Walking Forward

Hurray!
Another day after another day after..........
Well you know, sober. I have been micromanaging my Pacific Crest Trail thru-hike plans and have just plain old forgotten to write anything here in awhile. My bad. Sorry.
Honest to by and for God I just don't ever want to drink again. No proclivities. No desires. When I quit, I quit.  I spent way too many of my last couple of years praying God's assistance in quitting. Now that I have I cannot go back. It is just not who or part of me anymore Thank God.

I have not officially launched my hiker StaggeringSoberOnThePacificCrestTrail.blogspot.com yet so I hope my three or four regular readers will give me honest feedback about my trail plans on here first and soon.

This is the link to my PCT Planner which details my five month plans for this adventure.
http://www.pctplanner.com/v.php?g=pMRZKyKybQBz

This is the link to my pack, what it contains, and what each weight and the cumulative weights are.
https://lighterpack.com/r/8y5wqz

I look forward to celebrating my third year of sobriety on-trail, as well as my 56th birthday. Hopefully you will not only follow along as I walk, but also share the link with others.

Thanking God every minute,
Every day that I am sober.

Remember, you have no idea at all what those around you are going through. Be kind.

Two Years. And Two Years, Two Months, Two Weeks, Two Days Sober Today. I Don't Know How I Initially Did It.

     Two years ago, (my two month, two week, two day anniversary of sobriety) my dad died in Frisco, Texas alone in a hospice as he had chosen. Dad had made no provisions for me to visit while he was dying.  I was able to visit him ten days before he died during the same weekend I took my daughter to the University of Oklahoma v. texas Red River Rivalry where she helped carry the gigantic Oklahoma flag onto texas soil in the stadium.
We visited dad the Friday before the Saturday game. We checked into our hotel about four thirty and then took a cab to his hotel.  We arrived around five and stayed until almost nine, when dad was dozing from cancer and pain management, and my daughter's and my blood sugar was getting really low.  
During our visit dad begged my forgiveness which I readily gave. He begged God's forgiveness which I readily lead him to the path's entrance. My daughter found on her phone Bach and Beethoven music and played them for dad. Leaving dad that evening after visiting and praying, I looked back at him as I turned to leave, and I then dropped back down to him and we cried together hugging. I told him, "Peace. It's all good." Then I turned and my daughter and I left and returned to our hotel.

I wanted twice (2014-2015) to win the annual Oklahoma State University-Tulsa Creative Writing Contest, with the poems I have placed he on my blog. This poem came to me each night for weeks as I began trying to fall asleep. I composed it nightly, reciting each line to myself, until I thought it worthy of being written down.  Then I began with crafting it into what I believed to be a worthy and dramatic poem detailing what I had experienced and what I hoped to continue experiencing.
My entry was not accepted:(
As I better understand the failure (75%+/-) to success (25%+/-) rate of sobering up, I now believe my poem was too dark, and I was too ripe for failure in my sobering up.  I am a twenty-five percenter my friends.

Here are both versions. My raw entry into the poetry contest of 2014; and my revised elongated 2015 entry. Bummer that neither of them even earned an honorable mention.  My hopes upon entry were that they would assist others in finding their Strength In The Forage Of Sobriety.
My 2014 entry is the first poem below.  For 2015 I wrote a second part, and it is also below.  In other words, pardon my being verbose; both are below combined as I entered my poem for my second and last Oklahoma State University-Tulsa Creative Writing Contest I entered.

Nobody ever leaves comments. For my poem I hope you will leave comments. You have the option of entering your comments anonymously, and I hope you do.
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 August 2014

Challenges

I’ve always wanted to win the lottery.

I quit drinking ten days before this semester began;

The headaches were almost going away by then:

But the months of fitful sleepless nights had only just begun;

While classes, and study, and assignments and tests continued,

My courage, resolve, and determination continued to increase.

I’ve always wanted to win the lottery.

Admitted to a hospital two months before semester began,

Dad was diagnosed with inoperable cancer.

My daughter and I visited him in Dallas mid-semester.

We all brought ourselves to the terms; “Peace. It’s all good.”

Ten days later dad died alone in a hospice bed.

I’ve always wanted to win the lottery.

Ironic how sharing and bringing peace to my Dad’s death process

Brings my daughter and me closer together; She is proud of me again.

She shared after our visit with dad that she told her Grandpa two weeks before

That I was sober and how he replied; “I glad he’s finally gotten his life in order.”

Vitality deep within my being stirs my courage with vigor for living.

I’ve always wanted to win the lottery.

Six months of chemotherapy mom had endured by semester’s start.

Incrementally affected week by week by then, yet with courage unwavering.

She reinvigorated me towards my degree, unknowing of my conflict.

Mom’s positive inspiration and brightness always shining while she battles cancer

Is a continuing light for me; meanwhile her war is becoming one of slow attrition.

I’ve always wanted to win the lottery.

Slowly and steadily I climbed up and on through this semester,

Perseverance rewarding me daily in conquering all there is ahead.

Progressively I appreciate more about not only my life

But those lives around me without any alcohol induced haze.

Ironically this semester has been one of rewards enjoyed and challenges mastered

I believe with graduation I will have finally won the lottery.

Epilogue

Graduation Day 2015

I’ve Always Wanted to Win the Lottery

Ere too, I’ve always wanted to earn my college education.

This poem begun one year ago needed something more.

So I searched into my heart and mind and very being

And saw the victories and joys I’ve embraced this past year.

I realize just how far I’ve advanced from where I had begun,

Knowing that every path in life won’t be easy, it just is what it is.

I’ve always wanted to earn my college education.

From what I’ve sacrificed since beginning my college career

I have grown in depth one thousand times the distance to the sun.

Clearly now I see all of what there is for me to be;

Comfortable with whom I am and what is there for me.  

I look out through the windows of possibilities and see my happiness.

I’ve always wanted to earn my college education.

Mom died peacefully Friday of dead week fall 2014; finals loomed ahead.

School my singular other focus was both a distraction and distracted.

I proceeded forward towards the completion of the goals I set out to accomplish;

There was none other path but completion, and like sobriety I persevered.

Nothing is impossible I know now.  I just begin and do the task.

I’ve always wanted to earn my college education.

This my last semester before graduation

Has found me rising above and looking forward with expectation

To where now I continue life from sobriety and perseverance

I am victorious and also in control of my destiny now.

It’s not been easy however, nothing of worth ever is.

I’ve always wanted to earn my college education.

Mom and dad will be watching from heaven’s gate,

My daughter will be in the sea of visitors

Along with friends and my professors too

To witness my great victories,

As I take my diploma which I’ve earned.

I’ve earned my university degree.

Now that I’ve accomplished that

The walk for my diploma is another victory for me.

I have attained the best of life; my university degree. 

I’ve earned my university degree.

Oh, yes.

I’ve earned my university degree.

Not all of this entire journey has been easy.

My sole and only goal since beginning college studies

Has been to learn and earn the best possible grades.

I graduate with a 3.7 G.P.A.

And

I have won the best of life’s lotteries; I will have earned my college degree.

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Well?  Please leave a comment as to what you think of my poem?

Strength.

Blessed everyday, feeling stronger everyday, and still amazed everyday. Amazed at the continued blessings of my sobriety. Amazed how others struggle with their addiction. Why are the odds so poor for conquering sobriety? Why is changing how the brain thinks about life and maintenance of sobriety so difficult for over 70% of the addicted? My wish is discovery of how to instill dedication and exclusivity living sober. How has what I've done and how I maintain sobriety been successful while many of those I know who have tried living sober, then fail in their attempts of successfully living life free from their addictions.
Being constantly vigilant on my road of sobriety includes reminding myself I am always capable of failing my life of sobriety, keeps me constantly living my life praising God constantly that I am sober but by His Grace.
I may be free, thank God Almighty, I am free and sober;
However;
I am sad that others who know they need their freedom,
Languish in their slavery of intoxication.
I thank God Almighty, I am free and sober,
Always praying that others will follow.

Quit Is Quit.

Quit is quit and almost is not quite quit. 

Resources abound to help you. 

First step is quit. 

I love you my friends.

Death as an alcoholic does not become you;

 Life and living life does. 

No Shit quit. I love you my friends. 

I don't want you to die this way.

Ima Soberalcoholic, come and be one too.

The View Is So Much Better

While visiting Bandelier National Monument last month 
I took a solo walk for an hour
down the pathway 
and climbed some ladders up into caves 
carved by Ancient Puebloans 800+years ago.  
My inner prayer had been in overdrive all day.

My inner peace building as I walked toward the reward I knew lay ahead.

That reward was being there to climb into the caves 
and enjoy the moment, every moment as they happened.

I prayed while in those caves.

I looked out upon a beautiful scene.

It was a scene unchanged much

relative to change happening

in a timespan of human life

verses change happening to rocks.

I was at peace with so much.

I realized I was then at peace with my parent's deaths:

My offences to those who are and those who were my friends:

My offences to my family:

My offences to my child; well more at peace with that one anyway.

Timeless is nothing.

Those who carved the cave died.

Time always marches on.

I am so forever grateful that Ima Soberalcoholic.

The view is so much better from here.

Forever.

So much better indeed.

Oy vey.

Oy vey I'm telling you what...I really don't think about alcohol as in to drink or consume it any more period.  Drawn or tempted to absolutely not. I've had my share from the world's supply of ethanol. As in not have I wanted to drink alcohol since 6 August 2014. I am as Chicago sings Feeling Stronger Everyday and cannot think of more to say about my alcoholism other than to declare:

 I am...=>  =>  =>Feeling Stronger Everyday

Always=> Feeling Stronger Everyday




                                                                              ALWAYS.

Alcohol in Employment. God's Mercy.

Every job that I've ever worked there were those who all identified as alcoholics, those who "drank responsibly", and those who did not drink.

While working as a tech in an ICU I witnessed many over the eight years I worked in that hospital come in hungover, and or had been drinking.  I was working the nightshift one time when towards 06:00 and less than an hour until their shift began three of the five scheduled ICU nurses and the morning tech called in sick. Everybody in the unit knew the party had happened as we were all invited.
Only one nurse showed up still up from drinking alcohol all night.  She arrived and went into an empty patient room where she hung a 1000 ml bag of D/50/water. Dextrose and water to rehydrate herself. She then began her shift as though everything was normal.
The nursing supervisors and administration knew she had done this and yet because the hospital was short staffed, no form of punishment was administered, and she worked her eight hour shift.
This event happened thirty years ago.
This event or one like it still happens I am reasonably confident of.

Being reasonably sure of the practicing alcoholics with whom I've shared time with once a practicing, now a sober alcoholic; I am continuously saddened when now I know of practicing alcoholics who have admitted to me that they still are out of control with their drinking, and are still consuming alcohol.
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Never to judge as that is for God.
Always pray for their release.
Always pray for their freedom.
Freedom to own their lives again.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, please be merciful to me.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, you have been merciful to me.
Sober I am finally free.
Oh God, you are merciful to me.

Love Others First.

Live to love others first.
From in this action comes satisfaction that the love we show thru actions deeds and words will fill our deepest inner being with deeper love.
From in this action also comes greater acceptance of our living experience living and loving ourselves also.
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Everyday sober is an infinitely awesome experience.
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A good friend whom I've known since 1979, picked me up and took me for dinner last week.  I told him of the assaults upon me years ago before we met. (He witnessed the last one; which was perpetrated by a now Dallas Vet.) He was floored by what I said and remained silent for sometime before we resumed conversing, and about something else. I felt liberated in the security with which I felt in sharing with my friend of 37 years.
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Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.
I Am Sober Indeed And Feeling Stronger Everyday.

It's Been Awhile. All's Good. Just Living Life.

These past weeks since last I blogged have been great for me.  Some of the things I've enjoyed include making a connection with the land, sights, people, and history of New Mexico, I have been learning from alcoholics and reflecting how I acted once those ways.  I must say enjoying six days staying with my friend north of Taos N.M.  The vast sights of mountains, prairie, valleys, and endless sky was relaxing and beautiful.

One work acquaintance who has admitted to me that they drink too much and cannot quit, and whose partner has told them they drink too much; now turns their internal anger upon me.  When I was drinking I use to do that too sometimes.  I am now aware and continuously work to never commit that kind of meanness ever again.
One friend thought they were "sneaking" their consumption of alcohol while I was visiting.  There's no hiding from me what once I thought I was hiding from others.  And my sense of smell has always been sensitive and now is every bit as sensitive as ever; so I was not wrong in what I smelled.

Both of these encounters with people I know are practicing alcoholics were an entire education unto themselves.  I painfully saw myself yesterday which I denied while I practiced as an alcoholic; while now today strengthening minute by minute minute my resolve to ever remain a sober alcoholic.
I am so resolved to remain sober.
I have forever drank my totality from my share of the world's supply of alcohol.
I am so eternally grateful
That
Two
Years
And
Two
Weeks
Ago
Tonight
I drank my last drink of alcohol.

I am Free.  I am Free at last.  I am sober.