Sober. Still Less Of A Man Than I Hoped Or Thought Or Prayed I'd Be As A Sober Man.

 Awesome celebrating my sobriety and all: and I am forever grateful.

Never thought about living while I was drinking myself into oblivion, only thought about dying. That I was not worthy of living. Now I never think about taking a drink and returning to a living Hell. Now I am forever grateful to be living a sober life. Never considered retirement while I was drinking, only wanted to be dead totally. as much as I felt dead inside. Never understood then why I never felt unworthy to be alive. Now I understand it was the turmoil from my youth in everyway. My dad only cared about leaving and being gay as I discovered as an adult. He was always concerned about how much we were costing him. Plus the two assaults and all the other normal doubts which occur during growing up under "normal" circumstances. 

I drank, drank, drank away my youth and any possibility of a career all the way into adulthood until I quit boozing and began living a sober life.  Drank, drank, drank my way right into near poverty. And near poverty is where I am at still now. Less of a man than other men who work and have worked into successful careers. A home, a car, vacations, you know a far better life than I have ever lived. A far better life than I will live through the conclusion of my life.  And nothing to offer My Lady. Nothing to offer what any real man could offer. A home, life insurance, medical, dental, vision, and all those insurances, and the insurance that I can make money enough to survive and thrive for me, for the two of us. 

So feeling less than a real man is real. I do not have any "insurance" to offer My Lady towards offering a life married together.  Throughout all of my feelings like this I remain convicted to my sobriety. I love being sober. I love each day without a cloud of booze interfering with my living.  But still I feel less than a real man. A man at this point condemned to a future of living in government housing. (After speaking with my former priest, he forgot to hang up, and being inquisitive I listened to his conversation with a woman he was spiritually guiding. His explained amongst other rumormongering how I am destine to government housing and a life of poverty because of................) Too many things to want to recall which would drag me down. So this is not only his opinion but mine; and the reality that I have nothing to offer My Lady except love. AND love doesn't put food on the table, doesn't pay the bills or put a roof over one's head.  Love doesn't buy insurance or bring financial stability to a relationship.

And so I have nothing to offer My Love other than love for right now. If she takes the job on the East Coast I don't know if I can find a job there. I've been applying for jobs there and here to almost no avail. Either my resume is bogus or I am not even considered for employment because of who knows why other than I have been applying to an average of 135 jobs weekly for weeks and have only had two interviews. So feeling less of a man re this too.

Maybe these last nine months of dating a true God-send of a human being as is my My Lady, has been to build both of us strong for us to move on without each other as stronger human beings. Certainly not how I have viewed this relationship as I so love this woman with whole heart and every fibre of my being. I have always striven to build the best relationship for our future.

And so I worry and fret to no avail. I apply for jobs here and where she might move. Her job would be with benefits, decent pay, holidays. I worry about her not being strong enough to stand for eight hours a day and hurting, and me not being there to do things to help her, and not being there to massage her muscles and nerves and give her lymph massages.  Maybe she won't need me. 

Anyway God decides is best for her I accept. I will try endlessly to be able to move to continue our relationship in one location, if God so chooses. Her best interest has always been my first goal. Making her life better has always been my first goal, and will always remain so whatever the future holds.

Still I am less of a man than I hoped or thought or prayed I'd be as a sober man. I have nothing to offer a relationship other than love. And love doesn't pay the bills. And I am working on reordering my brain, so please pray for me to be able to change at such an old age.

Quite an awakening these past months. Leaning to conquest my assaults. Learning to live with the mistakes of my lifetime when I didn't realize that I am Autistic with Asperger's. When I was like the characters of the  TV show "The Big Bang Theory." My mind remembers lots and lots of things. And I am remembering friendships, relationships, family, work situations, church, etc., where I now realize it is because I am different. I used to embrace being different. Now I am aghast to remember and realize my being different has caused so many failures in my life. I am working hard on integrating myself better than I have in the past thanks to My Lady.

Fuck it. I will not let this affect the awesome changes I have been effecting in my life. Mental changes about self worth, and can do it attitude. Physical changes in strengthening my body and endurance. I have made it through bad times and still love life. I especially love life now sober and I love living sober. I love living sober even now feeling less of a man than I hoped or thought or prayed I'd be as a sober man.

Since I met My Lady, I have enjoyed the nine best months of my life. I have thought better and lived better. I have prayed better and I have loved better. I have celebrated better and have learned more and better. My life is richer than I ever hoped or thought or prayed possible. I still pray that our relationship is until the end of time. What I call forever and married.

I may still feel less of a man than I hoped or though or prayed I'd be as a sober man; However I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. Sober At Last. Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly Whatever Life Shows. I Will Not Ever Go Back To Being A Drunk. Looking forward is far far better than what I once knew and acted upon.  Reordering my brain to accepting whatever may happen daily with thankfulness to God Almighty is far better for me. And I am doing the reordering of my brain in overtime I am telling all'you'all.

Before confirmation of my Asperger's, I knew I was Autistic although never had confirmation. Now I accept it as accepting something I cannot change. I cannot accept that our relationship will do any other thing than prosper; and that I will continue to do all I am  able to do to remain in building partnership with My Lady. God blessed me with meeting her and I am not willing to let either of them down.

I may still feel less of a man than I hoped or though or prayed I'd be as a sober man; However I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. Sober At Last. Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly Whatever Life Shows. 

I Will Not Ever Go Back To Being A Drunk. 

I Love Learning How To Think Anew.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

Sober At Last. 

Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly,

Whatever Life Shows.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

P.S. I began tonight's blog feeling blue. I am doing better thank you. This blog helps me compose my thoughts better and now I know why.   I am an Autistic Asperger. Or whatever you want to call me. Just don't call me late for dinner. And don't call me Shirley.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

Sober At Last.