11 September 2018
New Habits Continue Still. Part One.
Around the first of July this year, I delivered groceries to an older gentleman who lives in Government housing. It was my third delivery of groceries to him. After he answered the door I brought his groceries into his sixth floor apartment and set them on his kitchen counters. We then spoke about the awesome view he would have of the fireworks display coming up on the forth of July. He shared with me he had lived in the same apartment for twenty years and would probably die there also. He explained that his doctor had told him he did not have too many more months to live as his health was declining rapidly and this would probably be his last 4th of July. We spoke of a few things more and then I needed to leave and begin shopping my next shop.
Sure did get me to thinking for the first time about how much he and I were similar. I have no family who cares for me and will be alone as he is when and if I get to be age 80. Additionally, I drank away anytime I had in order to build a career and a retirement fund. I have nothing financially to plan for with in my retirement than working until I can no more.
Sure did set me in a decline of depression through July and August, and only in these past several weeks have I begun to set myself upright again. NO I have not begun using anything again. I have dealt with my depression slowly and surely and soberly.
I am alone and feel it. I have looked all of this year for a career and not just a job. My days are filled with a sadness which I have never felt before. I will muscle through this as I muscled through earning my recovery and have remained happily sober.
I wish everything I write here was all sunshine and happiness however, life is an interventionist and would not allow me golden thoughts to write right now.
Finding my way without any close friends to talk with other than my friend in California, and my girlfriend in Austin, has been difficult. I have no friends left here in my hometown who are close enough to talk about this. Those to whom I have reached out to, have other things to do instead of maintaining deep enough contact with me that I may share what I am experiencing and seek their council. So here I am writing this blog to sort out my thoughts and emotions in order to think, write, and then read and review them trying for greater clarity.
I have always persevered and I will do so again this time as well, and I will continue to persevere soberly. Even poor and broke and living in government housing, and dying sober at 80 is better than dying from practicing alcoholism.
I am grateful, delighted, ecstatic, and always thanking God I am sober. While my friend Cory was dying over the course of several weeks from his alcoholism I had some deep reflection about myself. I deserve to die a sober death. Life may feel as though it really sucks right now however, rest assured I enjoy dealing even with the mess of my life sober. I absolutely cannot, will not, ever like totally never go back to drinking.
PART TWO- Will be a continuation of this writing although I am not sure how much time will elapse before that composition makes it here for all'you'all to read. Hey you know, this is one part of my limited legacy. This is one thing which will remain until the next technology makes this blog obsolete.
Until then rest assured I still THANK GOD ALMIGHTY DAILY THAT I AM TOTALLY SOBER AT LAST.
Peace my readers. May God bless your life also.
21 August 2018
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
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My thanks to all six of you following by email.
Sincerely, Ima.
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Four Years Fifteen Days, A.K.A. I Forgot To Blog My Forth Anniversary Until Now LOL.
Sure enough I hit four years and actually forgot to blog about the day. It'sa a big deal I know as is every day of sobriety. I am not a sober alcoholic who "struggles" or is "white knuckled.' I just do not ever want to drink again. Life sucks, tho not as bad as suffering from full blown practicing alcoholism does. Sure as poo life at its worse is still better than ever drinking again. For me once I began practicing sobriety there will be no turning back.
I read several articles and blogs while searching for my blog on the web. Interestingly enough one article defined sober as not drinking although still white knuckled and struggling to be free; while recovering is dealing with all of the causes and not drinking again.
Well for sure I am very glad my quitting methodology of the good old fashion, "I'm finally tired and drained emotionally, physically, and Spiritually to the point of exhaustion and will never drink again Thank God" worked. Pretty easy motivator with memories of losses, personal injury, and sorrow driving deep deep desires to never drink again.
So my other two quits are going fine too. Nicotine still taps my thoughts from time to time, and I resist because I am so far down the road of healing, recovery, sobriety, Celebrating Freedom from everything, and that I am not going to do those stupidities again either.
There now. Now I have celebrated with words about my deep deep affection, appreciation, compassion and deep abiding love with living my life as a sober alcoholic. And there's no going back.
On another note my N.M. friend whom I've mentioned and rallied about numerous occasions; well he's not communicated with me in four weeks now. I'll keep you posted.
Thank God Almighty.
Indeed Thank God Almighty I Live Free
Ecstatically Joyously Sober.
T.T.F.N.
Ima Soberalcoholic.
12 July 2018
25 Days Until 4 Years Thank God Almighty
SWEET. Four years of sobriety coming up for me. I really want to post on FB on my anniversary 6 August about my sobriety and what I believe about the terms and definitions of alcoholic. I believe there is the practicing alcoholic and the sober alcoholic; not just the alcoholic. Yes there is always a chance of relapse however, sober is sober and practicing is drinking.
Now is the time to give your opinion aboout whether I should or should Not publicly pronounce my sobriety. Message me using the tab I've provided and please share what's on your mind.
Another note... My appoligies to my friend about whom I've rallied about on this blog many times. He is sober and staying that way through conviction. My appoligies to him for my strong and almost offensive language from time to time.
25 June 2018
6/24/16 copied cut from which original post written...AKA Posting Schlock which I didn't post two years ago.
I cleared my drafts by posting this bit of schlock which was once important for me to write, and now I want to share. Sharing my initial struggle with you the readers now, which I over came upon my beginning walk of sobriety, is refrreshing for me. Thank you for your tolerance of my posting this.
"Pulse Of Life...
Part two…"
WOW. I did not realize as I wrote my last post how much provocative thought I would experience. I really hadn’t thought about just what exactly I had gone through those first four months, which equals a semester and was my time measure then. Just making it through my part-time job, trying to study before and after work. Then I went to class. Three real classes and one online class. I had to account for time to work on my online meteorology class. I had to attend and do classwork for a poly-sci class, a Native American Arts class, and a World War II class. My sleep each night was between bad and worse but, at least I was sober. Each night I would say The Lord’s Prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep” prayer, and The Serenity Prayer.
Each Political Science class was brutal for none other than firstly, the professor was so dry and boring that sunshine almost never stuck his head into the room. Never mind that I had no attention span. Three times through the semester the professor told us she never posted the class notes online because otherwise nobody would ever show up to her class. No kidding the students would check each other’s notes to make sure they got it all. My hand cramped writing notes from 16:30-19:20 each Tuesday, flexing my hand during the ten-minute break. I already mentioned it once however, even a lifelong sober person in class found her to be extremely boring, dry, and uninspiring of a lecturing disseminating provider of information. Try doing that for the first sixteen weeks of sobriety. I took an incomplete in this class the week of mom’s dying and completed the paper and test still due by June of 2015 with a “B”.
Native American Arts was fun and although I struggled, I survived. Earned a “B”.
Meteorology was awesome and I struggled a little and I survived with a "B".
World War II History was interesting since I had lots of prior knowledge about this subject already. Sometime after dad died 22 October we watched two films two weeks in a row. One was of the Battle of the Bulge and one was of the German winter campaign against Russia. Both showed pictures of stacks of frozen dead soldiers. Tough viewing under any circumstances. OH BOY if there was one day worse in this class it was when we were watching Kamikaze pilots doing shots of Saki before their mission. I could taste and smell and thought about warm Saki again. Good thing for three things. One, I was in a 7:20-10PM class and liquor stores close at 9PM. Two, I was too grateful being sober. Three, I was also grateful being sober. I earned an "A" for my semester's only "A".
The week before final’s week is traditionally called, “Dead week.” Mom was also dying and died, 5 December ‘14, the Friday during my semester’s dead week.
By time of my 2 Dec. ’14 Tuesday WWII class I’d spent two days with mom, who by this point had been returned to her home and bedroom to die.
I placed my cell phone next to me at my table. When the professor (Who HATES cell phone usage in class) handed me my test paper I told him, “My mom’s dying right now and if she begins to die I need to go.” He asked me if I really wanted to be there right then?
That evening before I left mom’s side and go on to my WWII class, we said the Lord’s Prayer as we always had together for many years. I told her I needed to go to class. She nodded yes, and replied, “Yes go.” Mom was as strong of a supporter and believer in my ability to complete my fulltime education and earn my bachelor’s degree as my priest and I were.
So I am actually chronologically assimilating my walk in sobriety’s notes and will write more later about my joy and sorrows of those first sixteen weeks of sobriety.
To Be Continued…
Pulse Of Life. The Second Sixteen Weeks Of Sobriety
Twelve hours of classes.
A 4700 level class, Philosophy, Death and Dying where I wrote seven papers about death including my own advanced directive and in detail.
A 4900 Independent study history class which I wrote a paper about the relationship between World War II German rocketry, and the Manhattan Project.
A 3700 relationship Sociology where I wrote 22 critiques and two papers on relationships.
And a 4300 level History of Native Americans with four tests, a final and a book review on Samson Occum's papers written while a Native American Preacher in Colonial America.
Unfortunately, Even Those Who Know My Real Identity, Never Mention Or Talk About These Posts.
Unfortunately, Even Those Who Know My Real Identity, Never Mention Or Talk About These Posts. Sobriety shouldn't be hidden like alcoholism is. Sobriety should be celebrated always.
I pulled off traveling with my now 24 year old "child", over the course of thirteen years (2002-20015) to 41 states and D.C.; celebrating the day of my birthday with my child on top of Pike's Peak three times; in Dallas and San Antonio many times; as well as San Diego and Springfield Massachusetts. Additionally, over 30,000+ Amtrak miles. All accomplished from wages earned while working as a waiter trainer, delivery driver, organic market gardener, massage therapist, and college student. Additionally, I brought my child via Amtrak to Dallas for the OU/texas game, providing weekend hotel and food too, all four years of my child's college. My early graduation present for my child and early graduation present for myself was a 25 state and D.C., 7867 mile, two week Amtrak journey May 2015. During the trip there was little engagement from my daughter; nothing of any promise for a growing relationship. Upon return to our hometown, my daughter had a number of my items which I needed; and for which she took weeks returning to me.
Why do I mention this? During all the train travel I prayed an undividable bound would grow. Especially after my gaining my sobriety. Throughout the entire 7967 mile 2015 train trip, and for months before the epic journey, I shared with my daughter my hope that our relationship would grow. Upon our completion of the journey, my prayers, hopes, and desires were to no avail. I heard from her less and less and then after her May 2016 graduation from University, and most of her contact withered away.
After Father's Day 2016, and days from my July birthday, I have never heard from her again.
Certainly you blame this lack of care and contact to my past practicing alcoholism, and do not know or haven't read of my X's Parent Alienation Syndrome inducement. Yes I have the responcibility for and of my former alcoholic tendancies. I have no controll over the vitrol of hate for which my X continues to practice her alienation from me, for my daughter from her maternal grandmom and aunt.
Even with this sadness and loss of contact with my daughter, and my continual prayers for a "prodigal daughter" senario, I remain stedfastly committed to my sobriety.
Nothing and I do state nothing will return me to practicing my alcoholism and all the misery my alcoholism brought me.
I Am Sober. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. And That Will Last God Helping Always.
One day at a time. Thank God Almighty I Am Free And Sober At Last.
02 June 2018
WOW. It's Been Quite Some Time Since I Last Posted.
Sobriety is still my embrace X3. Been life going on since I last posted. Building my personal relationships stronger daily. Building my pesonal friendships better daily.
For those of you who still receive my posts, thank you.
Life has challenges and I am still grateful daily that THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, I AM FREE AT LAST. Conquering daily challenges still remains a deep knee bender for me. My four year anniversary free from alcohol is only two months away. Hiroshima Day. 6 August.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.
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