Feeling Enough Is Like Not Enough.

 Spending so many years drinking my life away also means I drank my lifetime earnings ability down my gullet too.  Always have struggled with that those thoughts since I sobered up. My last relationship with Agent X, who really enjoyed putting my financial inabilities down and forefront, helps keep in my recalls forefront my inability to even meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that somebody who can meet her needs would come along with an offer better than me. Yes insecurities.

Please pray I get more job offers and especially a real job. Maybe a more secure one.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Walking on Earth sure is awesomely better than when once upon a time when I actually lay beneath the floor of hell peering up drunk.

I AM TELLING YOU WHAT, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM SOBER AT LAST. 

And one way or another I will continue attempting to meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Trying

 I am not perfect

I try to be as perfect as possible

I fail sometimes

I am not perfect

I keep trying

Minute by minute

Day by day

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

Even tho I am not perfect

I fail sometime

However that's okay

I am not perfect

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will succeed 

Because I keep trying

And I will Keep Trying

Ya Know, It's Still My 80 Month Sobriety Anniversary.

 Ya know it's tough unlearning things I learned and or drank away from remembering why I respond to certain things certain ways. Both from repressed memory of my two childhood assaults, and from unlearning responses learned from may years of living in the household of my dad's. Totalitarian to say the least. Absolute on good days.  I had to unlearn those behaviours first while still drinking and after two failed marriages, and then after sobering up. Tough realizations to say the least. And now in the absolutely purest relationship I have experienced in life I am still struggling unlearning old behaviours and responses. Figured out Easter on the way home that my expectation for a holiday has been shaped from dad, both ex-wives who were like my dad, and my most recent and first sober relationship. So boy did I do a big fail in my response with a conversational shift from awesome to a relationship difficulty. I post this for to example that even when things are difficult for me in my relationship, I am growing forward free from any mental encumbrances. Difficult for me to transition and scary to imagine losing this relationship.  My personal growth up and away from conditioned responses from once upon a time a long long time ago. 

So I am sad and scared that I will not make the grade and rise better, rise good enough to continue building a relationship with My Lady.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober And Free To Live.

HAPPY 80 MONTHS SOBER ANNIVERARY TO ME.

Scary A. F.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Usually food which has been cooked with some wine or flavored liquor has not given me any issues.

Easter dinner was awesome. My Lady fixed perfect pork loin, lamb chops, roasted carrots, asparagus and Portobello mushroom risotto, mashed potatoes, fruit tarts.....And sent home leftovers for me to enjoy afterwards.

When I got home I wanted something to eat before bed. Sooooooooooo I ate almost 2 cups of the asparagus, Portobello mushroom risotto. I had the back of the throat taste and smell of wine. I felt like I had drank some wine after eating the risotto. (I am very sensitive to alcohol as I fortunately/unfortunately discovered 5 December 2018 when I was mistakenly served a bloody Mary and not a virgin bloody Mary)  Scared THE SHIT NEAR OUT OF ME. I threw out all of the risotto. My girlfriend worked so hard and long to create the risotto. I am so sorry I didn't realize sooner that I might have an issue with eating food prepared with wine/booze and 

Whether the taste triggered a conditioned response, or I really did feel the alcohol and it had not properly cooked off,

I have to do my due diligence better. I just have to ask My Lady in the future what has wine/ethanol cooked into it so I am able to avoid the booze in the future. Scared the shit out of me that I enjoyed the risotto so much until I wondered if the booze flavor in it was also an attractant to me. Hated throwing away food however I will never drink booze again, and had to remove it.

Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. And Now I Had Better Watch What I Eat.