I Awoke Feeling Alone Today

 That I had to move on alone in life again. That the relationship we were building isn't forever and that the best team I have ever been honoured to be a member of, isn't anymore. 

That someday soon the opportunity of seeing and sharing time with the person I love so richly, freely, deeply, will be a memory of the greatest time in my life. Of course I want to be with her forever whatever forever is, however she never could promise me forever. So I prayed that God would answer my prayers that we could be forever. I mean He is God and this is so right and good why wouldn't he answer my earnest and honest prayer. It's purely for good so why wouldn't He answer my prayer to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world?

I awoke feeling alone today. Not as alone as I felt last year. I waited meeting women until I knew or could think I knew that their heart was pure. And I met my lady. And truly believed God had matched me with someone who would be my partner. Someone as much my best friend (she still is) and more. My wife.

Why get married at my old age? Someone who I can count on each minute of each day. Someone to be there for and to be there for me. Touch. Companionship. Hugs and kisses and all the growth of being forever whatever forever could be built by us to be happier than ever we had been. That's all. To awaken with my best friend daily and build better each day, that's what I think about getting married at my old age. To experience love and happiness and growth together under the same roof and in the same home sharing life and love the best we can and better more still.

I awoke feeling very alone today. Alone to carry on in life a far better man than ever I thought or prayed or ever dreamed that I could grow. But alone. Alone without her in my life in growing partnership and yes growing deeper together in marriage. That is what I most feel alone about today. That we are not going to be married. That I am not going to get to enjoy being married to the most wonderful wife in the world.

You see I love her that much, and I awoke feeling alone today. Cannot explain fully why. I just awoke feeling alone today. Sober thankfully. Alone unthankfully. 

I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love.

And I awoke feeling alone today accepting that there is no forever whatever forever is for us. And I am so very sad.

I love her that much. She is my best friend, her beauty from out to deeply within is exquisite. 

I awoke feeling alone today. Hollow that my prayers are not to be. I love her that much to want what she wants and forever whatever forever is, is not to be.

I will continue to make my way in life sober. I will continue to make my life without my dreams and prayers answered as to forever, although my dreams and prayers are answered as I have met the best friend I have ever known. I am just so very sad that I can not be her husband.

I am trying so hard to not see this as black and white, and see from the  middle. I just continue to see that I won't be her husband and I feel alone today.

Blessed and sober, and sad.