Just How I Am Feeling Right Now. I Will Soar Again Soon.

Alone, unneeded and unwanted by anyone right now. 

I've felt alone before. Alone as I feel right now.

Thank God I am sober. My sobriety is mine and I celebrate it daily.  No-one ever asks me how my sobriety is going? It goes quite nicely thank you.

I love life and living it, I am just feeling alone and unwanted by humans right now.

I love taking images of beautiful things and I am surviving right now by taking beautiful images, and sharing them with people I know. Makes my heart feel good sharing beauty with others.

I feel like I am always strong for others, whether or not these are actually real feelings that I am being strong for others.

I really pray and hope and pray that I am strong for others.

I miss having friends who ask me how I am doing way deep down inside.  I have always had to be my best friend. Fuuuing neurodivergence. Fuuuing awkwardness. Fuuuing sadness right now. 

I will overcome these feelings. I always do soberly. I love my sobriety. I love life, I am just down right now and will climb back up. I always do.

I will get over these feelings just as I have before. God and Jesus and The Holy Ghost Mother always take care of me. And sometimes my guardian angel Uriel, I am aware of is standing beside me, sometimes holding me. 

I miss being held and hugged. I miss feeling like I am loved by anyone else besides myself. I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling wanted. I will feel good again soon.

===>>>>Archangel Uriel is known as the angel of wisdom. He shines the light of God's truth into the darkness of confusion. Uriel means “God is my light” or "fire of God."

So I am not alone except here. I have legions of Heavenly Guardians watching over me wanting and needing me.

And thank God Almighty I am sober.

KEEPING THIS SOBRIETY BLOG REAL. THIS IS ONLY HOW I FEEL NOW. I WILL SOAR AGAIN WITH EAGLES SOON.

Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word. Finite time sucks. Forever sucks unless forever were with her. 

Love is beautiful. I love her so very profoundly deep. She is beautiful.

I am forever grateful that we remain friends for whom I am still allowed to love and support her in whatever way she is most comfortable. To ensure she is safe is important for me because I simply love her that much.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Must Effect Immediate Change

 I must immediately change my thinking into stronger more like everybody else thinking. Not being considered normal is heavy and sad. How to keep my already positive attributes while changing how I think without changing the good parts of me will be an interesting work. I want to be better for all occasions. Friendship, courtship, relationship, workship, sailing smoothly with me understanding quickly what is transpiring and my appropriately responding to almost every occasion reasonably and correctly with arguing or seeming to argue, when in reality I see that I am trying to understand. Arguing is the furthest from my mind. I do not like to argue. I only want to understand.

So today forward I will question every response before I respond. Today forward I will question every action of mine.

And honestly think before speaking. I have heard that before throughout life and now I understand why. And it makes me sad realizing the lost. Looking forward to the gain I have to realize in order to be more like most everyone else. Looking forward to learning more about myself and how to succeed when never before have I really succeeded. In all aspects of my life I really desire to succeed. I have experienced too much sadness from not understanding and not succeeding because I did not understand I was fully at fault. Understanding that I can make a difference in my life is vastly important now to me. How to accomplish my success is daunting yet I somehow know because of the confidence My Lady has in my successes. She believes in my abilities like no one else ever has shared. I really am trying to see in full colour and not just black and white. Her belief in me is awesome. That she has put up with my being so different is a blessing. I can be quite a handful trying to make my way soberly in my second relationship in seven years. My Lady has been very patient through my learning about her, as much as I pray to have been patient in my learning about her ins and outs. 

She has brought me to such a greater understanding of my differences and I am trying to learn how to wield my new relationship within myself to succeed better than ever I have before. That's an easy mark to hit lol. My Lady has opened my world.

I am struggling to accept my neurodivergence, and work away from that tag and redefine myself into the man whom I have always wanted to be. I just want to be the best man in life now.

God grant me the serenity.

God help me be a better me that I know I can be.

Gad thank you for introducing me to My Lady, whom I am forever grateful for loving me even when I have not been too loveable.

God thank you for my sobriety which I love above all else here on earth.

God help my appreciate my being different than most others around, and cast off the weight I feel burdened with by being different than most everyone else.

God help me accept that I have failed in my past, and accept that the is a brighter future now ahead of me.

Dear God I really love and desire more time with My Lady.

God grant me the wisdom to accept that more time with My Lady may not be.

God thank you for creating me for who I am, and for whom I can become with your grace and my working on changing how I think, and thinking before I speak.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

TMI

I have come to realize that my blog has ceased being as much a sobriety blog as it has become my beginning to understand the love I feel so deeply for My Lady. And letting go and saying goodbye to what I have prayed so long and fast about, and hello to the relationship I should have been embracing all along instead of what I prayed for and wanted. I must move forward to that which will make My Lady happiest, and that is best how I may show her how much I love her. She is the love of my life and I am sorting through my feelings for her.

So next I post here, I will try and remain closer to topic and write about sobriety, which is actually becoming almost boring for me to write about. Boring because I do not struggle to remain sober. Sober is easy. The struggle I have is learning to live the remainder of my life confident that I am worthy of love and a long-term relationship in friendship with the most beautiful woman in the world. 

I know that I can fall off of sobriety if I do not always remain vigilant. However I am not returning to the prison of hell from which I successfully escaped and Jesus escorted me away from. 

Been there. Done that. Ain't happening again. I never will return to the pain from which I escaped once I bound myself to sobriety.

So once I need to write something again I will.

We will see how long silence is golden from me.

Thank God I Am Free Soberly. 

Startled Again.

 Awoke startled again and of course could not go back to sleep. At least it was only 30 minutes from alarm time. Thinking about My Best Friend. Trying to accept that we have no forever. Enjoying that we are still spending about the same time together. Trying to reorder my brain quickly enough to move forward for and by myself healthy. Realized that what we have had is a standard beyond exceptional. I am sad. Feel lost that I must move on in life again alone. The tangible takeaway for me that I am blessed by having been in the best relationship of any kind in my life. It remains although no longer as a unity that moves on together, rather separately. 

So I awoke praying God to help me accept that this human being for whom I love so greatly, will at some point moving away whatever away is, without me.

So I awoke trying to accept that I have nothing to offer any relationship with any woman. I will work till I die alone. We all die alone, it just would be nice to have a partner to accompany me along the way while enjoying the journey.

Acceptance.

Sadness.

The greatest joy I have ever known.

The greatest loss that I have ever experienced.

So I awoke and began trying to envision what my future looks like now without the woman I love so dearly and I see

Nothing.

Acceptance sure is difficult for me. You see I simply love her that deeply

Acceptance.

Difficult envisioning a future without forever with My Lady.

I awoke sober. 

Good morning.

I am sad. Oh so sad.

Going From Something

 to suddenly realizing that there is no forever whatever forever is forever is for us leaves me totally totally feeling

...

...

Blank.

She Is The Most Beautiful Woman In This World.

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting My Lady. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. 

Ima Sober Alcoholic

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly I love My Lady. I am forever grateful that I love My Lady as much as I do. I never fully understood the depth of which loss of hope to be with someone forever can reach until now. I feel such great loss right now.

Should I still call her My Lady when she will never really be My Lady? You see my mind is learning from all of this and I need to learn more greatly. You see I love her beyond description using what I believe is my expansive vocabulary. My heart breaks greatly as I now understand why she could not promise me forever. I thought I needed to earn the status of forever; not that there truly will be no forever for us. I still want and need to call her My Lady as I have always prayed to meet and know and date a woman as wonderfully beautiful in every aspect as My Lady.

She's the best friend I have ever known. My heart is sad. She's a lady and she's my best friend however she's not My Lady anymore than there is a forever for us. I am torn. How much affection should I show her without making her uncomfortable. Do I continue to share with her how much I love her? Do I continue to express Gvgeyuhi (That I love her so greatly that I will give my life to save hers>) Or do I quietly slow down on sharing with her how great my love is for her, so as to not make her feel awkward. You see what is easy for some gets overplayed in my mind with doubt. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. I want always to be able to express to her how much I love her. I want to until she meets someone who can provide her with all of that of which I cannot, like financial security.

I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

My love is so great for My Lady I will carry her in my heart and mind and soul forever. 

If there really is such a thing as a Soulmate, I have met mine and enjoyed life to the fullest.

Time for me to remember the love we share forever.

Time for me to move myself mentally into a new place in my mind and being and soul.

Time for me to remain single for my life's duration. I just don't want to lose at this depth again. I am not afraid to love again. I have only love to offer and that is not enough to proceed in life with any woman much less My Lady.

I will continue on in life alone as I do not want to hurt like my who being is breaking ever again forever.

Thank god almighty I Am Sober. I Am sober At Last And Loving Sobriety For Seven Years Now. 

I am grateful to experience all that I have experienced with My Lady.

I remain sad that I will not be living soberly forever with My Lady.

Thank you for reading this and I might write again when never becomes now again.

I feel so lost right now.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Accepting The Things I Cannot Change,

 Really sucks dinosaur Coprolite right now.

Click on the word coprolite in the above text.

Yes I Want Her Best,

 I pray her best is where we are together wherever that is. 

I am at such a loss right now. Not booze-wise. Sad wise.

I love her that much to accept what she wants is better than what I have to offer. It's how I feel. I simply love her enough to accept God's and her choice as to where she will continue her life from.

I am so sad. Sober too. 

I will not pursue any further relationships. I believed this relationship to be a gift from God. It is that wonderful of a relationship. I do not want to experience this depth of loss again in whatever forever is for me. The cannot be such great of love for me than My Lady.

I have never had to say goodbye willingly to anyone I have loved, much less the love I feel so deeply greatly to my very core. I am so sad. Delighted My Lady knows what she wants. Sad that it is not me she wants. Whatever want is, I am not and this makes me sad. Delighted My Love knows what she wants. Loving her so much that acceptance for her want is easy, loving her so much that accepting her want tears me up beyond beyond.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her. 

I Have Never Known

 Love as I have discovered love with My Lady. I want us to be side by side together for as long as God blesses us to be together. Like until the sun sets itself forever for one of us. I love her that much. Thank God I am sober seven years tomorrow.

I Feel Much The Same As This Poem.

 My True Love

© Hailey L. Sturgill

Published: February 2006

I have a feeling

That I can't comprehend

In my deepest thoughts you are

More than just a friend.

I wouldn't want to

Rush us now

As love we explore

But there's a growing love inside

That we just can't ignore.

I love the times we

Spend together. We are comfortable

And free.  I think of you when we are

Alone.  I think of you and me.

We have shared

Secrets to uncover. There's more

To life. We will both discover.

I love you always.

I'll love you when you're dumb,

I'll love you when you're smart,

I'll love you anyway you are,

Right from the start.

I'll love you if you're tall

I'll love you if you're short,

I'll love you if you're pretty,

Or just an ugly dork.

I'll love you if you're toothless,

I'll love you if you're blind,

Anything that's wrong with you,

To me you'll be fine.

My heart is opening up now,

Unlike it used to do,

I see the pain that's in your heart

And sometimes I feel it too.

I'll love you tomorrow,

I'll love you today,

I'll love you forever,

And forever always.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-true-love

I Finally Accept,

That My Lady does not want to get married again. 

Awoke accepting she doesn't want to get married again even to me.

I sent the following text to her this morning: "Don't be concerned about me surprising you with a proposal anymore. I have no plans to ask you to marry me anymore since you keep saying you don't want to get married again. Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏"  She text back, "thank you."

And that my readers is the toughest text I have ever felt compelled to send. Sad making. You see we see remarriage differently. No changing that. Acceptance. Still she is the woman I always prayed to meet to marry. No changing that either. The Serenity Prayer in full motion. Saddens me to no end. God must physically place any other relationship that He blesses me with, directly personally onto my actual lap with a letter of confirmation; otherwise I am done with thinking, searching, dating, trying for any other relationship. Other than friendship. 

I finally accept that I will not get married again or place myself in the position of developing any relationship towards marriage. I finally understand those I have met in life who do not want a deep personal relationship with anyone again in their lives; because of the depth of love they feel for another. You know the kind of love which transcends all other connections with all other humans. 

I finally accept that My Lady does not want to get married again.

I finally accept that as with my sobriety is forever, there is no forever relationship with My Lady; and that I am not attempting any forever relationship again with any woman. I hurt too much.

Yes Sobriety Is The Bomb And I thank God Constantly Throughout Each Day That I Am Sober.

I also thank Him throughout the day for introducing me to My Lady. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I Finally Accept My Forever Is A Forever Without My Lady.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

O God and Heavenly Father,  Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

It is what it is.

Thank God I Am Sober.

Neurotypical VS Neurodivergent. 2 Days Till 7 Years.

 If I could wish a wish it would be to wish I wish I knew how to immediately be accepted for who I am instead of having to conform to what all the neurotypical expect. Doubting myself about how I am acting and whether or not it is acceptable? Just being me in time and space and the day only to realize how I thought everything went wasn't necessarily that way. Go figure. Go figure? If I could wish a wish to wish upon it would be to wish a wish and wish to understand just why I cannot just be me?

Sober doesn't make this any easier for me to understand how not to be me and how to conform and watch what I am saying afraid that I may offend by just thinking and being me and how God made me. Yes I realize that is one heck of a bad run on sentence however I liked the stream of consciousness writing there so I went with it and since I am Neurodivergent and this is my blog and I can get away with being different here I am just going to plain plane plane write as I see right. Got to get out of wishing.

Wishing doesn't work. 

Praying silently and listening that is more like it. When I talk with God I ask of Him nothing for myself. You see if I ask nothing for myself and everything for others then He will bless me. He has protected me throughout my life, even in the stupidest of my times. So I pray for others. Until now. Because now I keep praying to God to make me understand what it is like to be like how most everyone else is being neurotypical. I used to personally celebrate the fact that I was different than most other people. Now I pray God along with all else I pray for others, to now help me understand enough how for me to be like most others that I blend in and don't offend. 

I love myself and accept myself for who I am. I just wish everybody in the world accepted everybody for who they are. I mean I am sober and against all odds I will be 7 years sober in a day and a half.  I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am learning to look forward and not backwards. Forwards to what I do not know and towards what I do not know. And so loving My Lady. And learning to be a better man. A better sober man than I am now. And still I pray I knew how I could wish a wish to wish upon and wish a wish and wish to understand just why it is not acceptable just be me the neurodivergent, while most of you all enjoy being your boring old neurotypical selves? And I want better friendships and a stronger relationship.

I keep praying I learn fast enough how not to be so awkward. 

Thank God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost I Am Sober. I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic. Reprinted From 2/9/17.

 November/December 2008 Issue 

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect
By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26

PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME ARTICLE LINK

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent 
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict 
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios 
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic.

Relearning My Thinking. Written Before I sent In My Second Round Of Questions. Quandary, Oh Quandary.

What is it that I need more to do I am trying.  Looking for employment is consuming. Apply apply applying myself to job after employment after career is exhausting especially when there are  continuously dry holes, not many calls for interviews and no employment. Except ridesharing for money, whoring my vehicle daily until it hits old age for rideshare and mandatory permanent bench-time for my 17 year old vehicle. Time is running out for me to earn money ridesharing and thereby my ability to earn money this way again.  

So I applied for a job at the same place as where My Lady applied, and for the same job not realizing there was/is only one position available. And so once realizing that only one position was open I sent my answers in for their second round of answers the place requested me to answer. Sent in my answers only half complete in order to be withdrawn from the competition by the prospective employer.  I didn't want to compete with My Lady, I only wanted to try and earn a job where she is already so able and qualified to earn and retain. I want to remain in her life and not compete with her rather to compliment her. 

Looking at 360° of views and really trying to see everything 

Trying only to listen to God's answers and not formulating nor composing answers on my own. Listening has been and is difficult for me sometimes. And for this I am truly attempting to listen to what God has to say. 

Do I stay put and not answer what may be an opportunity for us both? I am continuing to answer the place's detailed nine questions because the academic thought required to compose the answers is something I have desired for many years since my graduation from university in 2015. So I write and compose for a job I will probably not be applying for, to set and achieve a deadline and critically think about my life. 

Praying for God's direction on what how to proceed once I have composed my answers. Is this all an academic exercise, or is it too an application which could propel myself into a position and place where My Lady might be employed too at maybe a better position as the position I am composing answers for.

God help me listen and answer this quandary soon. 

God please keep our relationship geographically together and growing stronger together than either of us has ever know. Oh Lord, please hear my prayers.

Please read post from previous to this for better clarity, hopefully.

Sure As Shoot.

 After way way way too too much money spent in repairing my vehicle, it wouldn't start today. I am aghast with everything. I take three steps forward to get my life on for myself, and BAM I get knocked three quarters of a mile backwards. I am running out of money soon. I just want to work. My back injury has been healed by God. My pain went from 85% to 15% literally overnight. Prayers are answered. I don't know what I would have done if my pain had not alleviated as immediately. I begged God to take away my pain so that I could take care of myself and build myself stronger physically. and begged God at the same time to allow me to show my lady what I am really made of. That I am more than a lion. I am a lion of God.

Once again my vehicle is getting towed away to hopefully, prayerfully, be repaired so that I can earn money with it before I hit financial ruin. I am trying and keep failing. What a major drag and bummer. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am struck without a vehicle and without money to rent a vehicle. Up the old highway without a paddle or something like that. It's hard for me to find any humour because there is so little to find funny. My heart breaks too still that I cannot be my lady's husband, you see I love her in more than one way and too private to write here.

I have a job interview over the phone with a school in Florida which my lady has also applied to. One position. I thought there were two when I applied and was invited to answer a second round of questions. I answered the questions and also refused an offer to interview. They requested I interview with them anyway even given my hesitation that my best friend was far more qualified than was I and stated the reasons why she is far more qualified than am I. And they still wanted to interview me.  And if I get the job I will may never see the most beautiful woman in the world again. And I love her so much that my heart will break unrepairable. I just want to build a life together better than any either of us have ever know possible to exist. I love her that much.

Oh the challenges of this summer. I really want her to get the job as it is the dream job in education that she has always wanted and I believe really deserves.

And so I am competing for the one person on Earth that I would give my life for. Not good at all. I will interview anyway and do my best. I can after all always refuse the job.

I love myself that much to do my best. And I hate every minute of doing my best. She deserves the job. And she even encouraged me to interview. I want the very best for us both, in the same place on Earth. Who knows maybe we both get hired. 

And so I pray. I love her that much.

I Awoke Feeling Alone Today

 That I had to move on alone in life again. That the relationship we were building isn't forever and that the best team I have ever been honoured to be a member of, isn't anymore. 

That someday soon the opportunity of seeing and sharing time with the person I love so richly, freely, deeply, will be a memory of the greatest time in my life. Of course I want to be with her forever whatever forever is, however she never could promise me forever. So I prayed that God would answer my prayers that we could be forever. I mean He is God and this is so right and good why wouldn't he answer my earnest and honest prayer. It's purely for good so why wouldn't He answer my prayer to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world?

I awoke feeling alone today. Not as alone as I felt last year. I waited meeting women until I knew or could think I knew that their heart was pure. And I met my lady. And truly believed God had matched me with someone who would be my partner. Someone as much my best friend (she still is) and more. My wife.

Why get married at my old age? Someone who I can count on each minute of each day. Someone to be there for and to be there for me. Touch. Companionship. Hugs and kisses and all the growth of being forever whatever forever could be built by us to be happier than ever we had been. That's all. To awaken with my best friend daily and build better each day, that's what I think about getting married at my old age. To experience love and happiness and growth together under the same roof and in the same home sharing life and love the best we can and better more still.

I awoke feeling very alone today. Alone to carry on in life a far better man than ever I thought or prayed or ever dreamed that I could grow. But alone. Alone without her in my life in growing partnership and yes growing deeper together in marriage. That is what I most feel alone about today. That we are not going to be married. That I am not going to get to enjoy being married to the most wonderful wife in the world.

You see I love her that much, and I awoke feeling alone today. Cannot explain fully why. I just awoke feeling alone today. Sober thankfully. Alone unthankfully. 

I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love.

And I awoke feeling alone today accepting that there is no forever whatever forever is for us. And I am so very sad.

I love her that much. She is my best friend, her beauty from out to deeply within is exquisite. 

I awoke feeling alone today. Hollow that my prayers are not to be. I love her that much to want what she wants and forever whatever forever is, is not to be.

I will continue to make my way in life sober. I will continue to make my life without my dreams and prayers answered as to forever, although my dreams and prayers are answered as I have met the best friend I have ever known. I am just so very sad that I can not be her husband.

I am trying so hard to not see this as black and white, and see from the  middle. I just continue to see that I won't be her husband and I feel alone today.

Blessed and sober, and sad.

Hurt.

 Hurt throughout last night. Lower back and right hip. Up and down. Sleep and pain. Praying for Jesus' healing touch to relieve my physical pain. Praying Jesus's healing touch to help me understand on how normal men think. How those normal men stand as lions leading their relationship. (Remembering that lions protect the family of cubs and lionesses, while the lionesses are the predominate hunters and providers.) A leader whose back pain prevented me from working today. A lion who is not providing for his own domain. Not succeeding therefore... 

Precarious position right now. I have rent for this come month and a repaired vehicle I must use to earn money, and unable to have any ability to do so today. Pain to walk and pain to move. And to that end unceasingly praying that Sweet Jesus heals my injury enough so that I may work in the morning come what may be. Of course no thought of booze I mention since this is supposed to be a sobriety blog, right?

How can I be the Godly leader in any relationship much less the relationship with My Lady, when I have been unable to provide for myself since the first of June because of vehicle and lack of employment options?  How can I bee what she needs when I have not been able to make my way along this long long summer. Opportunities to work as I could for my best friend cleaning, downloading files, staffing her office were a blessing for us both.

I am trying so hard to succeed and yet I continue not getting it on how to truly succeed. I continue failing in so many of my sober life and yet I continue trying. Nothing is ever going to rob me of my ability to try until death. And try I will to succeed 1, professionally, 2, personally, 3, relationship-wise, because I will always care about succeeding in all else I attempt with as great a freedom and success as do I and have continued as I have with my sobriety. I am really trying to learn and succeed in all three. I really want to learn how to love better than now I know how.

Even as I type this I have been praying for the healing of my back and for My Lady. Praying to learn how better to love.

My Heart Is I Show Her This Love Always.

 

If My Lady and I were to have "Our Song"

 If My Lady and I were to have "Our Song" I still envision this as my song of heart as our song.

The sentiments speak deeply within my being.

Please click on the line below to launch the song.

Andrea Bocelli - Return to Love (Christmas Version)

Lyrics

Quand'è che spento il cuore?
Che ho smesso di sognare
Un nuovo amore?
Il dubbio dentro me
E ho smesso di sperare
Ma a un tratto, tu
Risvegli nel profondo
Un fuoco che mi accende

I'll return to love
And risk it all
Per regalarti un mondo
And I'll return to love
E resterò
Per costruire un sogno
One more time

Who cares about the past?
Who knows about tomorrow?
L'amore è adesso
And maybe this won't last
Maybe this moment's all we have
Let's find out

And though I'm still afraid
You're worth a leap of faith

I'll return to love
And risk it all
To see the world that we make
I'll return to love
And take the fall
As if my heart cannot break
One more time

Here and now
Up against the edge
Promise me you won't look down
Won't fall off the ledge
Take my hand and show me how to love again

And I'll return to love
And risk it all
Per regalarti il mondo
And I'll return to love
And take the fall
Per costruire ancora

One more time

I Do Not Feel Like I Am Doing It Right.

 I don't feel like I am being a good enough partner to my lady. Being in a deep caring relationship is quite new to me. I only know how to love as much as I feel, and as I have observed those married folks I observed to learn from positive loving relationships on how to care for one's partner. I only know how to love as I have relearned how to love especially since I have lived soberly. Especially since actively learning how to love another. Doing caring deeds, trying to relearn my thinking so it is always positive, and I fail many times. 

It is not that I do not want to become a better communicating man, it is that it is difficult for me to relearn my brains thinking patterns quickly enough. And I fail to change fast enough which leads to my frustration that I am not relearning quickly enough, that the most wonderful love I have experienced will fall away because of my failing how to relearn so much of my thinking needing relearning. 

Yes we are two in this relationship however I am talking about me doing my best and not failing. Failing is the word I use because if I have not succeeded then I have failed. I am trying to be far far less black and white. Another relearning I feel unsuccessful at yet, quickly enough. Learning how to meet her love needs is more difficult than I thought than I thought how to meet another's love needs; and this leaves me feeling there's lot's of opportunity for my development in learning how to successfully understand enough to be an awesome loving partner. 

So worrying that I am not enough is what's up. Keeping my head up that I can change fast enough, well enough to be be at least enough of a partner for my lady. And more on that as I am able to comprehend more of that on whatever forever is forever is for me.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.

And after so many blog posts posting the above line, please understand that I don't particularly care to always post "Thank.....I...…..At Last" at the end of each blog. Please anonymously post your pick of an ending line for some of my blogs.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely, Ima. S. A.

xo

Because It Is Still How I Feel About Her.

 As when I look upon her face.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. 

X.O. Ima Sober Alcoholic

Sometimes I Just Gotta Be Honest.

I have known the worse in love and relationships and now I have known the very best in a relationship and so I sent My Lady this text several day's ago. "I don't know yet if I want to love the way I love you, ever again."

And so I share with you now that at this point I do not know if I shall ever want to seek another relationship. Unless God literally places her in my lap like I believe God has placed my life with My Lady. Poof and I met the the answer to my years long prayers to meet a woman who is Godly and Christian, funny and spontaneous, a woman who enjoys each day of life, a woman who prays and reads scripture daily.

That woman is My Lady I believe. And I thank God daily we know each other.

Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.

I was nearing ETOH toxicity (in the disunity of my last drunkard 21 days, 7 years ago today) from my liver being unable to function properly and the build up of ammonia poisoning my mind. I was not living anymore at this point. I was surviving in the functionality of killing myself one milliliter at a time.

☦Now I'm Living this beautiful life and skid in from its amazingly awesome ride soberly and exclaim profound utterances of joy and wonderment about life, and too Living with liberation celebrating the beginning of and ending of each day soberly; and it is a beautiful wonderment I have God to Praise forever for; first here and then thank Him personally at my time of death still in the freedom of my sobriety.
Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.
Join me.

I Still Call Her Beautiful Sweetness,

Because she is.

She Is My Best Friend. Thank You My Readers For Putting Up With My Flurries Of Thought. You See I Am Dealing With All This The Healthiest Way I Can.

She has helped me understand myself like I have never know myself before. Understanding what my mind is doing while it thinks. What my mind can and should be doing. What I can and should be doing better. What I am capable of accomplishing. You see I love her for so many reasons.

Our relationship is a plateau right now from which we can admire all the beauty which fills our lives independently, and together. I love loving her and learning how to be a better me. You see she is that special and I have been blessed by God with introduction to know her and she puts up with who I am and loves me for who I am. And moved me in the direction of loving myself again better than I ever have.

Plateaus are beautiful. My Lady and I have been to the most beautiful plateau I have experienced. In Oklahoma too. Grand vistas of slopes and far away remnants of old mountains. I don't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. She's that special of a lady. And I am so ever grateful.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Thank God Almighty I Know My Lady. My bestest friend ever.

Je' Me' Souviens.

 I myself remember once when long ago and far away several different girlfriends tell me they needed to take a step back from our relationship, and my Neurodivergent Asppy brain went into overtime thought processing. Having learned so much about myself and also understanding myself better first and foremost from My Lady. Secondly watched "Big Bang Theory" with My Lady helps me identify my thinking better. Helps me identify my thought processing and how and what I need to change in the processing. And so being blessed with introduction to this incredible beautiful lady, I so don't want to repeat any of my mistakes from once upon a time in my younger years.  So different learning to process differently. So different and wonderful loving myself richly. So wonderful being friends with such a differently specially blessed wonderful loving rich human being. Okay so she's not perfect. However she is perfect in my eyes. The deepness of her soul richly blessed in love by God. How can I not love to continue sharing the words best friends. I love her that much. I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

I myself remember because of my neural differences and my recall abilities. I am remembering so many wonderful conversations, movies, texts, our bicycle ride, road trips, sharing about our lives. sharing our loves, fears........ I myself remember my mistakes; times when instead of making her life easier, I made it difficult, especially when my hormones were fluctuating so vastly with my losing weight.  I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

At this point I never want to love this way again. I am so sad. I will rise above in time I pray. Though I now understand the several men and woman who lost by whatever reason the one they loved and chose to remain single for their life's duration. My West Coast friend tried to tell me that I shouldn't date until I got my life in order. I thought my life was in order. I didn't realize she meant financially too. I don't have any security to offer another human let alone for myself. So how could I go into a relationship again knowing I only have love to offer, and that security is awesome however, it doesn't provide any living money. And so at this point I never want to love this way again. I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

I will get over this I am sure. Though not sure how long for I feel sad right now.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Living And Loving Life.

Her gaze my everything.

I Awoke At 0437

 Friday, Saturday, Sunday and now Monday night falling asleep and awakening the next morning with soft slow warm tears drawing down my face. And now awakening like I did nine months ago. At least awakening and blogging this will not be read until My Beautiful Loving Best Friend has decided to whether she will be going East or staying here to find her heart's desire. This is a middle of the night blog so pardon my poor everything in writing this. I need to write out something so that I hopefully can go back to sleep soon. 

I am humbled that I know love this rich and deep and pure and I will always want what is best for her because I love her that much. I am blessed by God for knowing her for whatever time I am blessed.

I've learned with a CPAP that crying causes my nose to get stuffy and then I cannot breathe and use mu CPAP. So I hold inside my sorrow until I am so full that my tears flow slowly warmly from my eyes down my cheeks. You see I love her that much.

Well back to bed and hopefully back to sleep.

Letting go freely is such a sad sad emotion for me to experience, because you see I love her that much and I am Sad; And I Have Never Loved Anyone So Much As I Love The Most Beautiful Woman In The World That God Has Ever Created. I Love Her That Much. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Thank God Almighty He Introduced Me To Such An Incredibly Wonderful And Beautiful Human Being. Goodnight.

I Am Sad.

One More For Now. This Helps Me At Least. I Have Grown.

 I sure have grown these past nine months I have known My Lady. Firstly I have learned to love myself. And through this anew loving myself  I have learned to love another as I have never known how to love before. I have learned to love God, Jesus, The Holy Ghost more than I have ever loved them before. My Lady has taught me a deeper appreciation of the Bible than I have ever known before. She is such an incredible human being. Tops. How could I not love her. And love her enough to pray her journey to wherever is forever happy. And that we will always be best friends wherever forever she resides. For I now have learned how to truly love as I have never loved before. Deeply. Richly. Purely. Unconditionally. As the husband I have always prayed to be. I love loving her enough to desire the very bestest for her wherever her forever is to be. I sure have grown these past nine months that I have been blessed by God Himself to allow The Holy Ghost Mother to descend her blessings upon us both. And I thank Jesus Christ Himself that I have been Graced by the Trinity That I Am Sober At Last. Free From The Chains Which Bound Me Too Long.

 I sure have grown these past nine months I have known My Lady. Loving her is so very enriching. Not as enriching as sobriety. Leaning to love My Lady is so very soul deep wonderful. And I am forever grateful that God blessed humbled me to know such an incredible sweetly wonderful human being I shall love forever whatever forever shall be. She's that wonderful. I love her. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober To Feel Such Deeply Abiding Love From And For Another Human Being.

I'm Taking A Journey Through My Blog Reminding Myself The Joys I Have In My Living Life Soberly.

 With my memory I usually only need a mnemonic device to remember details.It is much more fun and healthy to remember the greatest of times, especially when you can share them with those you love. A look at an excerpt form the past.

"25 JUNE 2016

One Thing Remains.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, will only be a place just like any other. Until you share it with someone else.  

The joy of being in a particular place in time which is of beauty is an exquisite and profound realization.  Appreciation which runs so deeply in the soul and conscientiousness of this place encapsulates in our memory brightly.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, remains a place unlike any other, Until I share it with you.  Sobriety is this place for me."

Continuing this on 12 July 2021:

The joy of living in this time and place with My Lady is I shared my sobriety place and appreciation of how far and wide I love my living soberly. The child-like nature of enjoying living. She taught me how to live today and enjoy today and never take today for granted.

The joy of being in a particular place in time which is of beauty is an exquisite and profound realization. My appreciation runs so deeply in the soul and conscientiousness of the exquisite memories encapsulating my experiences of loving the most beautiful woman in the world.

The one thing I have learned is that the place of lve I experienced with her is unmatchable in my lifetime. This place of love remains and will forever remain a very special place so unlike any other. And I shared it with My Loving Lady. Our relationship is definitely the place for me. 

I am sad for my personal loss of my dating relationship. And I very happy that sobriety is the place for me always. And I will always love sobriety. I will always love My Lady. She is a blessing from God.

First Written 29 June 2016. And I Still Remember The Pain. I Still Celebrate The Joy Of Freedom From My Pains Of Practicing Alcoholism./

"I am scared that I will forget the pains I knew while drinking the further I remain sober.  There is a scar on my bicep of a burn from when I burned myself just a few weeks before I became a sober alcoholic.  Didn't even realize I'd burned myself until the next morning when I saw the seared flesh and suddenly remembered falling backwards when pulling the pan of baked chicken from the 425° oven and the pan hitting and searing me.  Sometimes when I want or need the memories returned, I lift my sleeve, look and remember, and then proudly thank God Almighty that I am living another day sober."

My Beautiful Lady drew a temporary tattoo over my burn scar several month's ago. It was a pretty scar for the first time ever. Made more beautiful from the love with which sshe sees me from.

Never To Judge As That Is For God.

 Never To Judge As That Is For God.

Never to judge as that is for God.

Always pray for their release.
Always pray for their freedom.
Freedom to own their lives again.

Free to live their lives soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, please be merciful to me.

Please always keep me free soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, you have been merciful to me.
Sober I am finally free.

Free to gain life and to know love
Oh God, you are merciful to me.

Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column.

 Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column. That way you can enjoy the same great reading as you do if you right now are following "The Forage" via the follow by email entry.

If this is not clear hopefully one of my regular readers who I know will 411 me please and I will respost with greater clarity.

Sad. Happy. Sober.

I haven't felt this sad since my mom died. Like a piece of me is missing. And yet I smile knowing we remain each other's best friend. Never have I loved a friend so purely, so givingly unconditionally. Open hands and all that but it's not easy peasey at all. Like I know I will go on, I am just sad right now. I have always prayed the absolute best for her and have striven to do the best in trying to give what she needs. I always prayed we would be married. I really prayed to God that I would be her husband.

Being once a waiter and now always trying to anticipate what she needs can be awkward and uncomfortable for her. My neurodivergent mind hasn't always picked up the ques to slow down my acts of that sort of giving.    I want to continue doing all I can to make her life better. I believe that is why we were introduced by God. Her soul is so beautiful, her heart so kind, her face so beautiful, her eyes rich amber, her hands the comfort of all her being.

You know when mom died I was already convicted to sobriety. Already had no desire to drink again. I knew there was a life to live that was far better than my alcoholic living had brought me to. Still do have the absolute mindset of sobriety. Like I don't even think about it. Not even when I am feeling so sad right now. My saddest day sober still beasts my best day as a practicing alcoholic.

And this too sadness will abate as My Best Friend will always be My Lady. And I too pray I will always be her Honey Bear. You see I love her so very much; much more than I ever thought I could understand what love is. And being Best Friends with My Lady is the best experience I have ever experienced in life. 

Yes I enjoy feeling the emotions I am feeling soberly. Not that I like the feelings, just that they are better now I am sober. Doesn't lesson my sad. It's just that I deeply appreciate feeling these feelings soberly. Doesn't change sad.

I have never known love. Truly deep love of myself and another. A woman who is what I had been praying for to meet for several years before we met. And my heart was swept away and my mind grounded and my soul deepened and my love so deepened and I have never known such love. I hope and pray I am as Godly of a friend without a dating relationship as I always have tried in our dating relationship. You see I have never know such another human being such as My Lady before.

Yes Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. I Have Never Known The Love I Know Sober That I Ever Did As A Drunk. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. 

Still Sad. 

Still Happy. 

Still Sober.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. 

Each

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, Never have been as bright, As since when my heart first discovered hers. Every voice I have heard, Has never been such serene song, As when my ears fill with her music. All the faces I have seen, Never sparked my totality so full of love, As when I look upon her face. And I am blessed yes. Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. And I am so ever very grateful. Amen. 

Some Explanations Of What Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome) is.

I really wish I was Neurotypical.

Recently I have posted how I am Neurodivergent so here is several links to explain,

Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent: What’s the Difference?

Neurodiversity

Neurotypical Neurodivergent dichotomy

And Asperger's,

Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome)

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(((Correction Addition))) to today's: "I Feel As Though The Light Has Gone Out On My Life. For Now."

  """And since this is a sobriety blog, I've never felt like taking a drink of anything other than water. No inclination of fixing, find a solution at the end of the road inside at the bottom  of a bottle of booze. You see as much and more than I love My Lady, and you readers hopefully know I love her so much I will gladly give my life to save hers:(((added part which was forgotten

(((( I love sobriety even more than I love My Beautiful Lady.))) She is so supper wonderfully beautiful. (((And so is sobriety.)))

I Feel As Though The Light Has Gone Out On My Life. For Now.

 I have never known another human being for whom I feel a deeper connection with than My Lady.  Never had such a deep emotional attachment with another person's soul until now. I have never loved another (short of my child) human being ever.  And now she might move to the East Coast without me.  Pretty much work all day and recover at night and do so five days a week. My heart breaks for her. Needing the security of insurance and a regular paycheck. Needing security for the remainder of her working career. Needing calm and peace in her life. 

I want and desire her best for all of her life and I so desire also to continue to be part of her life for as long as God permits. And I am sad that this may not be. I desire the absolute best in and of life for her wherever she is. I shall always want to always be best friends with her. You see she is one of those special human beings one just doesn't get blessed with often in life to meet. And I met this beautiful creature of God. God blessed me to meet her and she me for a reason. Growth for us both certainly has been a deep constant for us both. Both of us blessing each other's life. 

I feel as though the light has gone out of my life, now that she might leave and I stay behind. She has to have what's best for her growth and wellbeing and strength and her health. I enjoy acts of service for her and have throughout our relationship. My way of contributing to the bestment of her life. Not betterment. Bestment. Good, Better. Best. So Bestment. 

Selfishly I never considered that staying here in my local would not be for long, now that when she left our relationship would continue with being the best friend in the World with her. My heart breaks at the thought of no longer being in a relationship and dances in delight that we are still each others best friends. Friendship is an awesome place for us to continue with and who knows on the bright side maybe our relationship with grow again anew and stronger than before.

I have to be hopeful. I drank when I had no feelings of hope. With My Lady I learned hope as I never knew that hope existed. I learned how to rethink once I accepted my Neurodivergent and Asperger's. I learned how to deeply love myself again. I learned for the first time in life how to love another human being as I have never loved another human being before in my life. I feel as though the light has gone out on my life. No dramatics. Just the facts. I have never felt this way sober before. The last relationship I had I was greatly relived that it was over and remembered that emotion from throughout life.

I have never felt like this way of sadness. The hollow loss. And gladness that My Lady wants to remain best friends delights my heart with twirls of delight. I love her as I never knew love existed. I feel fortunate God blessed me with introduction to such an awesome creation of a human being. She is beautiful in every way. I love her in every colour of emotion I have seen her express. And she has the most beautiful eyes to look upon, and she has the most beautiful laughter, and her smile is one in a Universe, And her kind tender heartedness is a treasure I behold each day I awaken praying for her, unceasing prayers for her throughout the day and falling asleep thanking God and praying to God to hold her and protect her and comfort her throughout her sleep. And I will still get to pray those prayers for God to protect My Loving Lady while asleep to protect and comfort and hold her with His heavenly arms, after spending 30, 45, 60 minutes massaging her legs and nerves and muscles to free them from MS's grasp. I won't get to bring her that comfort and relief if and when she leaves.  I love bringing peace to her life.

I sometimes feel her pains from my home while she is at her place 9 miles away without communications of any kind. Sometimes while I sleep I experience her different MS neuromuscular pains. Once I feel the different pains at different times, I'll describe them for her and she confirms what I felt was what she experiences. We don't talk about the particular types of contractions and pains until after I experience them and ask her about them.

I pray I may always receive those pains from her to then transfer on to God to take care of. You see I love her that much. I want to carry any and all of the burdens she is unable to do. I love her that much. She is my Blessing From God. He wanted us to meet I firmly believe. We are so much an awesome teams well yoked.

And so I feel as thought the light has gone out on my life for now. Who knows what the future holds. Who knows what blessings God will bestow upon us. You know I am praying that it is a blessing, the blessing of our relationship growing stronger and better and longer. I love this woman as I  have never experienced. Unceasingly. 

And since this is a sobriety blog, I've never felt like taking a drink of anything other than water. No inclination of fixing, find a solution at the end of the road inside at the bottom  of a bottle of booze. You see as much and more than I love My Lady, and you readers hopefully know I love her so much I will gladly give my life to save hers. She is so supper wonderfully beautiful. 

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.

And soberly right now I am feeling as though the light has gone out on my life.

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.