Some mess I am. Haven't slept but 6 hours or so in almost two days. I mean I lay down to sleep with 75mg diphenhydramine onboard along with the three different sublingual meds. My cat tucked up under my arm and poof. almost asleep and my mind began remembering her laughter. He smile and those beautiful dimples. Oh and her laughter which lights up a whole room with fun. And she has a funny sense of humour and her eyes sparkle sometimes when she sees beautiful things. And her voice so beautiful to me ears. And I lay they in bed with my CPAP on, sleeping aides taken, cat sleeping under my arm for more than and hour and a half and I am wide awake having only gone to sleep for several minutes. And then I began remembering sights of us watching several sunsets together. And oh how her laughter is so beautiful to my ear. Sharing our two favorite movies together. And my heart races when we embrace. And by the way when we embrace our hearts beat together. And her quiet prayers so beautifully strong and yet gentle, just like she is. All the while my tears flowed from my eyes down my cheeks and into my ears. And then thinking about her beautiful resounding laughter and I smiled. Stopped the tears took off my CPAP, took to my keyboard and began writing this blog. And by the way I really can sense her emotions even when she is miles away. I feel connected deeply however is she? Does she remember me with the same dreamy fondness? Will I ever be important enough for her to marry or am I just dreaming while I am really awake?
Well thank God I am convicted sober coz this heart tearing emotional stuff stone cold sober is absolutely tearing my heart up. And even dry eyed my heart cries. I miss dancing with her already. I will do as she asks and give her room. And oh how I miss our nightly prayers already. I'm missing smelling her neck and remembering her deeply in my olfactory region.
I will be on point for My Love. If our future together is in doubt, it will be through no actions of mine. I love her unconditionally and I will support her needs because I love her. Time will tell if we are truly to be us, or if we never really were more than in my head and in my heart. Time will tell, however it still is what it is.
And I will always love her unconditionally. Will it be as friends or as married friends.
Time will tell. Tho I miss her already, I keep assuring myself maybe time will tell me and be good in its telling. Oh I am praying.
Good thing I didn't ask her to marry me on New Years Eve or there would be no chance of us ever being us again. And yet time will still tell.
Well thank God I am sober but I am also so sad I cannot sleep and God help me I need to. I cannot sit and do nothing. I must arise and begin the new day soon.
After all I will probably only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I am scared when I fall asleep anymore because I know there will be no good sleep for me. It is what it is.
I so deeply love Sweetness I hurt at not being able to communicate with her and hear her voice and laughter. I may be sober however. I am sad too. Sober. Sad. Happy she wants our friendship to remain so time will tell
Still doesn't change my hurting missing near fearing the possibility that we will never be we. Time the sly one will do tell in due time. And I am praying God's wisdom shine upon us both. Amen.
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