Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.
Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.
I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. At least with my girlfriend having not read this blog she will not have to worry about my declining spirit and all facets of my health. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.
I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I am also more greatly saddened now that in all the time of my sobriety. My girlfriend is not celebrating my 6 of January years and 5 month sobriety with me because of some deeply conflicting circumstances, and I am sad she is unable to celebrate with me. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.
I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep. And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe I have failed this relationship because of how I have been told my lots of people throughout my life. Maybe I do not know how to love another human as they need be loved. Maybe I have failed myself and the lady I love. I sure do need to examine my failings. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I am praying I have not failed My Sweetness. I NEED SLEEP.
I am at a loss. I am lost. I am so sad beyond belief. I so love this woman I set her free. Free to pursue what she need to do for her survival and unfortunately I have been placed on the back burner for her survival. I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her. I am unable to help her financially and feel a failure as a provider as I can only provide for My Dearest Love, my love. My love is not enough to sustain her and I know that. That and she deserves better than the nothing but love I can provide. She cannot liv eon love alone, not even the deep unabating love i feel and try to show. That is not enough for My Love to live on. I am sad that I have failed to provide the emotional, spiritual, and financial provisions she needs. Maybe free from me she with not only survive but also thrive. I really thought I had what it takes. I so love Sweetness, I am embarrassed I have failed her. I am sad. I am tired.
GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You. It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath." The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.
I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last. I failed my relationship by not listening and doing her needs. I am so sad, sober however sad I am.
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