Epiphany.

I was asked by my New Mexico friend if I considered sober from alcohol and not from anything else as sober, and I answered yes. I've never been to more than three meetings and those were over a year after my quitting drinking so I have my standard and not clinical standards to follow. Alcohol was killing me quicker and quicker, smoking and dipping were doing so much more slowly. I had to quit drinking or my life would have ended several years ago. My spleen during March and April of 2014 was hurting beyond belief which I just mindlessly attributed to eating poorly. Using a Nurtibullet to make nutritious fruit and vegetable blends saved my life even before I quit drinking. Even before its legalization I held smoking as different; different for me at least.

So today is my four year's and five month's sober which I am and will be forever grateful. There is no going back for me with any of them. I enjoy embracing freedom and my upgrade and turning towards greater growth. So many opportunities at my doorstep and now which way am I going to go?

Learning to be confident in my lowering earning bracket, and praying that I have a relationship in the future with a woman who accepts my heart of love and ability to build a strong relationship, without a large wallet will take time. I will get there and I will get there soberly.

First things first is I need to begin new habits of growing new contacts, you know, socialization. I need more and greater human contact.

Happy sobriety day for me. 

Day By Day And Still Succeeding. Sad Still Tho Not As Bad As I Was Three Month's Ago.

My daughter still hates me and there is still no long term future for me. I am still unable to find full-time employment and currently I am working a grocery job and four different platforms delivering groceries, people, and cooked food.

Not being understood as far as the depression I felt from July through the end of October is a real bummer, especially since my friend from Austin didn't realize how depressed I was and only focused on my not being able to visit her at the end of October.
Day by day surviving was difficult and even rising from bed and facing the day with any positivism was a challenge.
Not being viewed as an equal partner by her also really has been something for me to conquer, especially since I cannot make as much as she has having enjoyed a career as an oil and gas C.P.A.
I can never pay equally as a 100% financial partner with any woman I will date who earns more than me as I have learned, although the next woman I date I pray will be accepting that I will contribute 100% of all else, and do my darnedest to be an awesome financially contributing partner.
Really sucks that my previous girlfriend (the first girlfriend I've had since sobering up) told me that I must be a financial equal partner in everything and she would sell many things of hers so we could live in a place where I could afford to live as 50/50 financial partners.
Everything would be quid-pro-quo tho money wise she shared with me, whether going out to eat, buying groceries, bills. every bill which came along. I tried to accept this however it depressed me also because of the earning disparity.
Imagine she was willing to downsize her stuff so she could live in a place we could equally 50/50 afford, ie a place I could afford to live in contributing 50/50.
I mean she lives in a place right now where her yearly rent could buy a very nice new car.
I just want and need a woman who loves me as the partner I am and my emotional contribution knowing I am honest, loyal, and faithful to our relationship and to her.
I try and I try and I will never surrender on myself, or any partner I am blessed with if'n I am ever so blessed.
This need to try and be equal financial and knowing I will never meet this expectation with her, really made me feel small although I never felt a need to drink, smoke or nicotine use to help me through. The only victory I stand firm on and with is my remaining sober to all previous escapes. I am so grateful that I am sober and victorious. Nicotine sometimes remains a struggle sometimes although I remain free from, I am constantly winning the temptation against nicotine usage.

And my daughter still hasn't spoken to me on the phone, text or emailed with me, or seen me since the summer of 2016. Her Facebook revels that she has come out as bisexual.

Well that's all I want to write right now.
I am thanking God daily that I am sober and free and I will find my way through what I am continuing to feel.

I pray to be blessed to be alive and write another post sooner rather than later.