Must Effect Immediate Change

 I must immediately change my thinking into stronger more like everybody else thinking. Not being considered normal is heavy and sad. How to keep my already positive attributes while changing how I think without changing the good parts of me will be an interesting work. I want to be better for all occasions. Friendship, courtship, relationship, workship, sailing smoothly with me understanding quickly what is transpiring and my appropriately responding to almost every occasion reasonably and correctly with arguing or seeming to argue, when in reality I see that I am trying to understand. Arguing is the furthest from my mind. I do not like to argue. I only want to understand.

So today forward I will question every response before I respond. Today forward I will question every action of mine.

And honestly think before speaking. I have heard that before throughout life and now I understand why. And it makes me sad realizing the lost. Looking forward to the gain I have to realize in order to be more like most everyone else. Looking forward to learning more about myself and how to succeed when never before have I really succeeded. In all aspects of my life I really desire to succeed. I have experienced too much sadness from not understanding and not succeeding because I did not understand I was fully at fault. Understanding that I can make a difference in my life is vastly important now to me. How to accomplish my success is daunting yet I somehow know because of the confidence My Lady has in my successes. She believes in my abilities like no one else ever has shared. I really am trying to see in full colour and not just black and white. Her belief in me is awesome. That she has put up with my being so different is a blessing. I can be quite a handful trying to make my way soberly in my second relationship in seven years. My Lady has been very patient through my learning about her, as much as I pray to have been patient in my learning about her ins and outs. 

She has brought me to such a greater understanding of my differences and I am trying to learn how to wield my new relationship within myself to succeed better than ever I have before. That's an easy mark to hit lol. My Lady has opened my world.

I am struggling to accept my neurodivergence, and work away from that tag and redefine myself into the man whom I have always wanted to be. I just want to be the best man in life now.

God grant me the serenity.

God help me be a better me that I know I can be.

Gad thank you for introducing me to My Lady, whom I am forever grateful for loving me even when I have not been too loveable.

God thank you for my sobriety which I love above all else here on earth.

God help my appreciate my being different than most others around, and cast off the weight I feel burdened with by being different than most everyone else.

God help me accept that I have failed in my past, and accept that the is a brighter future now ahead of me.

Dear God I really love and desire more time with My Lady.

God grant me the wisdom to accept that more time with My Lady may not be.

God thank you for creating me for who I am, and for whom I can become with your grace and my working on changing how I think, and thinking before I speak.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

TMI

I have come to realize that my blog has ceased being as much a sobriety blog as it has become my beginning to understand the love I feel so deeply for My Lady. And letting go and saying goodbye to what I have prayed so long and fast about, and hello to the relationship I should have been embracing all along instead of what I prayed for and wanted. I must move forward to that which will make My Lady happiest, and that is best how I may show her how much I love her. She is the love of my life and I am sorting through my feelings for her.

So next I post here, I will try and remain closer to topic and write about sobriety, which is actually becoming almost boring for me to write about. Boring because I do not struggle to remain sober. Sober is easy. The struggle I have is learning to live the remainder of my life confident that I am worthy of love and a long-term relationship in friendship with the most beautiful woman in the world. 

I know that I can fall off of sobriety if I do not always remain vigilant. However I am not returning to the prison of hell from which I successfully escaped and Jesus escorted me away from. 

Been there. Done that. Ain't happening again. I never will return to the pain from which I escaped once I bound myself to sobriety.

So once I need to write something again I will.

We will see how long silence is golden from me.

Thank God I Am Free Soberly. 

Startled Again.

 Awoke startled again and of course could not go back to sleep. At least it was only 30 minutes from alarm time. Thinking about My Best Friend. Trying to accept that we have no forever. Enjoying that we are still spending about the same time together. Trying to reorder my brain quickly enough to move forward for and by myself healthy. Realized that what we have had is a standard beyond exceptional. I am sad. Feel lost that I must move on in life again alone. The tangible takeaway for me that I am blessed by having been in the best relationship of any kind in my life. It remains although no longer as a unity that moves on together, rather separately. 

So I awoke praying God to help me accept that this human being for whom I love so greatly, will at some point moving away whatever away is, without me.

So I awoke trying to accept that I have nothing to offer any relationship with any woman. I will work till I die alone. We all die alone, it just would be nice to have a partner to accompany me along the way while enjoying the journey.

Acceptance.

Sadness.

The greatest joy I have ever known.

The greatest loss that I have ever experienced.

So I awoke and began trying to envision what my future looks like now without the woman I love so dearly and I see

Nothing.

Acceptance sure is difficult for me. You see I simply love her that deeply

Acceptance.

Difficult envisioning a future without forever with My Lady.

I awoke sober. 

Good morning.

I am sad. Oh so sad.

Going From Something

 to suddenly realizing that there is no forever whatever forever is forever is for us leaves me totally totally feeling

...

...

Blank.

She Is The Most Beautiful Woman In This World.

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting My Lady. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. 

Ima Sober Alcoholic

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly I love My Lady. I am forever grateful that I love My Lady as much as I do. I never fully understood the depth of which loss of hope to be with someone forever can reach until now. I feel such great loss right now.

Should I still call her My Lady when she will never really be My Lady? You see my mind is learning from all of this and I need to learn more greatly. You see I love her beyond description using what I believe is my expansive vocabulary. My heart breaks greatly as I now understand why she could not promise me forever. I thought I needed to earn the status of forever; not that there truly will be no forever for us. I still want and need to call her My Lady as I have always prayed to meet and know and date a woman as wonderfully beautiful in every aspect as My Lady.

She's the best friend I have ever known. My heart is sad. She's a lady and she's my best friend however she's not My Lady anymore than there is a forever for us. I am torn. How much affection should I show her without making her uncomfortable. Do I continue to share with her how much I love her? Do I continue to express Gvgeyuhi (That I love her so greatly that I will give my life to save hers>) Or do I quietly slow down on sharing with her how great my love is for her, so as to not make her feel awkward. You see what is easy for some gets overplayed in my mind with doubt. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. I want always to be able to express to her how much I love her. I want to until she meets someone who can provide her with all of that of which I cannot, like financial security.

I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

My love is so great for My Lady I will carry her in my heart and mind and soul forever. 

If there really is such a thing as a Soulmate, I have met mine and enjoyed life to the fullest.

Time for me to remember the love we share forever.

Time for me to move myself mentally into a new place in my mind and being and soul.

Time for me to remain single for my life's duration. I just don't want to lose at this depth again. I am not afraid to love again. I have only love to offer and that is not enough to proceed in life with any woman much less My Lady.

I will continue on in life alone as I do not want to hurt like my who being is breaking ever again forever.

Thank god almighty I Am Sober. I Am sober At Last And Loving Sobriety For Seven Years Now. 

I am grateful to experience all that I have experienced with My Lady.

I remain sad that I will not be living soberly forever with My Lady.

Thank you for reading this and I might write again when never becomes now again.

I feel so lost right now.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Accepting The Things I Cannot Change,

 Really sucks dinosaur Coprolite right now.

Click on the word coprolite in the above text.

Yes I Want Her Best,

 I pray her best is where we are together wherever that is. 

I am at such a loss right now. Not booze-wise. Sad wise.

I love her that much to accept what she wants is better than what I have to offer. It's how I feel. I simply love her enough to accept God's and her choice as to where she will continue her life from.

I am so sad. Sober too. 

I will not pursue any further relationships. I believed this relationship to be a gift from God. It is that wonderful of a relationship. I do not want to experience this depth of loss again in whatever forever is for me. The cannot be such great of love for me than My Lady.

I have never had to say goodbye willingly to anyone I have loved, much less the love I feel so deeply greatly to my very core. I am so sad. Delighted My Lady knows what she wants. Sad that it is not me she wants. Whatever want is, I am not and this makes me sad. Delighted My Love knows what she wants. Loving her so much that acceptance for her want is easy, loving her so much that accepting her want tears me up beyond beyond.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her. 

I Have Never Known

 Love as I have discovered love with My Lady. I want us to be side by side together for as long as God blesses us to be together. Like until the sun sets itself forever for one of us. I love her that much. Thank God I am sober seven years tomorrow.

I Feel Much The Same As This Poem.

 My True Love

© Hailey L. Sturgill

Published: February 2006

I have a feeling

That I can't comprehend

In my deepest thoughts you are

More than just a friend.

I wouldn't want to

Rush us now

As love we explore

But there's a growing love inside

That we just can't ignore.

I love the times we

Spend together. We are comfortable

And free.  I think of you when we are

Alone.  I think of you and me.

We have shared

Secrets to uncover. There's more

To life. We will both discover.

I love you always.

I'll love you when you're dumb,

I'll love you when you're smart,

I'll love you anyway you are,

Right from the start.

I'll love you if you're tall

I'll love you if you're short,

I'll love you if you're pretty,

Or just an ugly dork.

I'll love you if you're toothless,

I'll love you if you're blind,

Anything that's wrong with you,

To me you'll be fine.

My heart is opening up now,

Unlike it used to do,

I see the pain that's in your heart

And sometimes I feel it too.

I'll love you tomorrow,

I'll love you today,

I'll love you forever,

And forever always.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-true-love

I Finally Accept,

That My Lady does not want to get married again. 

Awoke accepting she doesn't want to get married again even to me.

I sent the following text to her this morning: "Don't be concerned about me surprising you with a proposal anymore. I have no plans to ask you to marry me anymore since you keep saying you don't want to get married again. Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏"  She text back, "thank you."

And that my readers is the toughest text I have ever felt compelled to send. Sad making. You see we see remarriage differently. No changing that. Acceptance. Still she is the woman I always prayed to meet to marry. No changing that either. The Serenity Prayer in full motion. Saddens me to no end. God must physically place any other relationship that He blesses me with, directly personally onto my actual lap with a letter of confirmation; otherwise I am done with thinking, searching, dating, trying for any other relationship. Other than friendship. 

I finally accept that I will not get married again or place myself in the position of developing any relationship towards marriage. I finally understand those I have met in life who do not want a deep personal relationship with anyone again in their lives; because of the depth of love they feel for another. You know the kind of love which transcends all other connections with all other humans. 

I finally accept that My Lady does not want to get married again.

I finally accept that as with my sobriety is forever, there is no forever relationship with My Lady; and that I am not attempting any forever relationship again with any woman. I hurt too much.

Yes Sobriety Is The Bomb And I thank God Constantly Throughout Each Day That I Am Sober.

I also thank Him throughout the day for introducing me to My Lady. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I Finally Accept My Forever Is A Forever Without My Lady.

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

O God and Heavenly Father,  Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

It is what it is.

Thank God I Am Sober.

Neurotypical VS Neurodivergent. 2 Days Till 7 Years.

 If I could wish a wish it would be to wish I wish I knew how to immediately be accepted for who I am instead of having to conform to what all the neurotypical expect. Doubting myself about how I am acting and whether or not it is acceptable? Just being me in time and space and the day only to realize how I thought everything went wasn't necessarily that way. Go figure. Go figure? If I could wish a wish to wish upon it would be to wish a wish and wish to understand just why I cannot just be me?

Sober doesn't make this any easier for me to understand how not to be me and how to conform and watch what I am saying afraid that I may offend by just thinking and being me and how God made me. Yes I realize that is one heck of a bad run on sentence however I liked the stream of consciousness writing there so I went with it and since I am Neurodivergent and this is my blog and I can get away with being different here I am just going to plain plane plane write as I see right. Got to get out of wishing.

Wishing doesn't work. 

Praying silently and listening that is more like it. When I talk with God I ask of Him nothing for myself. You see if I ask nothing for myself and everything for others then He will bless me. He has protected me throughout my life, even in the stupidest of my times. So I pray for others. Until now. Because now I keep praying to God to make me understand what it is like to be like how most everyone else is being neurotypical. I used to personally celebrate the fact that I was different than most other people. Now I pray God along with all else I pray for others, to now help me understand enough how for me to be like most others that I blend in and don't offend. 

I love myself and accept myself for who I am. I just wish everybody in the world accepted everybody for who they are. I mean I am sober and against all odds I will be 7 years sober in a day and a half.  I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am learning to look forward and not backwards. Forwards to what I do not know and towards what I do not know. And so loving My Lady. And learning to be a better man. A better sober man than I am now. And still I pray I knew how I could wish a wish to wish upon and wish a wish and wish to understand just why it is not acceptable just be me the neurodivergent, while most of you all enjoy being your boring old neurotypical selves? And I want better friendships and a stronger relationship.

I keep praying I learn fast enough how not to be so awkward. 

Thank God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost I Am Sober. I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.