Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word. Finite time sucks. Forever sucks unless forever were with her. 

Love is beautiful. I love her so very profoundly deep. She is beautiful.

I am forever grateful that we remain friends for whom I am still allowed to love and support her in whatever way she is most comfortable. To ensure she is safe is important for me because I simply love her that much.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world.