Gvgeyuhi. I Was The Music While The Music Lasted. I Am Sober Thank God Almighty.

Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before  awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.

Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.

I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.

I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then  my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep.  And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I NEED SLEEP.

 I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her.

GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You.  It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath."   The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.

I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last.