On the 18th of June there were 145 views of this blog. Usual traffic is around 5 or 6. WOW I wonder where all the folks from France, Germany, The Netherlands, and The USA found my sobriety blog? July 1st there were 5 views also from those 4 countries.
Sure do hate it (and thankful) when memories come to the surface of my assaults. No amount of alcohol ever erased my recall, which was tucked back in the very recess of my memories. It is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness to shift or change the compounded affects from a lifetime of dodgeballing my way away from remembering recessed details. BAM then recall and dealing with memories (especially remembering yesterday that 5 July was one assault day upon me). Definitely better now to remember and deal with my emotions now, rather than run away from the discomfort of them. Better to heal and deal so that my relationship with My Lady, The Most Beautiful Woman In The World continues growing stronger (I worry about that). Booze is not even in consideration. My release from the grasp of overdrinking and into death is complete. Although daily I work on it as all sober alcoholics should do, I am no longer the moth diving towards the flickering light of the alcoholic pounding down the booze candle.
I will be contacting a cousin of mine who chose to separate herself from the rest of the family: that Uncle's side of the family: and asking her if there were other children the Uncle abused?
Living as a Neural-Divergent now that I know I am such and also an Asperger's person is profound. Realizing events from my past were caused in part and in full by the way my brain thinks SUCKS. Sucks big when I remember the jobs, friends, relationships, possible relationships that I lost or that never came to fruition. My Beautiful Girlfriend says my energy has been down for the past couple of months; and once she shared that, then I realized my mental attention has been working in overdrive to try and not make those mistakes again. My thinking causes me to do things which I think are kind and loving which turn out to be for the receiver to be quite the opposite. Profoundly sucks that my Neural-Divergence and my Asperger's continues to affect my relationship.
I spent many years not liking yes hating myself for who I was. Being different from everyone else has its real sucky moments. Being misunderstood and misunderstanding social "norms" and clues leads to sorrow for me sometimes even now. Not being the man I am supposed to be is profound in the past, now, and in the future. Not fitting in when I really thought I was trying and doing a great job of fitting in sucks.
I am sober today 6 years and 11 months today. I am grateful for today and my sobriety. I love life and living it without the burdens of practicing alcoholism. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Sober At Last To Live, Learn, Love without the practicing alcoholics impediments. Never as in this Neural-Divergent Asperger person will never drink alcohol again. My worse day sober is always better than my best day as a practicing alcoholic.
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