am ever mindful of her needs first in our relationship.  If first I serve God, then My Love, then both services will strengthen and embolden me stronger: whatever forever holds.

Prayer Works. Learning Patience. Learning Love.

 Emotional stability.  Thoughtfulness of others and too myself. Always others first. My prayers were for emotional stability and too of self love. Too much in my life had lead me to believe that I did not deserve to be loved and so my life had shown so until 6 August 2014. Learning to truly love myself albeit began with sobering up to conviction of sobriety has been a road. A road which lead me upward and then down upon my knees looking down and then up. Learning to love myself began an amazing growth inwardly and outwardly 16 November 2020 when I met The Most Amazing woman I have ever met. Incredibly  intelligent, quick to laugh and witty as wonderfully witty can be. Incredible dimples and a smile which catches my insides aglow. Just to look at her face makes my breath change and my heart calm. Her energy is so positive and her Christianity is an inspiration and constant reminder that I can do better. Better for Him, myself, and for my love. 

Learning confidence in loving myself, and learning confidence that I am truly worthy of the love being shown to me, is such an amazing gift from God. And learning even more greatly how to return love as it is needed and accepted. Humbling for me to think I know so much and yet realizing that I am so unknowledgeable about how to love.  Humbling that such an amazing woman as with whom is sharing building a relationship with me. Humbling that I have not learned how to love myself and love myself better in order to be building an incredible relationship as we are. Humbling that God chose me for her. Indeed for where my treasure is, there also is my heart. My heart goes with her always, for I love her as deeply as the Bible teaches.

Learning patience has its rewards. 

The more the better for my love I shall try and support always her needs as I support mine also: with the love of God.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Originally Published Here 9 July 2016. Ima Sober Alcoholic. Renamed to: The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet. How will you arise and make your greet?

Original name: "A Lifetime Share.

Et tu?"

It is now named:

___________________________

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I have had my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Believe me when I say this because, I thought myself a connoisseur. 

There are many types of liquor flavors,

I attempted to try them all because of the flavor.

True the flavor; true it is alcohol too.

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you,

Each and everyone of you deserves your lifetime portion of this potion.

Will you also fail your survey of flavors and varieties of liquor just like I did?

And do you believe wrongly or rightly so that unlike me

Alcohol will never become your foe?

Or will it has it already become so?

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

It is not that we choose to breathe or for our heart to beat,

It is though how we choose to live our life,

Which will lead us to our victories.

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol,

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you.

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Et tu?

Ima Sober Alcoholic

i wish i

 i wish i could call and get a hug delivered tonight and not feel selfish

Thank God Almighty. He Blessed Me With Meeting Her.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her.

And I am so ever very grateful.

Amen. 

Ima Sober Alcoholic

My Heart Has Never Stopped Dreaming. By Ima Sober Alcoholic.

My heart has never stopped dreaming.

My doubts have faded

My life is better either way.

My return to love is forever whatever forever is to be

My Love has not faded. 

My dreams remain whatever forever holds.

My future dream is for My Love to be happiest however she determines best.

My heart can never break about Sweetness, for I honestly purely unconditionally love My Sweetness.

My soul is forever happy whatever forever holds that I risked it all and returned to love.

I returned to love with the most beautiful woman in the World that I shall ever meet.

I love beyond what ever before I realized I could, and love unconditionally.

I am forever whatever forever is Awesomely delighted My Love is with whom I returned to love with, whatever forever is.

I am forever whatever forever is indebted To My Loving Sweetness for dancing in our warm embrace for whatever forever hold.

 And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is That My Loving Sweetness Is Happy Forever Whatever Forever Is.

Ima Sober Alcoholic 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, Never have been as bright, As since when my heart first discovered hers. Every voice I have heard, Has never been such serene song, As when my ears fill with her music. All the faces I have seen, Never sparked my totality so full of love, As when I look upon her face. And I am blessed yes. Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. And I am so ever very grateful. Amen. Ima Sober Alcoholic

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. This is about how I feel. I am trying to meet My Love's vocalized needs. One of which is my not asking what she's doing daily as that can be construed as control, as in tracking somebody. So I do not know if I am doing this correctly? Am I not supposed to ask what she's doing for the week? Will I be intruding on her space, when I am interested in her day and plans, just because I care and want to know about more of what she is enjoying? Finding out what she's doing at the last minute is interesting for me. I long to be there a part of a couple of people in a relationship invited as us, and cannot. I would have it none other way because that's her stated need. I am learning about myself. Real new inner examination. And I do not know what to share and ask about and share what my needs are without intruding into what My Love has stated that she needs. I feel like I am loosing out by not being able to ask more without feeling as though I am intruding. How will I know since I feel I should not ask as that would be intrusive of me? And so I will do because of my deep infinity I have never felt of another human as my life has bloomed in our relationship. And so whatever must be done to build our trust I will do.

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. Not being able to at this time, share with the world that we are a couple leaves me feeling a bit as a second. My feelings. Necessary at this point in her life. Because I love her unconditionally I must do as is best for her. And be there for her. How do I share my feelings and still have her confident in knowing, that the boundaries she needs and has asked for as I do provide; honestly leaves me speechless sometimes because I do not want to add any more strain on her life, and only truly want to add and build for her life (alas praying for our life); so what else do I do but to maintain the boundaries she's asked me to maintain. How do I try and maintain those of her stated needs, to inquire as to when they have been changed? At what point will I know when my marching orders have changed? 

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. Doubt? Well not really; let's call it loving someone so deeply that I am willing to wait for her growth. Growth I am earnestly praying in my direction of course. Though deepest still I am praying for her best before God of all of her talents and wisdom and strengths for a long (whatever long is) time as happy as God blesses her. Of course, of course as my heart has never felt such love as I feel. Oh if'n I only knew what to do. Should I even ask if we are going to church, or should I just let it happen? I wish I knew? devil get your doubt out of my head. Jesus fill my mind and soul and body, so I may better understand and do Your will for me in this relationship. And grow better for me. Better for You. Better for the woman I profess to You for whom I love such a deep connection. And so I must now meditate and pray from Him for what I should do as I do not know. And so I go on bended knee to pray; how better can I serve Him in order to better be a better partner. 

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. And so I pray how I can do better today: for God, My Love, and myself. Time will tell as I will continue to try learning how best to love God, myself and my girlfriend.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. I go about my way learning how to love another better than I have ever known before. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last to experience this such as great a love I have ever felt. Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. Amen.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last, as I muddle my way through this all learning all the way as I go. And Praying unto you that I have this relationship right by all.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life,

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard,

Has never been such serene song,

As when my ears fill with her music.

All the faces I have seen,

Never sparked my totality so full of love,

As when I look upon her face.

And I am blessed yes.

Thank God Almighty,

He blessed me with meeting her.

And I am so ever very grateful.

Amen.

Ima Sober Alcoholic..............Thank God Almighty.

Revised. I Never Went Back To Sleep. I Returned To Love With The Most Beautiful Woman In The World That I Shall Ever Meet. And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is.

  I never went back to sleep from my early awakening this morning. I tried though. And each time I fell asleep I awakened realizing I had accepted the future whatever the future was. With My Love and I as deeply dear friends, or returning to a better us and a relationship forever whatever forever really is.

My heart has never stopped dreaming.

My doubts have faded

My life is better either way.

My return to love is forever whatever forever is to be

My Love has not faded. 

My dreams remain whatever forever holds.

My future dream is for My Love to be happies however she determines best.

My heart can never break about Sweetness for I honestly purely unconditionally love My Sweetness.

My soul is forever happy whatever forever holds that I risked it all and returned to love.

I returned to love with the most beautiful woman in the World that I shall ever meet.

I love beyond what ever before I realized I could and love unconditionally.

I am forever whatever forever is Awesomely delighted My Love is with whom I returned to love with, whatever forever is.

I am forever whatever forever is indebted To My Loving Sweetness for dancing in our warm embrace for whatever forever hold.

 And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is That My Loving Sweetness Is Happy Forever Whatever Forever Is.

I Never Went Back To Sleep. I Returned To Love With The Most Beautiful Woman In The World That I Shall Ever Meet. And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is.

 I never went back to sleep from my early awakening this morning. I tried though. And each time I fell asleep I awakened realizing I had accepted the future whatever the future was. With My Love and I as deeply dear friends, or returning to a better us and a relationship forever whatever forever really is.

My heart has never stopped dreaming.

My doubts have faded

My life is better either way.

My return to love is forever whatever forever is to be

My Love has not faded. 

My dreams remain whatever forever holds.

My future dream is for My Love to be happies however she determines best.

My heart can never break about Sweetness for I honestly purely unconditionally love My Sweetness.

My soul is forever happy whatever forever holds that I risked it all and returned to love.

I returned to love with the most beautiful woman in the World that I shall ever meet.

I love beyond what ever before I realized I could and love unconditionally.

I am forever whatever forever is Awesomely delighted My Love is with whom I returned to love with, whatever forever is.

I am forever whatever forever is indebted To My Loving Sweetness for dancing in our warm embrace for whatever forever hold.

 And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is That My Loving Sweetness Is Happy Forever Whatever Forever Is.

6 Years and 5 Months Sober. I Am Void Of Thought Of What I Want To Write Yet. I Will Post Tonight.

No Getting Around It

 I love MY Love.  I already miss our deep connecting communications. I awoke after little more than 5.5 hours of sleep. I awake with thoughts of the woman I love. I have never awakened so loving somebody and get a stomach ache. I feel at peace although the peace I feel is that she has determined to return East and closer to where her family is. She replaced one picture of the beach from Christmas after replacing it with a picture of mine with a second picture of the beach. She shared she loves the beach and wants to return to it. Her second picture of the beach she replaced with for her Facebook picture, a friend asked if she had returned there, she replied no that she really wanted to..............................I want her to be happy so deeply from within myself that I have already accepted that she is moving away from here, at least in her mind..................................... The peace I felt last night I am wondering if the calm I felt two nights ago was really her prayers that I would be okay after she leaves.............Maybe not.  I am reading so many different signals right now.

I am felling a million losses right now so I am not sure of what I am receiving as a message anymore. I don't know if I am unable to feel what she feels or if our connection is fading. Anyway I look at it I am very happy My Love is seeking out what will really bring her a the greatest happiness. 

I love her so much I awoke realizing with great sadness that I accept her decision regardless of my hurt because ultimately I love her so unconditionally; and also of my feelings because they are My Greatest Love in my life, and her choice for her best happiness. \At the same sadness for her I am so happy that she will and is happy. My greatest working was that I would bring her happiness. I will be the happiest when My Love is happiest. 

I pray for her forever. Thank God Almighty I am sober.

Thank God I am sober and experiencing the full love of this our relationship whatever the future holds for each of us independently,

I only ever worked to bring My Love Happiness. And I am Happy when My Love is Happiest. And if I am unable to bring her happiness that I love her enough to accept this. With caveat of my deepest sorrow of seeing her go.

I am so very Happy for My Love. Thank God Almighty I am Sober and am feeling every experience of our relationship. I shall never whatever the future circumstance be anything else excepte deeply and truly and honestly so deeply loving this woman that I shall carry her in my heart until my own physical death.

I am deeply happy My Love is Happy. Thank God Almighty I am sober.

God Almighty Please Bring My Love Your Unconditional And Everlasting Peace. She Is The Most Beautiful Woman I Have Ever Known. AMEN

 What more need I say?

The title says it all. 

If you need to read it again I will write it out for you my readers in slightly larger print.

God Almighty Please Bring My Love Your Unconditional And Everlasting Peace. She Is The Most Beautiful Woman I Have Ever Known. AMEN.

Building. Loving. Praying. I Have Never Loved Another Such As I Love My Lovely Sweetness.

 I am praying emotional stability throughout my day. What is it? How to build mine stronger? How to view what I need to fix, build stronger what is good, and discard what is harmful. And of course will it be enough. Am I enough? And is my sadness appropriately being shown? Am I man enough? Is it okay for me to be sad? It's not about me anyway. It is about her needs. What does she need and how can I provide for her what she needs? Am I emotionally stable enough? My two and dear female friends share with me that I need do more. 

I am loving Sweetness throughout the day and praying unceasingly for her peace, wellness, and strength to carry her through with courage.  Of course I pray for her. I feel such a connection. A deeply unabating connection. Last night I was feeling so down. And then suddenly a whoosh of Heavenly peace washed over me. Like a wave of peacefulness, and I suddenly felt calm and at peace. I knew My Love was praying for me then. I text her, "You must be praying real hard?" She replied, "Y" And I replied, "I can feel your prayers." "Good." She replied. Sweetness has never shared with me if she can feel me too as I can feel her from a distance. 

I have never been angry or upset with her decision for a step back. I am solely responsible for how I feel and no one else. That I hurt is my responsibility and they are my feelings. No she has not hurt me by what she needs to do; I can only love her more and let go. I cannot hold her back from her decision of what she must do to survive. It is her life and never mine. Yes I'd like to join my life with hers and vice a versa however, it is still her life and my life incorporated into something greater. Maybe not forever, but why not till the ending days of one of us. Isn't that "forever"?

Alas, I am grateful for this blog. I utilize it now as I did in the past. To better understand my thoughts. To better understand my sober thought more in particular. To better understand my life better. And especially now to better understand what my life needs improving upon. Most especially now how I can build myself stronger. Strong enough to truly be emotionally stable enough to be the man my Sweetness needs and most importantly a man she deserves. Me. A better me. A me who is emotionally stable. 

I am praying nonstop for the health, wellbeing, strength, soul, heart, mind, body, her very depth I pray for because I truly, honest to God love her. And I am praying for her future happiness regardless of whether we will ever return to being us. 

I love her enough to seek out the life she needs and wants for her best interest.  I love Sweetness so much I am prepared to sadly watch her depart from my life and move away. I desire her to be happy wherever she needs to go to be happy. I love her that much unconditionally. 

If she were not happy building a life with me, I would regret holding My Love back from what she desires. Whatever she desires and makes her happy ultimately will bring me the greatest happiness. Writing this paragraph here is making me cry so hard that I am having trouble seeing the keyboard. I really want and need for My Love to be happiest where she needs to be. I love her that much.  Thank God Almighty I  Am Sober. Thank God Almighty I am sober to feel such depth of emotion for another human being enough to desire more than what I want or need, in order that My Love is truly Happy with her life. I desire her happiness above mine when it comes to this relationship. I desire My Love's happiness more than mine; is an emotion I have never felt for another. I desire My Love's happiness.

Thank God Almighty I am sober. I have never felt such love for another human being besides my daughters. I have never loved another such as I love My Love.

Goodnight. Maybe tonight is the night I will sleep restfully. Time will tell.

I have never honestly loved another unconditionally such as I love My Love.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace. Amen.

Good Reason To Be Scared. I Am Not Feeling Bodily Well.

 Went to bed by about 10pm. awoke with runnies at 0600 exhausted. Went potty several times and fell back asleep dizzy. I am dizzy now. No other signs or symptoms. Just tired and dizzy. Eight 8 hours of sleep followed by another two hours of sleep and I am wrung out. I feel physically as though a cloud is in my brain. Although I clearly can think, it is as though a fog is clouding my day throughout my mind. I do not have the expounding energy that I have experienced the past few days.

I only took 25mg of diphenhydramine, yesterday in the last 4 hours of being awake. NO ETOH AND I MEAN NONE. Ate a little breakfast and no lunch and a dinner Norman brought over which was from the food bank which was a 3 pound food service bag of prepared frozen chicken/beef taco meat. Tomatoes, an apple. 1/2 gallon of water. GABA I took at 8pm not 4 because of sadness I forgot ond was thinking and blogging. Subling under the tongue drops of one on time. Coffee extruda late and off timing by 2 hours and only took X2 dose not X3. 

I feel F'd up. Like I am wasted which really sucks because I need to earn money towards everything thereby necessitating I drive rideshare and make money God Help me. Lack of sleep; lack of money; doubt of what will eventually happen ultimately with Sweetness and I , even though God's got my worry I keep taking it back to carry myself. No doubt, just real concern for My Love's wellbeing. I want to be there for her to assist in all manners as I have done since we met for her and now she has to do these tasks which I can do better for her to help her strengthen her life.

By this time in my blogging over the past couple of weeks, I am energized at this point on the blog page. I am not today. I still feel really F'd Up still. Concerned yes. I am praying I do not get worse before my appoint with Dr. Sweetness. No I am not going to bother her. She has more important patients to see. I will do fine eventually I am praying while driving and lift from the fog wrapping my thoughts with a cloud. I can think ok although my head feels like it is wrapped inside with gauze. Concerned yes however there is nothing to do but pray I get better throughout today and definitely before Thursday at 1000 AM when my appointment with her is. She definitely doesn't need the worry of me right now. She's got enough shit on her plate without me bothering her. I will get through this myself just as I have done before. 

Pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my ass working without excuse. Nobody is going to help me except me. Only person I can count on. usually. is me. If I don't get'er done nobody will do it for me. Besides I do not want My Love to be concerned neither do I wish or want her to think I am a schlep and just seeking attention to see her. I am not. I don't feel normal right now, whatever normal is for me. 

And I gave her my word which means infinitely lots to me. I gave her my word I will not bother her. I am in line to see her like every other patient of hers. I respect her deeply and I def don't want her to think I am seeking attention. And now I am really glad My Love doesn't read my blog. I will deal with this myself without adding strain and worry to her day. I am praying a beginning resolution comes my way beginning with my Thursday doctors visit. And I appreciate any friends who read this knowing it is me to remain silent out of respect for My Love and me. Her plate is full. 

Please pray for me. Tomorrow is my 6 years and 5 month anniversary. Hopefully USA's civil war doesn't begin tomorrow. I promised I will remain close enough to My Love to support and protect her as long as possible. I sure wish she would accept my $1000 dollars cash or credit card loan to fix her broken tooth. I am so worried about her inner strength right now since concerns of how she looks fill her head right now. She is beautiful tome. I have never known a more beautiful woman in my life. 

Well time to stop writing and hit the road. Ain't nobody gonna do it for me. And what good am I as a potential spouse when I have no potential. So on I drive. 

I still feel as I have described above without change due to my blogging. I can think clearly, just with the feeling that the outside of my dura matter is wrapped about between it and my skull. Got to get it done and make money. Please pray for my health and wellbeing to grow strong again. Thank you and peace. 

Thank God I Am Sober. Sober and free from my addiction. Thank God Almighty Indeed for I am forever grateful for my sobriety. Gotta be well enough to celebrate my 6 and 5 anniversary tomorrow. Actually I will go on the little pre-sunrise hike regardless of how I feel. It is my anniversary and I will keep my plans even if I feel like sheet tomorrow morning too. I am sober now and forever, and if'n God choses my life to end tomorrow on my hike that I am soberly celebrating my anniversary the second best way I know how because of circumstances being what they are, then so be it. At least I was sober and living life the best I could. Oh boy now I have a headache. Day is only getting better. Time will tell how well I am.

Sobriety is awesome. My sadness I pray abates into acceptance soon for I am sad. I am tired. But F-ing A regardless I am sober and that really is all that really matters at my ending. It is what it is.

Thank God I Am Sober At Last. Amen.

I Am Scared To Go To Bed. But I Must.

 Scared because I probably will not sleep. How much? How long? If? And if I will go back to sleep once awakening again. I am exhausted. Physically exhausted. But I am sober. My heart I am tired.

Haven't Written A Poem To You Since Forever. Je' Me' Souviens. I Post This Here Hoping One Day You Read This Poem.

 Je' Me' Souviens:

I myself remember: Our first conversation messaging on messenger. And how my sending you a picture of the Tallgrass Prairie bison a day later inspired you to inquire about going there with me. And we visited there on day six of our first in person introduction one to the other. My mind was captured then way before we arrived via dirt road in Kansas. And the church. And the cow with those black and white patterns. And your laughter. And your smile. And your dimples. And your zest for life. And inviting me back for a thirteen and a half hour first date. And your beauty captured my heart. My Love.

Je' me' souviens: Your buoyant spirit. And your sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences and your family, and joys, sorrows, highlights, and your conquering so many various aspects of your life. You are an amazing woman. And sharing grits and eggs on our first date. You are an amazing cook whose cooking I honestly enjoy. You are an amazing spirit whom I love. And how kindly you speak to people. And how patient you are with your patients, and friends, and to me. And our New Year's Eve. My Love. 

I myself remember: Cooking in the kitchen together. Flipping your mattress for you. And watching movies and watching the White Christmas singalong at the drive-in. And have I mentioned lately how beautiful you are and how your determination to be the best you can be is so sexy. I love you. I pray for you. I hope for you. I dreamed of you from our first week of knowing each other. You voice i hear with fond love filling my soul and our connection. Feeling more than feelings. My time with you more than I could have dreamed possible. Thank you for being and treating and speaking and touching me and teaching me how to love you. My Love.

Je' Me' Souveins: And time will tell and show us what we have and if it is enough for forever however long forever shall be for us My Love. There is so much I could write of our time together however that is best spent sharing together alone together. My Love.

_____________________________________________________________________

Not my best because I am distracted by not knowing the future.

And that's a sober man's dream woman.

And On The 13th Day Of Christmas My Sobriety Gave To Me, 6 Years And 5 Months.

Well I am taking at least part of Epiphany off.  It is my six years and five months of sobriety anniversary.  Since my now ex-girlfriend and I were going to celebrate together, as she said it was my special day, and now I do not want to pressure her into celebrating with me since she shared with me she needs a break and time away from me; I am going to do something special for me.

This last year was a bear, and the breakup of my relationship into friendship with Sweetness, leaves me so hollow that I want and need to do something to congratulate myself.  Can't pat myself on the back, (I need a back scratching lol), though I will think of something to do which is special to me.  Heck I have been alone near all of my sobriety anniversaries, so what the heck is one more.  I did it for me anyway.

So be it that she won't be celebrating with me, for I really looked forward to sharing my special day with her.  She needs space and time and I sure as the heck don't want to intrude into her life unless she invites me to conversation.  Since Sweetness needs time away from me, I will not be the one to invade her space.  That would not be peaceful for her.  My heart yearns for My Love to be at peace.  I pray for peace for her as often as I think about her.

So I will find something to do for myself and celebrate solo my accomplishment which I am vainly proud I accomplished, and continue accomplishing.  It is what it is that I will be solo, but it's not the first time and it will not be the last. 

Thank God Almighty I am Free at Last. 

I am sober.

Originally Published By Me Here on 26 August 2016 Worthy Reposting

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE

I am so lucky to have succeeded academically for my first three and a half years as a full-time university student.  I have mentioned in my previous blogs that this was also during my last three and a half years of binge drinking alcoholism.

The changing of my thinking through my academic pursuit before I quit drinking,
and the continued changing of my thinking post sobering up as I continued my academic pursuit;
I believe contributed significantly to my continued sobriety.
Sobering up addicts from any addiction must change their thinking.
Although I don't recommend full-time university studies for everybody,
I do recommend some mental challenges with sobriety's changes. 
This is the reason I have created, Ima Soberalcoholic's Theorem Number One.

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE:
Mental calisthenics if you will; the one, two, three boost of creating new axon and dendritic connections needed for continuing sobriety.  I believe one necessary addition to cessation of the addictive property(s), is the necessity to create new pathways for which sober thought to travel through.  The best way to begin accomplishing this is for the initiant to sobriety to begin mental calisthenics.  Working math problems of varying degrees of difficulties, reading and then writing about the reading, and doing something as complex as shuffling cards and playing solitaire.  Bottom line is that the recovering mind of the addiction quitters, must change many different cerebral areas in their acquisition and accomplishment of tasks in new and variable ways.  This learning I believe will assist the recovering addict learn and succeed not only in their remaining sober, but also in new challenges as they present themselves through life.

The only way to begin working on I.S. THEOREM NUMBER ONE is:

Begin by quitting what you gotta quit.  

Quitting anyway you can is the best way to quit.

Get help to stay there.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

Repeat for your lifetime.

T.T.F.N.

Well Two Of My Dear Women Friends I Am Listening To As My Teachers. My Dear Male Friend I Will Not Be Doing His Advice As I Cannot.

 Well if'n my two close female friends are telling me I need to give My Love time to sort things out, and my close male friend is telling me I've been dumped and to get over it as a learning lesson and their are other fish in the sea: I will take my two close female friend's advice. One said something, and when I shared with my second female friend, she agreed with my first female friend. I need to buck up my emotional stability. And boy howdy I am old enough to listen to two good friends advice who are women, to any two dozen male friends advice; although I was advised by only one male friend. I'll get over it. 

Well my emotions are Not a faucet. I opened my heart and soul and mind and mind to my ex-girlfriend and love her for who she is period. Unconditionally as she promised she feels for me, unconditional love. Emotional stability. Sheet I am an utter wreck. I am not hungry, not tired especially with my sleep  disturbances so that is scary. I mean I have not felt like I do at such a loss since 1983. Neither ex-wives did I pang such deeply wrenching emotions, and no other girlfriends either. 1983 was an immature relationship as it was my "first." Like in everything I was immature, and boy was I not ready for any kind of relationship at that point in my life. My emotions are not like a faucet.

So emotional stability and 2 dear friends who care for me as sisters from another mother told me this, that I need to work on my emotional stability. Another task I will accomplish because you see, my whole  insides throughout my driving today felt as though my heart and everything else had just been scooped out of me and I felt such loss of any emotion. I had to drive although while driving I kept very diligent in praying of "Emotional Stability", which both of my two friends said they will be praying for me to successfully accomplish. So I am trying to shut down some of my sorrow like suppress my sorrow. 

Suppressing things inside lead me to sorrow through my life, and another excuse to drink and make more excuses. I stopped making excuses when I set down the bottle, regaining my life back. Emotional stability? I am sorrowed at the possibility much less the reality that what I thought and sought, and followed through with, that we will never return to any loss. IF that's emotional insecurity then so be it. 

I know I must follow through and give My Love her time and space. If we become a stronger us, I am 1000 times blessed. And If we remain friends, then I am blessed also. 

Thinking about my Sweetness today when I allowed my guard to be down, brought the hollow feelings way down deep surface again and I had to stop thing about anything. Did listen to music today. I don't usually listen music while I drive passengers, although I always offer. Music distracted my thinking enough so I did not have to hear myself think. I like driving without music and thinking usually, although today I definitely did not want to be alone with my thoughts today and music was an awesome distraction, except when the love songs came on and I'd shed tears.

Hey give me a break. I am working on myself here. I mean how can I be better for myself. Same as with conquering my alcoholism, working through my mind is an awesome necessary task. I will persevere because I want to be a better person. And heavens I pray it is Sweetness. And if it is not to be then God grant me the time to heal because healing from this will take time. And so indeed time will tell. Time will tell indeed. 

And I am sorely sad. I have work to do on myself regardless of if we will ever be us again.

Thank God I am sober at last. Especially now because I would have never experienced the level of love I feel that I am feeling right now. I am sad and I am thankful I feel all of my emotions now. For now I al finally learning how to truly love another. Regardless of if we ever are us again, I enjoy the love I leaned with My Sweetness.

My doctor's appointment is for this Thursday 7 January at 1000. I have been practicing on making sure I act as "normal" as possible when I see her for my appointment. How do I learn in two days how to remove the sorrow from my eyes? How do I smile at My Love with the genuine love I feel without betraying my sorrow. Practice. I do not want to place any pressure on her. I want her to feel and be empowered by what she feels she needs to do. I am working on my face to put on so our visit is memorable and she wants to see me again. 

Well since I had horrible sleep last night and the night before and the night before so I am exhausted beyond belief and will be heading to bed. Letting go is the hardest experience of my life and I am sad and happy. Happy because My Love has what she needs. And I love her unconditionally and I am happy for her. Sincerely I am happy she has what she needs.

5 Hours Of Sleep. Please Pray That I Will Sleep Soon. I Am Exhausted And I Am Deeply Sorrowed.

 Okay yes I had this sleep issue since at least October. I's killing me. Now add serious depression from My Love's choice for us to slow down to friends.  It is already killing me inside with sadness. She has no control on this. I do. And I am unable to feel the way that I do. I feel as though I have the greatest love of my life. I woke up crying missing her. I am telling you for whatever reason I am at least tied to her very deeply. I feel her pain of decision Friday and Saturday while she was experiencing pain of having to make a decision to only be friends through what is best for her and coercion. I hurt so deeply that she needs to lower herself to survive. I offered her to sell all I could to support her. She told me no. To move into a better place to live. I personally believe the vest place to move into is with her to build a life. Pity sadness deep that she chose the other guy so she can live, instead of choosing me and love. I cannot bring her what she needs which is true love when she feels a need to just survive and not love and survive. I am so sad she has been so hurt for her life. Beyond all of my prayers I pray she is no longer hurting and wants to be loved and to love again. As this goes on I wonder when I will stop feeling as though I have died inside? 

At least I may be sober dealing with my pains I am experiencing, but my sorrow is so great. I am going to try to go back to sleep. It is 0700 and I am exhausted. I need to work soon. I have to survive as well without My Love. I am sad. At least I am sober to feel the sadness I am experiencing. I am tired of crying and wonder when this pain and loss feeling will go away? Please pray for my health and also for my pain and hurt to go away. Please pray for me to sleep.

Finally Lay Down And All I Was Remembering Is Her. Thanking God Then And Now.

 Some mess I am. Haven't slept but 6 hours or so in almost two days. I mean I lay down to sleep with 75mg diphenhydramine onboard along with the three different sublingual meds. My cat tucked up under my arm and poof. almost asleep and my mind began remembering her laughter. He smile and those beautiful dimples. Oh and her laughter which lights up a whole room with fun. And she has a funny sense of humour and her eyes sparkle sometimes when she sees beautiful things. And her voice so beautiful to me ears. And I lay they in bed with my CPAP on, sleeping aides taken, cat sleeping under my arm for more than and hour and a half and I am wide awake having only gone to sleep for several minutes. And then I began remembering sights of us watching several sunsets together. And oh how her laughter is so beautiful to my ear. Sharing our two favorite movies together. And my heart races when we embrace. And by the way when we embrace our hearts beat together. And her quiet prayers so beautifully strong and yet gentle, just like she is. All the while my tears flowed from my eyes down my cheeks and into my ears. And then thinking about her beautiful resounding laughter and I smiled. Stopped the tears took off my CPAP, took to my keyboard and began writing this blog. And by the way I really can sense her emotions even when she is miles away. I feel connected deeply however is she? Does she remember me with the same dreamy fondness? Will I ever be important enough for her to marry or am I just dreaming while I am really awake?

Well thank God I am convicted sober coz this heart tearing emotional stuff stone cold sober is absolutely tearing my heart up. And even dry eyed my heart cries. I miss dancing with her already. I will do as she asks and give her room. And oh how I miss our nightly prayers already. I'm missing smelling her neck and remembering her deeply in my olfactory region. 

I will be on point for My Love. If our future together is in doubt, it will be through no actions of mine. I love her unconditionally and I will support her needs because I love her. Time will tell if we are truly to be us, or if we never really were more than in my head and in my heart. Time will tell, however it still is what it is.

And I will always love her unconditionally. Will it be as friends or as married friends. 

Time will tell.  Tho I miss her already, I keep assuring myself maybe time will tell me and be good in its telling. Oh I am praying.               

Good thing I didn't ask her to marry me on New Years Eve or there would be no chance of us ever being us again. And yet time will still tell.

Well thank God I am sober but I am also so sad I cannot sleep and God help me I need to. I cannot sit and do nothing. I must arise and begin the new day soon.

After all I will probably only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I am scared when I fall asleep anymore because I know there will be no good sleep for me. It is what it is.

I so deeply love Sweetness I hurt at not being able to communicate with her and hear her voice and laughter. I may be sober however. I am sad too. Sober. Sad. Happy she wants our friendship to remain so time will tell

Still doesn't change my hurting missing near fearing the possibility that we will never be we. Time the sly one will do tell in due time. And I am praying God's wisdom shine upon us both. Amen.

.

Still Awake. Things Brighter In My Thinking. I'm Finally Optimistic. I Shall Do What I Need Do To Build A Better Relationship And Future.

 Well remaining friends with my girlfriend is better than not remaining friends. I am sad and feel an overwhelming loss. I ache deeply from all of this. I cannot lie to you whoever you are reading this. I pray I succeed. Time will tell. I am deeply sad that my love is not enough. I am praying that my friendship and loving her enough to back off, will grant her the time to realize the true depth and meaning of my feelings about her. That my love is true and unabating. for her. And then again that might not be enough. Time will tell.

What time has told me is that I am forever grateful that I am sober. And when God takes me home, He will do so quickly and without my suffering. I cannot be a burden on anyone. I came into this world alone and I will exit it alone. Sure does suck all in all and it is what it is. I am sober Thank God Almighty. Not an option to return to drinking no matter how down I am. I will hold my head high, higher, highest, because I love her unconditionally, and I will do my best to surpass her expectations. Failure is not an option and I pray my sticking with my true love will return us both multiple fold over with happiness; God willing and My Love finally knowing in her heart how purely I love her.

Maybe my love is not enough for she and I to build a closer and stronger life as one together: but I am in no way going to fail in fulfilling her request for time and distance. Oh how I pray that distance makes her heart grow fonder and not go yonder. 

So with open arms I will continue to dance with My Love, My Sweetness, for whom I feel so fortunate to be blessed with knowing. Time may tell, though my heart is bursting to know the unknown. If my unconditional love meets My Loves needs. I love her purely enough to give her the time and space she asks for she needs.

Maybe I will sleep tonight. Maybe not. I am exhausted and need my sleep. I am sad to my very core of my being. I am optimistic and alive so I still have a chance to build stronger a loving relationship with her.

And I will fall asleep with her in my heart. My Love, My Sweetness. And I will fall asleep comforted in knowing she has not totally stricken our return to love. I love her so purely deeply that letting her go is all I can do now. And pray to God thanking Him for the short blessing of time when we were us. Time will tell. And I will fall asleep praying for her as I have since we met, unceasingly.

Time will tell if our love was meant to be longer than a flash in the night. I sure do love her that I know. I also know none of these feeling would have been possible without my living a sober walk in life with Jesus. Yes I am sober at last and loving life even when it gets me down. I grow stronger daily. I never will go back to drinking. I deserve more. My Love deserves more. 

And It's just killing me that I should not tell her that I love her even though I do. I so do. I want to look into her eyes and touch her dimples and tell her how much I love her. I am sad. I am happy. 

Time will tell. And I need to give her room to grow and know if we can be us again.

Thank God Almighty I am free at last and sober. 

And I will fall asleep praying for her as I have since we met, unceasingly. And I will fall asleep holding her in prayer since that is the only way I can still hold her. And I will fall asleep dreaming about the fun we shared. and I will fall asleep sad.

And sober.

Thank God I Am Sober To Experience This Sadness

 I am really thankful I am sober. And I am sober to experience such a great pain of loss. My girlfriend has decided she needs to move in another direction. I certainly believed we had a connection from all of our conversations, even though it's been little more than 6 weeks. I didn't listen enough obviously. I truly believed my love would be enough to break through the hurts of her heart. Alas. thankfully we are still friends although she doesn't want to pray nightly anymore. 

I really believe she is The Love Of My Life. Grand? No. The truth, yes. I so appreciated each and every moment I was honoured to spend with her. I am saddened deeply now.

I have to keep this blog real and share the deep emotions I am experiencing now, and doing so soberly. This blogging helps me understand better. Understand better so much of what I heard and did not listen to. I am so tho.

I have offered her to call me if she wants to communicate with me. I am absolutely dying inside. Absolutely dying inside. Thanking God I am sober even though the pain of loss of this relationship hurts me so deeply. I have never loved so deeply before. This woman is incredibly beautiful in so many ways and doesn't even realize it. She impresses me every time she prays because she knows the bible so well. She impresses me for the broad expanse of knowledge she knows. She impresses me with her perseverance in the face of so much adversity and succeeding. Her strength of resolve to survive includes reducing us to a friendship status, for her personal survival. I cannot deny her survival especially when I cannot provide her the Maslow's needs she has shared with me that she needs. However she feels, I feel that other than my sobriety, I have failed at all else. I will survive because I am sold on my sobriety. Convicted to my sobriety. No matter how pained I am so feeling all over my body. I have not experienced such pain of loss since my mom's death, four month's into my sobriety. I am so so sad. I have never loved another so purely as I love this woman. I am sad. I am sober so I will survive this too. I just wish I was in the position to assist my girlfriend in surviving too.

I am so so sad. I am also sober so eventually this sadness will eventually subside some. Thank God  I am sober, but I just plain old hurt right now to my core.

Thank God I Am Sober. I Am Sober And Free At Last. Although deeply hurting I will survive eventually. A piece of me has died this weekend and I am hurting sorely. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. And hurting.

Gvgeyuhi Sweetnes. I Was The Music While The Music Lasted. I Am Sober Thank God Almighty.

Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before  awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.

Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.

I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. At least with my girlfriend having not read this blog she will not have to worry about my declining spirit and all facets of my health. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.

I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then  my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I am also more greatly saddened now that in all the time of my sobriety. My girlfriend is not celebrating my 6 of January years and 5 month sobriety with me because of some deeply conflicting circumstances, and I am sad she is unable to celebrate with me. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep.  And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe I have failed this relationship because of how I have been told my lots of people throughout my life. Maybe I do not know how to love another human as they need be loved. Maybe I have failed myself and the lady I love. I sure do need to examine my failings. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I am praying I have not failed My Sweetness. I NEED SLEEP.

I am at a loss. I am lost. I am so sad beyond belief. I so love this woman I set her free. Free to pursue what she need to do for her survival and unfortunately I have been placed on the back burner for her survival. I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her. I am unable to help her financially and feel a failure as a provider as I can only provide for My Dearest Love, my love.  My love is not enough to sustain her and I know that. That and she deserves better than the nothing but love I can provide. She cannot liv eon love alone, not even the deep unabating love i feel and try to show. That is not enough for My Love to live on. I am sad that I have failed to provide the emotional, spiritual, and financial provisions she needs. Maybe free from me she with not only survive but also thrive. I really thought I had what it takes. I so love Sweetness, I am embarrassed I have failed her. I am sad. I am tired.

GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You.  It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath."   The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.

I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last. I failed my relationship by not listening and doing her needs. I am so sad, sober however sad I am.