Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic. Reprinted From 2/9/17.

 November/December 2008 Issue 

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect
By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26

PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME ARTICLE LINK

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent 
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict 
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios 
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic.

Relearning My Thinking. Written Before I sent In My Second Round Of Questions. Quandary, Oh Quandary.

What is it that I need more to do I am trying.  Looking for employment is consuming. Apply apply applying myself to job after employment after career is exhausting especially when there are  continuously dry holes, not many calls for interviews and no employment. Except ridesharing for money, whoring my vehicle daily until it hits old age for rideshare and mandatory permanent bench-time for my 17 year old vehicle. Time is running out for me to earn money ridesharing and thereby my ability to earn money this way again.  

So I applied for a job at the same place as where My Lady applied, and for the same job not realizing there was/is only one position available. And so once realizing that only one position was open I sent my answers in for their second round of answers the place requested me to answer. Sent in my answers only half complete in order to be withdrawn from the competition by the prospective employer.  I didn't want to compete with My Lady, I only wanted to try and earn a job where she is already so able and qualified to earn and retain. I want to remain in her life and not compete with her rather to compliment her. 

Looking at 360° of views and really trying to see everything 

Trying only to listen to God's answers and not formulating nor composing answers on my own. Listening has been and is difficult for me sometimes. And for this I am truly attempting to listen to what God has to say. 

Do I stay put and not answer what may be an opportunity for us both? I am continuing to answer the place's detailed nine questions because the academic thought required to compose the answers is something I have desired for many years since my graduation from university in 2015. So I write and compose for a job I will probably not be applying for, to set and achieve a deadline and critically think about my life. 

Praying for God's direction on what how to proceed once I have composed my answers. Is this all an academic exercise, or is it too an application which could propel myself into a position and place where My Lady might be employed too at maybe a better position as the position I am composing answers for.

God help me listen and answer this quandary soon. 

God please keep our relationship geographically together and growing stronger together than either of us has ever know. Oh Lord, please hear my prayers.

Please read post from previous to this for better clarity, hopefully.

Sure As Shoot.

 After way way way too too much money spent in repairing my vehicle, it wouldn't start today. I am aghast with everything. I take three steps forward to get my life on for myself, and BAM I get knocked three quarters of a mile backwards. I am running out of money soon. I just want to work. My back injury has been healed by God. My pain went from 85% to 15% literally overnight. Prayers are answered. I don't know what I would have done if my pain had not alleviated as immediately. I begged God to take away my pain so that I could take care of myself and build myself stronger physically. and begged God at the same time to allow me to show my lady what I am really made of. That I am more than a lion. I am a lion of God.

Once again my vehicle is getting towed away to hopefully, prayerfully, be repaired so that I can earn money with it before I hit financial ruin. I am trying and keep failing. What a major drag and bummer. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am struck without a vehicle and without money to rent a vehicle. Up the old highway without a paddle or something like that. It's hard for me to find any humour because there is so little to find funny. My heart breaks too still that I cannot be my lady's husband, you see I love her in more than one way and too private to write here.

I have a job interview over the phone with a school in Florida which my lady has also applied to. One position. I thought there were two when I applied and was invited to answer a second round of questions. I answered the questions and also refused an offer to interview. They requested I interview with them anyway even given my hesitation that my best friend was far more qualified than was I and stated the reasons why she is far more qualified than am I. And they still wanted to interview me.  And if I get the job I will may never see the most beautiful woman in the world again. And I love her so much that my heart will break unrepairable. I just want to build a life together better than any either of us have ever know possible to exist. I love her that much.

Oh the challenges of this summer. I really want her to get the job as it is the dream job in education that she has always wanted and I believe really deserves.

And so I am competing for the one person on Earth that I would give my life for. Not good at all. I will interview anyway and do my best. I can after all always refuse the job.

I love myself that much to do my best. And I hate every minute of doing my best. She deserves the job. And she even encouraged me to interview. I want the very best for us both, in the same place on Earth. Who knows maybe we both get hired. 

And so I pray. I love her that much.

I Awoke Feeling Alone Today

 That I had to move on alone in life again. That the relationship we were building isn't forever and that the best team I have ever been honoured to be a member of, isn't anymore. 

That someday soon the opportunity of seeing and sharing time with the person I love so richly, freely, deeply, will be a memory of the greatest time in my life. Of course I want to be with her forever whatever forever is, however she never could promise me forever. So I prayed that God would answer my prayers that we could be forever. I mean He is God and this is so right and good why wouldn't he answer my earnest and honest prayer. It's purely for good so why wouldn't He answer my prayer to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world?

I awoke feeling alone today. Not as alone as I felt last year. I waited meeting women until I knew or could think I knew that their heart was pure. And I met my lady. And truly believed God had matched me with someone who would be my partner. Someone as much my best friend (she still is) and more. My wife.

Why get married at my old age? Someone who I can count on each minute of each day. Someone to be there for and to be there for me. Touch. Companionship. Hugs and kisses and all the growth of being forever whatever forever could be built by us to be happier than ever we had been. That's all. To awaken with my best friend daily and build better each day, that's what I think about getting married at my old age. To experience love and happiness and growth together under the same roof and in the same home sharing life and love the best we can and better more still.

I awoke feeling very alone today. Alone to carry on in life a far better man than ever I thought or prayed or ever dreamed that I could grow. But alone. Alone without her in my life in growing partnership and yes growing deeper together in marriage. That is what I most feel alone about today. That we are not going to be married. That I am not going to get to enjoy being married to the most wonderful wife in the world.

You see I love her that much, and I awoke feeling alone today. Cannot explain fully why. I just awoke feeling alone today. Sober thankfully. Alone unthankfully. 

I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love.

And I awoke feeling alone today accepting that there is no forever whatever forever is for us. And I am so very sad.

I love her that much. She is my best friend, her beauty from out to deeply within is exquisite. 

I awoke feeling alone today. Hollow that my prayers are not to be. I love her that much to want what she wants and forever whatever forever is, is not to be.

I will continue to make my way in life sober. I will continue to make my life without my dreams and prayers answered as to forever, although my dreams and prayers are answered as I have met the best friend I have ever known. I am just so very sad that I can not be her husband.

I am trying so hard to not see this as black and white, and see from the  middle. I just continue to see that I won't be her husband and I feel alone today.

Blessed and sober, and sad.

Hurt.

 Hurt throughout last night. Lower back and right hip. Up and down. Sleep and pain. Praying for Jesus' healing touch to relieve my physical pain. Praying Jesus's healing touch to help me understand on how normal men think. How those normal men stand as lions leading their relationship. (Remembering that lions protect the family of cubs and lionesses, while the lionesses are the predominate hunters and providers.) A leader whose back pain prevented me from working today. A lion who is not providing for his own domain. Not succeeding therefore... 

Precarious position right now. I have rent for this come month and a repaired vehicle I must use to earn money, and unable to have any ability to do so today. Pain to walk and pain to move. And to that end unceasingly praying that Sweet Jesus heals my injury enough so that I may work in the morning come what may be. Of course no thought of booze I mention since this is supposed to be a sobriety blog, right?

How can I be the Godly leader in any relationship much less the relationship with My Lady, when I have been unable to provide for myself since the first of June because of vehicle and lack of employment options?  How can I bee what she needs when I have not been able to make my way along this long long summer. Opportunities to work as I could for my best friend cleaning, downloading files, staffing her office were a blessing for us both.

I am trying so hard to succeed and yet I continue not getting it on how to truly succeed. I continue failing in so many of my sober life and yet I continue trying. Nothing is ever going to rob me of my ability to try until death. And try I will to succeed 1, professionally, 2, personally, 3, relationship-wise, because I will always care about succeeding in all else I attempt with as great a freedom and success as do I and have continued as I have with my sobriety. I am really trying to learn and succeed in all three. I really want to learn how to love better than now I know how.

Even as I type this I have been praying for the healing of my back and for My Lady. Praying to learn how better to love.

My Heart Is I Show Her This Love Always.

 

If My Lady and I were to have "Our Song"

 If My Lady and I were to have "Our Song" I still envision this as my song of heart as our song.

The sentiments speak deeply within my being.

Please click on the line below to launch the song.

Andrea Bocelli - Return to Love (Christmas Version)

Lyrics

Quand'è che spento il cuore?
Che ho smesso di sognare
Un nuovo amore?
Il dubbio dentro me
E ho smesso di sperare
Ma a un tratto, tu
Risvegli nel profondo
Un fuoco che mi accende

I'll return to love
And risk it all
Per regalarti un mondo
And I'll return to love
E resterò
Per costruire un sogno
One more time

Who cares about the past?
Who knows about tomorrow?
L'amore è adesso
And maybe this won't last
Maybe this moment's all we have
Let's find out

And though I'm still afraid
You're worth a leap of faith

I'll return to love
And risk it all
To see the world that we make
I'll return to love
And take the fall
As if my heart cannot break
One more time

Here and now
Up against the edge
Promise me you won't look down
Won't fall off the ledge
Take my hand and show me how to love again

And I'll return to love
And risk it all
Per regalarti il mondo
And I'll return to love
And take the fall
Per costruire ancora

One more time

I Do Not Feel Like I Am Doing It Right.

 I don't feel like I am being a good enough partner to my lady. Being in a deep caring relationship is quite new to me. I only know how to love as much as I feel, and as I have observed those married folks I observed to learn from positive loving relationships on how to care for one's partner. I only know how to love as I have relearned how to love especially since I have lived soberly. Especially since actively learning how to love another. Doing caring deeds, trying to relearn my thinking so it is always positive, and I fail many times. 

It is not that I do not want to become a better communicating man, it is that it is difficult for me to relearn my brains thinking patterns quickly enough. And I fail to change fast enough which leads to my frustration that I am not relearning quickly enough, that the most wonderful love I have experienced will fall away because of my failing how to relearn so much of my thinking needing relearning. 

Yes we are two in this relationship however I am talking about me doing my best and not failing. Failing is the word I use because if I have not succeeded then I have failed. I am trying to be far far less black and white. Another relearning I feel unsuccessful at yet, quickly enough. Learning how to meet her love needs is more difficult than I thought than I thought how to meet another's love needs; and this leaves me feeling there's lot's of opportunity for my development in learning how to successfully understand enough to be an awesome loving partner. 

So worrying that I am not enough is what's up. Keeping my head up that I can change fast enough, well enough to be be at least enough of a partner for my lady. And more on that as I am able to comprehend more of that on whatever forever is forever is for me.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.

And after so many blog posts posting the above line, please understand that I don't particularly care to always post "Thank.....I...…..At Last" at the end of each blog. Please anonymously post your pick of an ending line for some of my blogs.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely, Ima. S. A.

xo

Because It Is Still How I Feel About Her.

 As when I look upon her face.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. 

X.O. Ima Sober Alcoholic

Sometimes I Just Gotta Be Honest.

I have known the worse in love and relationships and now I have known the very best in a relationship and so I sent My Lady this text several day's ago. "I don't know yet if I want to love the way I love you, ever again."

And so I share with you now that at this point I do not know if I shall ever want to seek another relationship. Unless God literally places her in my lap like I believe God has placed my life with My Lady. Poof and I met the the answer to my years long prayers to meet a woman who is Godly and Christian, funny and spontaneous, a woman who enjoys each day of life, a woman who prays and reads scripture daily.

That woman is My Lady I believe. And I thank God daily we know each other.

Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.

I was nearing ETOH toxicity (in the disunity of my last drunkard 21 days, 7 years ago today) from my liver being unable to function properly and the build up of ammonia poisoning my mind. I was not living anymore at this point. I was surviving in the functionality of killing myself one milliliter at a time.

☦Now I'm Living this beautiful life and skid in from its amazingly awesome ride soberly and exclaim profound utterances of joy and wonderment about life, and too Living with liberation celebrating the beginning of and ending of each day soberly; and it is a beautiful wonderment I have God to Praise forever for; first here and then thank Him personally at my time of death still in the freedom of my sobriety.
Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.
Join me.

I Still Call Her Beautiful Sweetness,

Because she is.

She Is My Best Friend. Thank You My Readers For Putting Up With My Flurries Of Thought. You See I Am Dealing With All This The Healthiest Way I Can.

She has helped me understand myself like I have never know myself before. Understanding what my mind is doing while it thinks. What my mind can and should be doing. What I can and should be doing better. What I am capable of accomplishing. You see I love her for so many reasons.

Our relationship is a plateau right now from which we can admire all the beauty which fills our lives independently, and together. I love loving her and learning how to be a better me. You see she is that special and I have been blessed by God with introduction to know her and she puts up with who I am and loves me for who I am. And moved me in the direction of loving myself again better than I ever have.

Plateaus are beautiful. My Lady and I have been to the most beautiful plateau I have experienced. In Oklahoma too. Grand vistas of slopes and far away remnants of old mountains. I don't want to be anywhere else with anyone else. She's that special of a lady. And I am so ever grateful.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Thank God Almighty I Know My Lady. My bestest friend ever.

Je' Me' Souviens.

 I myself remember once when long ago and far away several different girlfriends tell me they needed to take a step back from our relationship, and my Neurodivergent Asppy brain went into overtime thought processing. Having learned so much about myself and also understanding myself better first and foremost from My Lady. Secondly watched "Big Bang Theory" with My Lady helps me identify my thinking better. Helps me identify my thought processing and how and what I need to change in the processing. And so being blessed with introduction to this incredible beautiful lady, I so don't want to repeat any of my mistakes from once upon a time in my younger years.  So different learning to process differently. So different and wonderful loving myself richly. So wonderful being friends with such a differently specially blessed wonderful loving rich human being. Okay so she's not perfect. However she is perfect in my eyes. The deepness of her soul richly blessed in love by God. How can I not love to continue sharing the words best friends. I love her that much. I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

I myself remember because of my neural differences and my recall abilities. I am remembering so many wonderful conversations, movies, texts, our bicycle ride, road trips, sharing about our lives. sharing our loves, fears........ I myself remember my mistakes; times when instead of making her life easier, I made it difficult, especially when my hormones were fluctuating so vastly with my losing weight.  I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

At this point I never want to love this way again. I am so sad. I will rise above in time I pray. Though I now understand the several men and woman who lost by whatever reason the one they loved and chose to remain single for their life's duration. My West Coast friend tried to tell me that I shouldn't date until I got my life in order. I thought my life was in order. I didn't realize she meant financially too. I don't have any security to offer another human let alone for myself. So how could I go into a relationship again knowing I only have love to offer, and that security is awesome however, it doesn't provide any living money. And so at this point I never want to love this way again. I myself remember her hand in mine. I remember laughter as we laughed together so many blessed times. And her laughter is magic to my soul. Her gaze my everything.

I will get over this I am sure. Though not sure how long for I feel sad right now.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Living And Loving Life.

Her gaze my everything.

I Awoke At 0437

 Friday, Saturday, Sunday and now Monday night falling asleep and awakening the next morning with soft slow warm tears drawing down my face. And now awakening like I did nine months ago. At least awakening and blogging this will not be read until My Beautiful Loving Best Friend has decided to whether she will be going East or staying here to find her heart's desire. This is a middle of the night blog so pardon my poor everything in writing this. I need to write out something so that I hopefully can go back to sleep soon. 

I am humbled that I know love this rich and deep and pure and I will always want what is best for her because I love her that much. I am blessed by God for knowing her for whatever time I am blessed.

I've learned with a CPAP that crying causes my nose to get stuffy and then I cannot breathe and use mu CPAP. So I hold inside my sorrow until I am so full that my tears flow slowly warmly from my eyes down my cheeks. You see I love her that much.

Well back to bed and hopefully back to sleep.

Letting go freely is such a sad sad emotion for me to experience, because you see I love her that much and I am Sad; And I Have Never Loved Anyone So Much As I Love The Most Beautiful Woman In The World That God Has Ever Created. I Love Her That Much. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Thank God Almighty He Introduced Me To Such An Incredibly Wonderful And Beautiful Human Being. Goodnight.

I Am Sad.

One More For Now. This Helps Me At Least. I Have Grown.

 I sure have grown these past nine months I have known My Lady. Firstly I have learned to love myself. And through this anew loving myself  I have learned to love another as I have never known how to love before. I have learned to love God, Jesus, The Holy Ghost more than I have ever loved them before. My Lady has taught me a deeper appreciation of the Bible than I have ever known before. She is such an incredible human being. Tops. How could I not love her. And love her enough to pray her journey to wherever is forever happy. And that we will always be best friends wherever forever she resides. For I now have learned how to truly love as I have never loved before. Deeply. Richly. Purely. Unconditionally. As the husband I have always prayed to be. I love loving her enough to desire the very bestest for her wherever her forever is to be. I sure have grown these past nine months that I have been blessed by God Himself to allow The Holy Ghost Mother to descend her blessings upon us both. And I thank Jesus Christ Himself that I have been Graced by the Trinity That I Am Sober At Last. Free From The Chains Which Bound Me Too Long.

 I sure have grown these past nine months I have known My Lady. Loving her is so very enriching. Not as enriching as sobriety. Leaning to love My Lady is so very soul deep wonderful. And I am forever grateful that God blessed humbled me to know such an incredible sweetly wonderful human being I shall love forever whatever forever shall be. She's that wonderful. I love her. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober To Feel Such Deeply Abiding Love From And For Another Human Being.

I'm Taking A Journey Through My Blog Reminding Myself The Joys I Have In My Living Life Soberly.

 With my memory I usually only need a mnemonic device to remember details.It is much more fun and healthy to remember the greatest of times, especially when you can share them with those you love. A look at an excerpt form the past.

"25 JUNE 2016

One Thing Remains.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, will only be a place just like any other. Until you share it with someone else.  

The joy of being in a particular place in time which is of beauty is an exquisite and profound realization.  Appreciation which runs so deeply in the soul and conscientiousness of this place encapsulates in our memory brightly.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, remains a place unlike any other, Until I share it with you.  Sobriety is this place for me."

Continuing this on 12 July 2021:

The joy of living in this time and place with My Lady is I shared my sobriety place and appreciation of how far and wide I love my living soberly. The child-like nature of enjoying living. She taught me how to live today and enjoy today and never take today for granted.

The joy of being in a particular place in time which is of beauty is an exquisite and profound realization. My appreciation runs so deeply in the soul and conscientiousness of the exquisite memories encapsulating my experiences of loving the most beautiful woman in the world.

The one thing I have learned is that the place of lve I experienced with her is unmatchable in my lifetime. This place of love remains and will forever remain a very special place so unlike any other. And I shared it with My Loving Lady. Our relationship is definitely the place for me. 

I am sad for my personal loss of my dating relationship. And I very happy that sobriety is the place for me always. And I will always love sobriety. I will always love My Lady. She is a blessing from God.

First Written 29 June 2016. And I Still Remember The Pain. I Still Celebrate The Joy Of Freedom From My Pains Of Practicing Alcoholism./

"I am scared that I will forget the pains I knew while drinking the further I remain sober.  There is a scar on my bicep of a burn from when I burned myself just a few weeks before I became a sober alcoholic.  Didn't even realize I'd burned myself until the next morning when I saw the seared flesh and suddenly remembered falling backwards when pulling the pan of baked chicken from the 425° oven and the pan hitting and searing me.  Sometimes when I want or need the memories returned, I lift my sleeve, look and remember, and then proudly thank God Almighty that I am living another day sober."

My Beautiful Lady drew a temporary tattoo over my burn scar several month's ago. It was a pretty scar for the first time ever. Made more beautiful from the love with which sshe sees me from.

Never To Judge As That Is For God.

 Never To Judge As That Is For God.

Never to judge as that is for God.

Always pray for their release.
Always pray for their freedom.
Freedom to own their lives again.

Free to live their lives soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, please be merciful to me.

Please always keep me free soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, you have been merciful to me.
Sober I am finally free.

Free to gain life and to know love
Oh God, you are merciful to me.

Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column.

 Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column. That way you can enjoy the same great reading as you do if you right now are following "The Forage" via the follow by email entry.

If this is not clear hopefully one of my regular readers who I know will 411 me please and I will respost with greater clarity.

Sad. Happy. Sober.

I haven't felt this sad since my mom died. Like a piece of me is missing. And yet I smile knowing we remain each other's best friend. Never have I loved a friend so purely, so givingly unconditionally. Open hands and all that but it's not easy peasey at all. Like I know I will go on, I am just sad right now. I have always prayed the absolute best for her and have striven to do the best in trying to give what she needs. I always prayed we would be married. I really prayed to God that I would be her husband.

Being once a waiter and now always trying to anticipate what she needs can be awkward and uncomfortable for her. My neurodivergent mind hasn't always picked up the ques to slow down my acts of that sort of giving.    I want to continue doing all I can to make her life better. I believe that is why we were introduced by God. Her soul is so beautiful, her heart so kind, her face so beautiful, her eyes rich amber, her hands the comfort of all her being.

You know when mom died I was already convicted to sobriety. Already had no desire to drink again. I knew there was a life to live that was far better than my alcoholic living had brought me to. Still do have the absolute mindset of sobriety. Like I don't even think about it. Not even when I am feeling so sad right now. My saddest day sober still beasts my best day as a practicing alcoholic.

And this too sadness will abate as My Best Friend will always be My Lady. And I too pray I will always be her Honey Bear. You see I love her so very much; much more than I ever thought I could understand what love is. And being Best Friends with My Lady is the best experience I have ever experienced in life. 

Yes I enjoy feeling the emotions I am feeling soberly. Not that I like the feelings, just that they are better now I am sober. Doesn't lesson my sad. It's just that I deeply appreciate feeling these feelings soberly. Doesn't change sad.

I have never known love. Truly deep love of myself and another. A woman who is what I had been praying for to meet for several years before we met. And my heart was swept away and my mind grounded and my soul deepened and my love so deepened and I have never known such love. I hope and pray I am as Godly of a friend without a dating relationship as I always have tried in our dating relationship. You see I have never know such another human being such as My Lady before.

Yes Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. I Have Never Known The Love I Know Sober That I Ever Did As A Drunk. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. 

Still Sad. 

Still Happy. 

Still Sober.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. 

Each

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, Never have been as bright, As since when my heart first discovered hers. Every voice I have heard, Has never been such serene song, As when my ears fill with her music. All the faces I have seen, Never sparked my totality so full of love, As when I look upon her face. And I am blessed yes. Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. And I am so ever very grateful. Amen. 

Some Explanations Of What Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome) is.

I really wish I was Neurotypical.

Recently I have posted how I am Neurodivergent so here is several links to explain,

Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent: What’s the Difference?

Neurodiversity

Neurotypical Neurodivergent dichotomy

And Asperger's,

Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome)

I received the following from Blogger. Please find another way to follow my blog than the widget at the top left of my blog.

I received the following from Blogger. Please find another way to follow my blog than the widget at the top left of my blog.

And message me how you follow my blog or tell me if you know me.

''You are receiving this information because your blog uses the FollowByEmail widget (Feedburner).

Recently, the Feedburner team released a system update announcement , that the email subscription service will be discontinued in July 2021.""

(((Correction Addition))) to today's: "I Feel As Though The Light Has Gone Out On My Life. For Now."

  """And since this is a sobriety blog, I've never felt like taking a drink of anything other than water. No inclination of fixing, find a solution at the end of the road inside at the bottom  of a bottle of booze. You see as much and more than I love My Lady, and you readers hopefully know I love her so much I will gladly give my life to save hers:(((added part which was forgotten

(((( I love sobriety even more than I love My Beautiful Lady.))) She is so supper wonderfully beautiful. (((And so is sobriety.)))

I Feel As Though The Light Has Gone Out On My Life. For Now.

 I have never known another human being for whom I feel a deeper connection with than My Lady.  Never had such a deep emotional attachment with another person's soul until now. I have never loved another (short of my child) human being ever.  And now she might move to the East Coast without me.  Pretty much work all day and recover at night and do so five days a week. My heart breaks for her. Needing the security of insurance and a regular paycheck. Needing security for the remainder of her working career. Needing calm and peace in her life. 

I want and desire her best for all of her life and I so desire also to continue to be part of her life for as long as God permits. And I am sad that this may not be. I desire the absolute best in and of life for her wherever she is. I shall always want to always be best friends with her. You see she is one of those special human beings one just doesn't get blessed with often in life to meet. And I met this beautiful creature of God. God blessed me to meet her and she me for a reason. Growth for us both certainly has been a deep constant for us both. Both of us blessing each other's life. 

I feel as though the light has gone out of my life, now that she might leave and I stay behind. She has to have what's best for her growth and wellbeing and strength and her health. I enjoy acts of service for her and have throughout our relationship. My way of contributing to the bestment of her life. Not betterment. Bestment. Good, Better. Best. So Bestment. 

Selfishly I never considered that staying here in my local would not be for long, now that when she left our relationship would continue with being the best friend in the World with her. My heart breaks at the thought of no longer being in a relationship and dances in delight that we are still each others best friends. Friendship is an awesome place for us to continue with and who knows on the bright side maybe our relationship with grow again anew and stronger than before.

I have to be hopeful. I drank when I had no feelings of hope. With My Lady I learned hope as I never knew that hope existed. I learned how to rethink once I accepted my Neurodivergent and Asperger's. I learned how to deeply love myself again. I learned for the first time in life how to love another human being as I have never loved another human being before in my life. I feel as though the light has gone out on my life. No dramatics. Just the facts. I have never felt this way sober before. The last relationship I had I was greatly relived that it was over and remembered that emotion from throughout life.

I have never felt like this way of sadness. The hollow loss. And gladness that My Lady wants to remain best friends delights my heart with twirls of delight. I love her as I never knew love existed. I feel fortunate God blessed me with introduction to such an awesome creation of a human being. She is beautiful in every way. I love her in every colour of emotion I have seen her express. And she has the most beautiful eyes to look upon, and she has the most beautiful laughter, and her smile is one in a Universe, And her kind tender heartedness is a treasure I behold each day I awaken praying for her, unceasing prayers for her throughout the day and falling asleep thanking God and praying to God to hold her and protect her and comfort her throughout her sleep. And I will still get to pray those prayers for God to protect My Loving Lady while asleep to protect and comfort and hold her with His heavenly arms, after spending 30, 45, 60 minutes massaging her legs and nerves and muscles to free them from MS's grasp. I won't get to bring her that comfort and relief if and when she leaves.  I love bringing peace to her life.

I sometimes feel her pains from my home while she is at her place 9 miles away without communications of any kind. Sometimes while I sleep I experience her different MS neuromuscular pains. Once I feel the different pains at different times, I'll describe them for her and she confirms what I felt was what she experiences. We don't talk about the particular types of contractions and pains until after I experience them and ask her about them.

I pray I may always receive those pains from her to then transfer on to God to take care of. You see I love her that much. I want to carry any and all of the burdens she is unable to do. I love her that much. She is my Blessing From God. He wanted us to meet I firmly believe. We are so much an awesome teams well yoked.

And so I feel as thought the light has gone out on my life for now. Who knows what the future holds. Who knows what blessings God will bestow upon us. You know I am praying that it is a blessing, the blessing of our relationship growing stronger and better and longer. I love this woman as I  have never experienced. Unceasingly. 

And since this is a sobriety blog, I've never felt like taking a drink of anything other than water. No inclination of fixing, find a solution at the end of the road inside at the bottom  of a bottle of booze. You see as much and more than I love My Lady, and you readers hopefully know I love her so much I will gladly give my life to save hers. She is so supper wonderfully beautiful. 

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.

And soberly right now I am feeling as though the light has gone out on my life.

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. Sober At Last And Free To Live.

Sober. Still Less Of A Man Than I Hoped Or Thought Or Prayed I'd Be As A Sober Man.

 Awesome celebrating my sobriety and all: and I am forever grateful.

Never thought about living while I was drinking myself into oblivion, only thought about dying. That I was not worthy of living. Now I never think about taking a drink and returning to a living Hell. Now I am forever grateful to be living a sober life. Never considered retirement while I was drinking, only wanted to be dead totally. as much as I felt dead inside. Never understood then why I never felt unworthy to be alive. Now I understand it was the turmoil from my youth in everyway. My dad only cared about leaving and being gay as I discovered as an adult. He was always concerned about how much we were costing him. Plus the two assaults and all the other normal doubts which occur during growing up under "normal" circumstances. 

I drank, drank, drank away my youth and any possibility of a career all the way into adulthood until I quit boozing and began living a sober life.  Drank, drank, drank my way right into near poverty. And near poverty is where I am at still now. Less of a man than other men who work and have worked into successful careers. A home, a car, vacations, you know a far better life than I have ever lived. A far better life than I will live through the conclusion of my life.  And nothing to offer My Lady. Nothing to offer what any real man could offer. A home, life insurance, medical, dental, vision, and all those insurances, and the insurance that I can make money enough to survive and thrive for me, for the two of us. 

So feeling less than a real man is real. I do not have any "insurance" to offer My Lady towards offering a life married together.  Throughout all of my feelings like this I remain convicted to my sobriety. I love being sober. I love each day without a cloud of booze interfering with my living.  But still I feel less than a real man. A man at this point condemned to a future of living in government housing. (After speaking with my former priest, he forgot to hang up, and being inquisitive I listened to his conversation with a woman he was spiritually guiding. His explained amongst other rumormongering how I am destine to government housing and a life of poverty because of................) Too many things to want to recall which would drag me down. So this is not only his opinion but mine; and the reality that I have nothing to offer My Lady except love. AND love doesn't put food on the table, doesn't pay the bills or put a roof over one's head.  Love doesn't buy insurance or bring financial stability to a relationship.

And so I have nothing to offer My Love other than love for right now. If she takes the job on the East Coast I don't know if I can find a job there. I've been applying for jobs there and here to almost no avail. Either my resume is bogus or I am not even considered for employment because of who knows why other than I have been applying to an average of 135 jobs weekly for weeks and have only had two interviews. So feeling less of a man re this too.

Maybe these last nine months of dating a true God-send of a human being as is my My Lady, has been to build both of us strong for us to move on without each other as stronger human beings. Certainly not how I have viewed this relationship as I so love this woman with whole heart and every fibre of my being. I have always striven to build the best relationship for our future.

And so I worry and fret to no avail. I apply for jobs here and where she might move. Her job would be with benefits, decent pay, holidays. I worry about her not being strong enough to stand for eight hours a day and hurting, and me not being there to do things to help her, and not being there to massage her muscles and nerves and give her lymph massages.  Maybe she won't need me. 

Anyway God decides is best for her I accept. I will try endlessly to be able to move to continue our relationship in one location, if God so chooses. Her best interest has always been my first goal. Making her life better has always been my first goal, and will always remain so whatever the future holds.

Still I am less of a man than I hoped or thought or prayed I'd be as a sober man. I have nothing to offer a relationship other than love. And love doesn't pay the bills. And I am working on reordering my brain, so please pray for me to be able to change at such an old age.

Quite an awakening these past months. Leaning to conquest my assaults. Learning to live with the mistakes of my lifetime when I didn't realize that I am Autistic with Asperger's. When I was like the characters of the  TV show "The Big Bang Theory." My mind remembers lots and lots of things. And I am remembering friendships, relationships, family, work situations, church, etc., where I now realize it is because I am different. I used to embrace being different. Now I am aghast to remember and realize my being different has caused so many failures in my life. I am working hard on integrating myself better than I have in the past thanks to My Lady.

Fuck it. I will not let this affect the awesome changes I have been effecting in my life. Mental changes about self worth, and can do it attitude. Physical changes in strengthening my body and endurance. I have made it through bad times and still love life. I especially love life now sober and I love living sober. I love living sober even now feeling less of a man than I hoped or thought or prayed I'd be as a sober man.

Since I met My Lady, I have enjoyed the nine best months of my life. I have thought better and lived better. I have prayed better and I have loved better. I have celebrated better and have learned more and better. My life is richer than I ever hoped or thought or prayed possible. I still pray that our relationship is until the end of time. What I call forever and married.

I may still feel less of a man than I hoped or though or prayed I'd be as a sober man; However I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. Sober At Last. Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly Whatever Life Shows. I Will Not Ever Go Back To Being A Drunk. Looking forward is far far better than what I once knew and acted upon.  Reordering my brain to accepting whatever may happen daily with thankfulness to God Almighty is far better for me. And I am doing the reordering of my brain in overtime I am telling all'you'all.

Before confirmation of my Asperger's, I knew I was Autistic although never had confirmation. Now I accept it as accepting something I cannot change. I cannot accept that our relationship will do any other thing than prosper; and that I will continue to do all I am  able to do to remain in building partnership with My Lady. God blessed me with meeting her and I am not willing to let either of them down.

I may still feel less of a man than I hoped or though or prayed I'd be as a sober man; However I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. Sober At Last. Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly Whatever Life Shows. 

I Will Not Ever Go Back To Being A Drunk. 

I Love Learning How To Think Anew.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

Sober At Last. 

Standing Proud And Happy Living Life Soberly,

Whatever Life Shows.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

P.S. I began tonight's blog feeling blue. I am doing better thank you. This blog helps me compose my thoughts better and now I know why.   I am an Autistic Asperger. Or whatever you want to call me. Just don't call me late for dinner. And don't call me Shirley.

I Am Sober Thank God Almighty. 

Sober At Last. 

Each Day

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen.

The WWW. My Deal. Life Of A Sober Alcoholic Who Is Neural-Divergent. 6 Years And 11 Months Sober Today.

 On the 18th of June there were 145 views of this blog. Usual traffic is around 5 or 6.         WOW I wonder where all the folks from France, Germany, The Netherlands, and The USA found my sobriety blog? July 1st there were 5 views also from those 4 countries.

Sure do hate it (and thankful) when memories come to the surface of my assaults. No amount of alcohol ever erased my recall, which was tucked back in the very recess of my memories. It is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness to shift or change the compounded affects from a lifetime of dodgeballing my way away from remembering recessed details.   BAM then recall and dealing with memories (especially remembering yesterday that 5 July was one assault day upon me). Definitely better now to remember and deal with my emotions now, rather than run away from the discomfort of them.  Better to heal and deal so that my relationship with My Lady, The Most Beautiful Woman In The World continues growing stronger (I worry about that).  Booze is not even in consideration. My release from the grasp of overdrinking and into death is complete. Although daily I work on it as all sober alcoholics should do, I am no longer the moth diving towards the flickering light of the alcoholic pounding down the booze candle.

I will be contacting a cousin of mine who chose to separate herself from the rest of the family: that Uncle's side of the family: and asking her if there were other children the Uncle abused? 

Living as a Neural-Divergent now that I know I am such and also an Asperger's person is profound. Realizing events from my past were caused in part and in full by the way my brain thinks SUCKS. Sucks big when I remember the jobs, friends, relationships, possible relationships that I lost or that never came to fruition. My Beautiful Girlfriend says my energy has been down for the past couple of months; and once she shared that, then I realized my mental attention has been working in overdrive to try and not make those mistakes again. My thinking causes me to do things which I think are kind and loving which turn out to be for the receiver to be quite the opposite.  Profoundly sucks that my Neural-Divergence and my Asperger's continues to affect my relationship. 

I spent many years not liking yes hating myself for who I was. Being different from everyone else has its real sucky moments. Being misunderstood and misunderstanding social "norms" and clues leads to sorrow for me sometimes even now.  Not being the man I am supposed to be is profound in the past, now, and in the future.  Not fitting in when I really thought I was trying and doing a great job of fitting in sucks.

I am sober today 6 years and 11 months today. I am grateful for today and my sobriety. I love life and living it without the burdens of practicing alcoholism.  Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Sober At Last To Live, Learn, Love without the practicing alcoholics impediments.  Never as in this Neural-Divergent Asperger person will never drink alcohol again.  My worse day sober is always better than my best day as a practicing alcoholic.