I Feel As Though The Light Has Gone Out On My Life. For Now.

 I have never known another human being for whom I feel a deeper connection with than My Lady.  Never had such a deep emotional attachment with another person's soul until now. I have never loved another (short of my child) human being ever.  And now she might move to the East Coast without me.  Pretty much work all day and recover at night and do so five days a week. My heart breaks for her. Needing the security of insurance and a regular paycheck. Needing security for the remainder of her working career. Needing calm and peace in her life. 

I want and desire her best for all of her life and I so desire also to continue to be part of her life for as long as God permits. And I am sad that this may not be. I desire the absolute best in and of life for her wherever she is. I shall always want to always be best friends with her. You see she is one of those special human beings one just doesn't get blessed with often in life to meet. And I met this beautiful creature of God. God blessed me to meet her and she me for a reason. Growth for us both certainly has been a deep constant for us both. Both of us blessing each other's life. 

I feel as though the light has gone out of my life, now that she might leave and I stay behind. She has to have what's best for her growth and wellbeing and strength and her health. I enjoy acts of service for her and have throughout our relationship. My way of contributing to the bestment of her life. Not betterment. Bestment. Good, Better. Best. So Bestment. 

Selfishly I never considered that staying here in my local would not be for long, now that when she left our relationship would continue with being the best friend in the World with her. My heart breaks at the thought of no longer being in a relationship and dances in delight that we are still each others best friends. Friendship is an awesome place for us to continue with and who knows on the bright side maybe our relationship with grow again anew and stronger than before.

I have to be hopeful. I drank when I had no feelings of hope. With My Lady I learned hope as I never knew that hope existed. I learned how to rethink once I accepted my Neurodivergent and Asperger's. I learned how to deeply love myself again. I learned for the first time in life how to love another human being as I have never loved another human being before in my life. I feel as though the light has gone out on my life. No dramatics. Just the facts. I have never felt this way sober before. The last relationship I had I was greatly relived that it was over and remembered that emotion from throughout life.

I have never felt like this way of sadness. The hollow loss. And gladness that My Lady wants to remain best friends delights my heart with twirls of delight. I love her as I never knew love existed. I feel fortunate God blessed me with introduction to such an awesome creation of a human being. She is beautiful in every way. I love her in every colour of emotion I have seen her express. And she has the most beautiful eyes to look upon, and she has the most beautiful laughter, and her smile is one in a Universe, And her kind tender heartedness is a treasure I behold each day I awaken praying for her, unceasing prayers for her throughout the day and falling asleep thanking God and praying to God to hold her and protect her and comfort her throughout her sleep. And I will still get to pray those prayers for God to protect My Loving Lady while asleep to protect and comfort and hold her with His heavenly arms, after spending 30, 45, 60 minutes massaging her legs and nerves and muscles to free them from MS's grasp. I won't get to bring her that comfort and relief if and when she leaves.  I love bringing peace to her life.

I sometimes feel her pains from my home while she is at her place 9 miles away without communications of any kind. Sometimes while I sleep I experience her different MS neuromuscular pains. Once I feel the different pains at different times, I'll describe them for her and she confirms what I felt was what she experiences. We don't talk about the particular types of contractions and pains until after I experience them and ask her about them.

I pray I may always receive those pains from her to then transfer on to God to take care of. You see I love her that much. I want to carry any and all of the burdens she is unable to do. I love her that much. She is my Blessing From God. He wanted us to meet I firmly believe. We are so much an awesome teams well yoked.

And so I feel as thought the light has gone out on my life for now. Who knows what the future holds. Who knows what blessings God will bestow upon us. You know I am praying that it is a blessing, the blessing of our relationship growing stronger and better and longer. I love this woman as I  have never experienced. Unceasingly. 

And since this is a sobriety blog, I've never felt like taking a drink of anything other than water. No inclination of fixing, find a solution at the end of the road inside at the bottom  of a bottle of booze. You see as much and more than I love My Lady, and you readers hopefully know I love her so much I will gladly give my life to save hers. She is so supper wonderfully beautiful. 

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.

And soberly right now I am feeling as though the light has gone out on my life.

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.