Went to bed by about 10pm. awoke with runnies at 0600 exhausted. Went potty several times and fell back asleep dizzy. I am dizzy now. No other signs or symptoms. Just tired and dizzy. Eight 8 hours of sleep followed by another two hours of sleep and I am wrung out. I feel physically as though a cloud is in my brain. Although I clearly can think, it is as though a fog is clouding my day throughout my mind. I do not have the expounding energy that I have experienced the past few days.
I only took 25mg of diphenhydramine, yesterday in the last 4 hours of being awake. NO ETOH AND I MEAN NONE. Ate a little breakfast and no lunch and a dinner Norman brought over which was from the food bank which was a 3 pound food service bag of prepared frozen chicken/beef taco meat. Tomatoes, an apple. 1/2 gallon of water. GABA I took at 8pm not 4 because of sadness I forgot ond was thinking and blogging. Subling under the tongue drops of one on time. Coffee extruda late and off timing by 2 hours and only took X2 dose not X3.
I feel F'd up. Like I am wasted which really sucks because I need to earn money towards everything thereby necessitating I drive rideshare and make money God Help me. Lack of sleep; lack of money; doubt of what will eventually happen ultimately with Sweetness and I , even though God's got my worry I keep taking it back to carry myself. No doubt, just real concern for My Love's wellbeing. I want to be there for her to assist in all manners as I have done since we met for her and now she has to do these tasks which I can do better for her to help her strengthen her life.
By this time in my blogging over the past couple of weeks, I am energized at this point on the blog page. I am not today. I still feel really F'd Up still. Concerned yes. I am praying I do not get worse before my appoint with Dr. Sweetness. No I am not going to bother her. She has more important patients to see. I will do fine eventually I am praying while driving and lift from the fog wrapping my thoughts with a cloud. I can think ok although my head feels like it is wrapped inside with gauze. Concerned yes however there is nothing to do but pray I get better throughout today and definitely before Thursday at 1000 AM when my appointment with her is. She definitely doesn't need the worry of me right now. She's got enough shit on her plate without me bothering her. I will get through this myself just as I have done before.
Pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my ass working without excuse. Nobody is going to help me except me. Only person I can count on. usually. is me. If I don't get'er done nobody will do it for me. Besides I do not want My Love to be concerned neither do I wish or want her to think I am a schlep and just seeking attention to see her. I am not. I don't feel normal right now, whatever normal is for me.
And I gave her my word which means infinitely lots to me. I gave her my word I will not bother her. I am in line to see her like every other patient of hers. I respect her deeply and I def don't want her to think I am seeking attention. And now I am really glad My Love doesn't read my blog. I will deal with this myself without adding strain and worry to her day. I am praying a beginning resolution comes my way beginning with my Thursday doctors visit. And I appreciate any friends who read this knowing it is me to remain silent out of respect for My Love and me. Her plate is full.
Please pray for me. Tomorrow is my 6 years and 5 month anniversary. Hopefully USA's civil war doesn't begin tomorrow. I promised I will remain close enough to My Love to support and protect her as long as possible. I sure wish she would accept my $1000 dollars cash or credit card loan to fix her broken tooth. I am so worried about her inner strength right now since concerns of how she looks fill her head right now. She is beautiful tome. I have never known a more beautiful woman in my life.
Well time to stop writing and hit the road. Ain't nobody gonna do it for me. And what good am I as a potential spouse when I have no potential. So on I drive.
I still feel as I have described above without change due to my blogging. I can think clearly, just with the feeling that the outside of my dura matter is wrapped about between it and my skull. Got to get it done and make money. Please pray for my health and wellbeing to grow strong again. Thank you and peace.
Thank God I Am Sober. Sober and free from my addiction. Thank God Almighty Indeed for I am forever grateful for my sobriety. Gotta be well enough to celebrate my 6 and 5 anniversary tomorrow. Actually I will go on the little pre-sunrise hike regardless of how I feel. It is my anniversary and I will keep my plans even if I feel like sheet tomorrow morning too. I am sober now and forever, and if'n God choses my life to end tomorrow on my hike that I am soberly celebrating my anniversary the second best way I know how because of circumstances being what they are, then so be it. At least I was sober and living life the best I could. Oh boy now I have a headache. Day is only getting better. Time will tell how well I am.
Sobriety is awesome. My sadness I pray abates into acceptance soon for I am sad. I am tired. But F-ing A regardless I am sober and that really is all that really matters at my ending. It is what it is.
Thank God I Am Sober At Last. Amen.
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