Sad. Happy. Sober.

I haven't felt this sad since my mom died. Like a piece of me is missing. And yet I smile knowing we remain each other's best friend. Never have I loved a friend so purely, so givingly unconditionally. Open hands and all that but it's not easy peasey at all. Like I know I will go on, I am just sad right now. I have always prayed the absolute best for her and have striven to do the best in trying to give what she needs. I always prayed we would be married. I really prayed to God that I would be her husband.

Being once a waiter and now always trying to anticipate what she needs can be awkward and uncomfortable for her. My neurodivergent mind hasn't always picked up the ques to slow down my acts of that sort of giving.    I want to continue doing all I can to make her life better. I believe that is why we were introduced by God. Her soul is so beautiful, her heart so kind, her face so beautiful, her eyes rich amber, her hands the comfort of all her being.

You know when mom died I was already convicted to sobriety. Already had no desire to drink again. I knew there was a life to live that was far better than my alcoholic living had brought me to. Still do have the absolute mindset of sobriety. Like I don't even think about it. Not even when I am feeling so sad right now. My saddest day sober still beasts my best day as a practicing alcoholic.

And this too sadness will abate as My Best Friend will always be My Lady. And I too pray I will always be her Honey Bear. You see I love her so very much; much more than I ever thought I could understand what love is. And being Best Friends with My Lady is the best experience I have ever experienced in life. 

Yes I enjoy feeling the emotions I am feeling soberly. Not that I like the feelings, just that they are better now I am sober. Doesn't lesson my sad. It's just that I deeply appreciate feeling these feelings soberly. Doesn't change sad.

I have never known love. Truly deep love of myself and another. A woman who is what I had been praying for to meet for several years before we met. And my heart was swept away and my mind grounded and my soul deepened and my love so deepened and I have never known such love. I hope and pray I am as Godly of a friend without a dating relationship as I always have tried in our dating relationship. You see I have never know such another human being such as My Lady before.

Yes Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. I Have Never Known The Love I Know Sober That I Ever Did As A Drunk. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. 

Still Sad. 

Still Happy. 

Still Sober.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.