Just How I Am Feeling Right Now. I Will Soar Again Soon.

Alone, unneeded and unwanted by anyone right now. 

I've felt alone before. Alone as I feel right now.

Thank God I am sober. My sobriety is mine and I celebrate it daily.  No-one ever asks me how my sobriety is going? It goes quite nicely thank you.

I love life and living it, I am just feeling alone and unwanted by humans right now.

I love taking images of beautiful things and I am surviving right now by taking beautiful images, and sharing them with people I know. Makes my heart feel good sharing beauty with others.

I feel like I am always strong for others, whether or not these are actually real feelings that I am being strong for others.

I really pray and hope and pray that I am strong for others.

I miss having friends who ask me how I am doing way deep down inside.  I have always had to be my best friend. Fuuuing neurodivergence. Fuuuing awkwardness. Fuuuing sadness right now. 

I will overcome these feelings. I always do soberly. I love my sobriety. I love life, I am just down right now and will climb back up. I always do.

I will get over these feelings just as I have before. God and Jesus and The Holy Ghost Mother always take care of me. And sometimes my guardian angel Uriel, I am aware of is standing beside me, sometimes holding me. 

I miss being held and hugged. I miss feeling like I am loved by anyone else besides myself. I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling wanted. I will feel good again soon.

===>>>>Archangel Uriel is known as the angel of wisdom. He shines the light of God's truth into the darkness of confusion. Uriel means “God is my light” or "fire of God."

So I am not alone except here. I have legions of Heavenly Guardians watching over me wanting and needing me.

And thank God Almighty I am sober.

KEEPING THIS SOBRIETY BLOG REAL. THIS IS ONLY HOW I FEEL NOW. I WILL SOAR AGAIN WITH EAGLES SOON.

My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word. Finite time sucks. Forever sucks unless forever were with her. 

Love is beautiful. I love her so very profoundly deep. She is beautiful.

I am forever grateful that we remain friends for whom I am still allowed to love and support her in whatever way she is most comfortable. To ensure she is safe is important for me because I simply love her that much.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly I love My Lady. I am forever grateful that I love My Lady as much as I do. I never fully understood the depth of which loss of hope to be with someone forever can reach until now. I feel such great loss right now.

Should I still call her My Lady when she will never really be My Lady? You see my mind is learning from all of this and I need to learn more greatly. You see I love her beyond description using what I believe is my expansive vocabulary. My heart breaks greatly as I now understand why she could not promise me forever. I thought I needed to earn the status of forever; not that there truly will be no forever for us. I still want and need to call her My Lady as I have always prayed to meet and know and date a woman as wonderfully beautiful in every aspect as My Lady.

She's the best friend I have ever known. My heart is sad. She's a lady and she's my best friend however she's not My Lady anymore than there is a forever for us. I am torn. How much affection should I show her without making her uncomfortable. Do I continue to share with her how much I love her? Do I continue to express Gvgeyuhi (That I love her so greatly that I will give my life to save hers>) Or do I quietly slow down on sharing with her how great my love is for her, so as to not make her feel awkward. You see what is easy for some gets overplayed in my mind with doubt. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. I want always to be able to express to her how much I love her. I want to until she meets someone who can provide her with all of that of which I cannot, like financial security.

I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

My love is so great for My Lady I will carry her in my heart and mind and soul forever. 

If there really is such a thing as a Soulmate, I have met mine and enjoyed life to the fullest.

Time for me to remember the love we share forever.

Time for me to move myself mentally into a new place in my mind and being and soul.

Time for me to remain single for my life's duration. I just don't want to lose at this depth again. I am not afraid to love again. I have only love to offer and that is not enough to proceed in life with any woman much less My Lady.

I will continue on in life alone as I do not want to hurt like my who being is breaking ever again forever.

Thank god almighty I Am Sober. I Am sober At Last And Loving Sobriety For Seven Years Now. 

I am grateful to experience all that I have experienced with My Lady.

I remain sad that I will not be living soberly forever with My Lady.

Thank you for reading this and I might write again when never becomes now again.

I feel so lost right now.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her. 

Neurotypical VS Neurodivergent. 2 Days Till 7 Years.

 If I could wish a wish it would be to wish I wish I knew how to immediately be accepted for who I am instead of having to conform to what all the neurotypical expect. Doubting myself about how I am acting and whether or not it is acceptable? Just being me in time and space and the day only to realize how I thought everything went wasn't necessarily that way. Go figure. Go figure? If I could wish a wish to wish upon it would be to wish a wish and wish to understand just why I cannot just be me?

Sober doesn't make this any easier for me to understand how not to be me and how to conform and watch what I am saying afraid that I may offend by just thinking and being me and how God made me. Yes I realize that is one heck of a bad run on sentence however I liked the stream of consciousness writing there so I went with it and since I am Neurodivergent and this is my blog and I can get away with being different here I am just going to plain plane plane write as I see right. Got to get out of wishing.

Wishing doesn't work. 

Praying silently and listening that is more like it. When I talk with God I ask of Him nothing for myself. You see if I ask nothing for myself and everything for others then He will bless me. He has protected me throughout my life, even in the stupidest of my times. So I pray for others. Until now. Because now I keep praying to God to make me understand what it is like to be like how most everyone else is being neurotypical. I used to personally celebrate the fact that I was different than most other people. Now I pray God along with all else I pray for others, to now help me understand enough how for me to be like most others that I blend in and don't offend. 

I love myself and accept myself for who I am. I just wish everybody in the world accepted everybody for who they are. I mean I am sober and against all odds I will be 7 years sober in a day and a half.  I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am learning to look forward and not backwards. Forwards to what I do not know and towards what I do not know. And so loving My Lady. And learning to be a better man. A better sober man than I am now. And still I pray I knew how I could wish a wish to wish upon and wish a wish and wish to understand just why it is not acceptable just be me the neurodivergent, while most of you all enjoy being your boring old neurotypical selves? And I want better friendships and a stronger relationship.

I keep praying I learn fast enough how not to be so awkward. 

Thank God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost I Am Sober. I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic. Reprinted From 2/9/17.

 November/December 2008 Issue 

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect
By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26

PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME ARTICLE LINK

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent 
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict 
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios 
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic.

Sure As Shoot.

 After way way way too too much money spent in repairing my vehicle, it wouldn't start today. I am aghast with everything. I take three steps forward to get my life on for myself, and BAM I get knocked three quarters of a mile backwards. I am running out of money soon. I just want to work. My back injury has been healed by God. My pain went from 85% to 15% literally overnight. Prayers are answered. I don't know what I would have done if my pain had not alleviated as immediately. I begged God to take away my pain so that I could take care of myself and build myself stronger physically. and begged God at the same time to allow me to show my lady what I am really made of. That I am more than a lion. I am a lion of God.

Once again my vehicle is getting towed away to hopefully, prayerfully, be repaired so that I can earn money with it before I hit financial ruin. I am trying and keep failing. What a major drag and bummer. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am struck without a vehicle and without money to rent a vehicle. Up the old highway without a paddle or something like that. It's hard for me to find any humour because there is so little to find funny. My heart breaks too still that I cannot be my lady's husband, you see I love her in more than one way and too private to write here.

I have a job interview over the phone with a school in Florida which my lady has also applied to. One position. I thought there were two when I applied and was invited to answer a second round of questions. I answered the questions and also refused an offer to interview. They requested I interview with them anyway even given my hesitation that my best friend was far more qualified than was I and stated the reasons why she is far more qualified than am I. And they still wanted to interview me.  And if I get the job I will may never see the most beautiful woman in the world again. And I love her so much that my heart will break unrepairable. I just want to build a life together better than any either of us have ever know possible to exist. I love her that much.

Oh the challenges of this summer. I really want her to get the job as it is the dream job in education that she has always wanted and I believe really deserves.

And so I am competing for the one person on Earth that I would give my life for. Not good at all. I will interview anyway and do my best. I can after all always refuse the job.

I love myself that much to do my best. And I hate every minute of doing my best. She deserves the job. And she even encouraged me to interview. I want the very best for us both, in the same place on Earth. Who knows maybe we both get hired. 

And so I pray. I love her that much.

I Awoke Feeling Alone Today

 That I had to move on alone in life again. That the relationship we were building isn't forever and that the best team I have ever been honoured to be a member of, isn't anymore. 

That someday soon the opportunity of seeing and sharing time with the person I love so richly, freely, deeply, will be a memory of the greatest time in my life. Of course I want to be with her forever whatever forever is, however she never could promise me forever. So I prayed that God would answer my prayers that we could be forever. I mean He is God and this is so right and good why wouldn't he answer my earnest and honest prayer. It's purely for good so why wouldn't He answer my prayer to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world?

I awoke feeling alone today. Not as alone as I felt last year. I waited meeting women until I knew or could think I knew that their heart was pure. And I met my lady. And truly believed God had matched me with someone who would be my partner. Someone as much my best friend (she still is) and more. My wife.

Why get married at my old age? Someone who I can count on each minute of each day. Someone to be there for and to be there for me. Touch. Companionship. Hugs and kisses and all the growth of being forever whatever forever could be built by us to be happier than ever we had been. That's all. To awaken with my best friend daily and build better each day, that's what I think about getting married at my old age. To experience love and happiness and growth together under the same roof and in the same home sharing life and love the best we can and better more still.

I awoke feeling very alone today. Alone to carry on in life a far better man than ever I thought or prayed or ever dreamed that I could grow. But alone. Alone without her in my life in growing partnership and yes growing deeper together in marriage. That is what I most feel alone about today. That we are not going to be married. That I am not going to get to enjoy being married to the most wonderful wife in the world.

You see I love her that much, and I awoke feeling alone today. Cannot explain fully why. I just awoke feeling alone today. Sober thankfully. Alone unthankfully. 

I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love.

And I awoke feeling alone today accepting that there is no forever whatever forever is for us. And I am so very sad.

I love her that much. She is my best friend, her beauty from out to deeply within is exquisite. 

I awoke feeling alone today. Hollow that my prayers are not to be. I love her that much to want what she wants and forever whatever forever is, is not to be.

I will continue to make my way in life sober. I will continue to make my life without my dreams and prayers answered as to forever, although my dreams and prayers are answered as I have met the best friend I have ever known. I am just so very sad that I can not be her husband.

I am trying so hard to not see this as black and white, and see from the  middle. I just continue to see that I won't be her husband and I feel alone today.

Blessed and sober, and sad.

Hurt.

 Hurt throughout last night. Lower back and right hip. Up and down. Sleep and pain. Praying for Jesus' healing touch to relieve my physical pain. Praying Jesus's healing touch to help me understand on how normal men think. How those normal men stand as lions leading their relationship. (Remembering that lions protect the family of cubs and lionesses, while the lionesses are the predominate hunters and providers.) A leader whose back pain prevented me from working today. A lion who is not providing for his own domain. Not succeeding therefore... 

Precarious position right now. I have rent for this come month and a repaired vehicle I must use to earn money, and unable to have any ability to do so today. Pain to walk and pain to move. And to that end unceasingly praying that Sweet Jesus heals my injury enough so that I may work in the morning come what may be. Of course no thought of booze I mention since this is supposed to be a sobriety blog, right?

How can I be the Godly leader in any relationship much less the relationship with My Lady, when I have been unable to provide for myself since the first of June because of vehicle and lack of employment options?  How can I bee what she needs when I have not been able to make my way along this long long summer. Opportunities to work as I could for my best friend cleaning, downloading files, staffing her office were a blessing for us both.

I am trying so hard to succeed and yet I continue not getting it on how to truly succeed. I continue failing in so many of my sober life and yet I continue trying. Nothing is ever going to rob me of my ability to try until death. And try I will to succeed 1, professionally, 2, personally, 3, relationship-wise, because I will always care about succeeding in all else I attempt with as great a freedom and success as do I and have continued as I have with my sobriety. I am really trying to learn and succeed in all three. I really want to learn how to love better than now I know how.

Even as I type this I have been praying for the healing of my back and for My Lady. Praying to learn how better to love.

My Heart Is I Show Her This Love Always.

 

Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.

I was nearing ETOH toxicity (in the disunity of my last drunkard 21 days, 7 years ago today) from my liver being unable to function properly and the build up of ammonia poisoning my mind. I was not living anymore at this point. I was surviving in the functionality of killing myself one milliliter at a time.

☦Now I'm Living this beautiful life and skid in from its amazingly awesome ride soberly and exclaim profound utterances of joy and wonderment about life, and too Living with liberation celebrating the beginning of and ending of each day soberly; and it is a beautiful wonderment I have God to Praise forever for; first here and then thank Him personally at my time of death still in the freedom of my sobriety.
Join me and live in your life unfettered by one milliliter at a time daily too.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.
Join me.

I Awoke At 0437

 Friday, Saturday, Sunday and now Monday night falling asleep and awakening the next morning with soft slow warm tears drawing down my face. And now awakening like I did nine months ago. At least awakening and blogging this will not be read until My Beautiful Loving Best Friend has decided to whether she will be going East or staying here to find her heart's desire. This is a middle of the night blog so pardon my poor everything in writing this. I need to write out something so that I hopefully can go back to sleep soon. 

I am humbled that I know love this rich and deep and pure and I will always want what is best for her because I love her that much. I am blessed by God for knowing her for whatever time I am blessed.

I've learned with a CPAP that crying causes my nose to get stuffy and then I cannot breathe and use mu CPAP. So I hold inside my sorrow until I am so full that my tears flow slowly warmly from my eyes down my cheeks. You see I love her that much.

Well back to bed and hopefully back to sleep.

 

I Am Sad.

I'm Taking A Journey Through My Blog Reminding Myself The Joys I Have In My Living Life Soberly.

 With my memory I usually only need a mnemonic device to remember details. It is much more fun and healthy to remember the greatest of times, especially when you can share them with those you love. A look at an excerpt form the past.

"25 JUNE 2016

One Thing Remains.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, will only be a place just like any other. Until you share it with someone else.  

The joy of being in a particular place in time which is of beauty is an exquisite and profound realization.  Appreciation which runs so deeply in the soul and conscientiousness of this place encapsulates in our memory brightly.

The one thing that I've learned is that a place, no matter how far and beautiful it is, remains a place unlike any other, Until I share it with you.  Sobriety is this place for me."

Continuing this on 12 July 2021:

First Written 29 June 2016. And I Still Remember The Pain. I Still Celebrate The Joy Of Freedom From My Pains Of Practicing Alcoholism./

"I am scared that I will forget the pains I knew while drinking the further I remain sober.  There is a scar on my bicep of a burn from when I burned myself just a few weeks before I became a sober alcoholic.  Didn't even realize I'd burned myself until the next morning when I saw the seared flesh and suddenly remembered falling backwards when pulling the pan of baked chicken from the 425° oven and the pan hitting and searing me.  Sometimes when I want or need the memories returned, I lift my sleeve, look and remember, and then proudly thank God Almighty that I am living another day sober."

My Beautiful Lady drew a temporary tattoo over my burn scar several month's ago. It was a pretty scar for the first time ever. Made more beautiful from the love with which sshe sees me from.

Never To Judge As That Is For God.

 Never To Judge As That Is For God.

Never to judge as that is for God.

Always pray for their release.
Always pray for their freedom.
Freedom to own their lives again.

Free to live their lives soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, please be merciful to me.

Please always keep me free soberly.

On bended knee I always pray,
Oh God, you have been merciful to me.
Sober I am finally free.

Free to gain life and to know love
Oh God, you are merciful to me.

Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column.

 Since the follow by email link is going defunct, Please use the follow tab which is in the upper right of the top left column. That way you can enjoy the same great reading as you do if you right now are following "The Forage" via the follow by email entry.

If this is not clear hopefully one of my regular readers who I know will 411 me please and I will respost with greater clarity.

Some Explanations Of What Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome) is.

I really wish I was Neurotypical.

Recently I have posted how I am Neurodivergent so here is several links to explain,

Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent: What’s the Difference?

Neurodiversity

Neurotypical Neurodivergent dichotomy

And Asperger's,

Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome)

Each Day

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen.

The WWW. My Deal. Life Of A Sober Alcoholic Who Is Neural-Divergent. 6 Years And 11 Months Sober Today.

 On the 18th of June there were 145 views of this blog. Usual traffic is around 5 or 6.         WOW I wonder where all the folks from France, Germany, The Netherlands, and The USA found my sobriety blog? July 1st there were 5 views also from those 4 countries.

Sure do hate it (and thankful) when memories come to the surface of my assaults. No amount of alcohol ever erased my recall, which was tucked back in the very recess of my memories. It is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness to shift or change the compounded affects from a lifetime of dodgeballing my way away from remembering recessed details.   BAM then recall and dealing with memories (especially remembering yesterday that 5 July was one assault day upon me). Definitely better now to remember and deal with my emotions now, rather than run away from the discomfort of them.  Better to heal and deal so that my relationship with My Lady, The Most Beautiful Woman In The World continues growing stronger (I worry about that).  Booze is not even in consideration. My release from the grasp of overdrinking and into death is complete. Although daily I work on it as all sober alcoholics should do, I am no longer the moth diving towards the flickering light of the alcoholic pounding down the booze candle.

I will be contacting a cousin of mine who chose to separate herself from the rest of the family: that Uncle's side of the family: and asking her if there were other children the Uncle abused? 

Living as a Neural-Divergent now that I know I am such and also an Asperger's person is profound. Realizing events from my past were caused in part and in full by the way my brain thinks SUCKS. Sucks big when I remember the jobs, friends, relationships, possible relationships that I lost or that never came to fruition. My Beautiful Girlfriend says my energy has been down for the past couple of months; and once she shared that, then I realized my mental attention has been working in overdrive to try and not make those mistakes again. My thinking causes me to do things which I think are kind and loving which turn out to be for the receiver to be quite the opposite.  Profoundly sucks that my Neural-Divergence and my Asperger's continues to affect my relationship. 

I spent many years not liking yes hating myself for who I was. Being different from everyone else has its real sucky moments. Being misunderstood and misunderstanding social "norms" and clues leads to sorrow for me sometimes even now.  Not being the man I am supposed to be is profound in the past, now, and in the future.  Not fitting in when I really thought I was trying and doing a great job of fitting in sucks.

I am sober today 6 years and 11 months today. I am grateful for today and my sobriety. I love life and living it without the burdens of practicing alcoholism.  Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Sober At Last To Live, Learn, Love without the practicing alcoholics impediments.  Never as in this Neural-Divergent Asperger person will never drink alcohol again.  My worse day sober is always better than my best day as a practicing alcoholic.

First Request I Have Received.

 I am actually quite flattered that my spiritual leader asked me when I was going to blog again.

Well I've been learning to recall the assaults committed against me as a youth. Quite tough actually. Thankfully My Dearest has been helping through my memory recall. She is teaching me how to be a better me than I have ever been. Her strength in psychology, physiology, naturopathy, etc., has been a great help. Her knowledge of philosophy and biblical studies has helped me grow stronger than I have ever been. She helped me identify that what I had suspected for years was indeed that I have Asperger's and that I am neurodivergent.

Awesome to finally understand as to why I am so different compared to most other folks. I am actually quite happy to be different. However My Dearest introduced me to "Big Bang Theory" and boy howdy Sheldon and the other characters are sometimes like me. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Free At Last From Booze.

Honestly and not to be glib, I just don't ever think about booze, much less think about drinking booze again.

7 Years free this come 6 August.

Thanks Mike for the inspiration to ketchup lol.

Feeling Enough Is Like Not Enough.

 Spending so many years drinking my life away also means I drank my lifetime earnings ability down my gullet too.  Always have struggled with that those thoughts since I sobered up. My last relationship with Agent X, who really enjoyed putting my financial inabilities down and forefront, helps keep in my recalls forefront my inability to even meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that somebody who can meet her needs would come along with an offer better than me. Yes insecurities.

Please pray I get more job offers and especially a real job. Maybe a more secure one.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Walking on Earth sure is awesomely better than when once upon a time when I actually lay beneath the floor of hell peering up drunk.

I AM TELLING YOU WHAT, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM SOBER AT LAST. 

And one way or another I will continue attempting to meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Trying

 I am not perfect

I try to be as perfect as possible

I fail sometimes

I am not perfect

I keep trying

Minute by minute

Day by day

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

Even tho I am not perfect

I fail sometime

However that's okay

I am not perfect

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will succeed 

Because I keep trying

And I will Keep Trying

Ya Know, It's Still My 80 Month Sobriety Anniversary.

 Ya know it's tough unlearning things I learned and or drank away from remembering why I respond to certain things certain ways. Both from repressed memory of my two childhood assaults, and from unlearning responses learned from may years of living in the household of my dad's. Totalitarian to say the least. Absolute on good days.  I had to unlearn those behaviours first while still drinking and after two failed marriages, and then after sobering up. Tough realizations to say the least. And now in the absolutely purest relationship I have experienced in life I am still struggling unlearning old behaviours and responses. Figured out Easter on the way home that my expectation for a holiday has been shaped from dad, both ex-wives who were like my dad, and my most recent and first sober relationship. So boy did I do a big fail in my response with a conversational shift from awesome to a relationship difficulty. I post this for to example that even when things are difficult for me in my relationship, I am growing forward free from any mental encumbrances. Difficult for me to transition and scary to imagine losing this relationship.  My personal growth up and away from conditioned responses from once upon a time a long long time ago. 

So I am sad and scared that I will not make the grade and rise better, rise good enough to continue building a relationship with My Lady.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober And Free To Live.

HAPPY 80 MONTHS SOBER ANNIVERARY TO ME.

Scary A. F.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Usually food which has been cooked with some wine or flavored liquor has not given me any issues.

Easter dinner was awesome. My Lady fixed perfect pork loin, lamb chops, roasted carrots, asparagus and Portobello mushroom risotto, mashed potatoes, fruit tarts.....And sent home leftovers for me to enjoy afterwards.

When I got home I wanted something to eat before bed. Sooooooooooo I ate almost 2 cups of the asparagus, Portobello mushroom risotto. I had the back of the throat taste and smell of wine. I felt like I had drank some wine after eating the risotto. (I am very sensitive to alcohol as I fortunately/unfortunately discovered 5 December 2018 when I was mistakenly served a bloody Mary and not a virgin bloody Mary)  Scared THE SHIT NEAR OUT OF ME. I threw out all of the risotto. My girlfriend worked so hard and long to create the risotto. I am so sorry I didn't realize sooner that I might have an issue with eating food prepared with wine/booze and 

Whether the taste triggered a conditioned response, or I really did feel the alcohol and it had not properly cooked off,

I have to do my due diligence better. I just have to ask My Lady in the future what has wine/ethanol cooked into it so I am able to avoid the booze in the future. Scared the shit out of me that I enjoyed the risotto so much until I wondered if the booze flavor in it was also an attractant to me. Hated throwing away food however I will never drink booze again, and had to remove it.

Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. And Now I Had Better Watch What I Eat.

Rewritten For You My Lady. Each Sunrise and Sunset.

 

Each Sunrise and Sunset

Each Sunrise and Sunset have I known before in life, 

Never were they as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered Yours My Lady. 

Every voice I have heard,

Has never been such a serene song,

As when my ears fill with your musical lovely voice My Lady.

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon your face My Dearest. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting you,

My Loving Lady. 

And I am so ever very grateful.

For forever whatever our forever is forever to be forever.

My heart is yours My Lady. Forever.

GOD IS GREAT.

 My Beautiful Lady is healed.

Faith is amazing.

No cancer is the best sound EVER!

By God The Father, God The Son, And God The Mother Holy Ghost, My Dearest Loving Lady Has Been Healed.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. For Forever Whatever Forever Is, So Help Me God I Am Sober Forever Whatever Forever Is. Sobriety Is The Only Way For Me. Forever!

And I Pray To God For My Love's Healing.

 And I Pray To God For My Love's Healing.

If'n You'd Told Me Of My Growth, I'd've Laughed Aloud Just Two Months Ago.

 11 weeks today, of being blessed by God with knowing my Dearest Love. 

5 days until my 6 year and 6 month sobriety anniversary. 

Staying sober is for me. Nobody could influence me but me to remain sober. It was me finally being tired of looking up from under the floor of Hell and seeing all the other folks in Hell walking around above me. Just could NOT take another day as a fricking drunk.  Was easy to quit actually. Had to move forward. Did not know what I faced ahead, I just internally knew I could not continue trying to sustain life as a fricking drunk. My life so I may call it as I see it. I just knew there was something better than falling into Hell nightly. I still do not understand white knuckled sobriety. Met a gentleman who after four years of sobriety, still struggles with the demons of his addictions.  I am so blessedly glad that I am free at last from my drunken stupor having nearly drank myself to death. And then I quit. No AA or Celebrate Recovery. And definitely no treatment center. Just sick to nearly honest death of drinking to near death nightly. The emotional up and down of addiction tired me near to death.  And God's blessing of keeping me free and clear from buying any booze after my initial adios to drinking alcohol. 

Through both parent's deaths my first four months of sobriety and I never ever thought of any return to Hell and under.  Just remaining sober. And then right after my 6 year and 9 month sobriety anniversary, God blessed me. I honestly prayed deeply to God for a woman who is a Christian, who is ready for a relationship and that I was able to be the man for the woman He chose to bless me with. And I met My Dearest Love. Her determination in life is to be in a relationship with me but only if I never drink. Now since I never quit drinking for anyone except me, binding myself to my deepest word upon my heart to God that I never break; and never will. I can not ever return to under the floor of Hell. I am in heaven and closer to God than I have ever been. And Then He blesses me to meet My Dearest Sweetness. And grow unto myself tenfold of what I personally was ever able to grow. And My Dearest Love is such a tender loving woman who cares deeply for my growth and much as I car for hers. Personally I know that I am here writing this a way deeper thinking and caring man than I have ever been. And my expression of love to My Love is by acts of love. To vacuum her home's carpet. (And My Love noted to me that I vacuumed her bathroom throw carpets. I explained that I didn't cut corners in our relationship and I wasn't going to cut corners by not vacuuming All of her home.) You know loving and kind and tender tasks to make her life better. In anything I can do for her to build for her a better life. Learning how better provide for her in all ways. This also builds me a better human than I ever was. And And And this brings my heart soaring greater within my chest to such a welling of joy that we have been blessed by God with each other.

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. And Growing Deeper. Thank God Almighty.

I Am So Vain

 All my deep prayers of healing for My Love, and vainly I presume my life is forever. I could be killed while driving a rideshare passenger and leave Sweetness without me here for her.  I will die twice if God does not allow me to be her St. Michael and defend her against all evil.

No one. Nobody. Will ever hurt My Love while I stand with her. I have been relearning some hits and bunches and pen stabs for I will die defending My Love. And I am not joking. Violence is NOT me however and I do add a qualifier, I will aggressively violently attack anyone who is an emanate threat with what I have learned in life to prevent another attack....of violence...which was perpetuated upon me by Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas.  His attack on me in college leaves me with a gradually increasing nerve damage which I am constantly overcoming by auxiliary usage of that hand to shoulder. God help me if I ever see Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas in a crosswalk because I WILL RUN THE MO FO DOWN AT HIGH SPEED.

And that is why through my life sense then I have gone to the aid of those who are in need of assistance. More than a dozen college students who lived on my dorm floor watched as (DR Mengele now) twisted my left arm so far behind my back that my fingers touched my head. No need to explain the guy who now is a pastor of a large church in OKC, constricting my wrist with a belt and stretching me out the opposite way cruciform. And the humiliation of nobody coming to my aid. AND THE COLLEGE AND LOCAL POLICE DOING NOTHING BUT DEFERING HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY WRESTLING COACH FOR PUNNISHMENT.  THIS SUBHUMAN BEAT UP MANY PEOPLE AND WAS A DATE RAPIEST AS I LATER RESEARCHED AND REALIZED.

AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN EVER.

And I am so vain as to believe I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I will forever whatever forever is be there to defend and protect My Loving Sweetness. 

I am so vain though that is what I ask from God.

Ain't ever happening again.

Ain't ever happening again.

I mean this is a sobriety blog from a sober alcoholic.

Well what can I write about my sobriety other than it is going awesomely. Haven't wanted any alcohol since about week two or three of my first month of sobriety.

I just don't get folks, alcoholics who ritualistically continue to say on one hand I want to be sober, while on or rather in the other hand is another glass of whatever poison going inside to kill themselves.

Quit is quit. Or another fuuking excuse to drink another glass of poison.

On the other hand is my former spiritual leader. Our church had literally died down to he and I after my mom died 6 years ago. And out of honour and my need to maintain a certain normalcy, we continued to meet in my home after mom died. 

And Pastor X would drink. And his drinking became a noticeable problem to me sometime about seven months ago. I began doubling back on his vehicle when he left my home after church and lunch. He would say he was going home. I would watch his vehicle pass from my observation place headed in the opposite direction and back to his favorite pub.

And then there were the past several years of his sounding impaired and sometimes intoxicated. And then 4 weeks ago I needed a ride after popping my tire. He answered and sounded impaired. I challenged him. He said he wasn't impaired. I missed a call from him 45 minutes later while still at my breakdown site. His message when I listened to it was from an obviously very intoxicated man. The tow truck driver said he would drive me home. I called my friend and told him I had a ride home.

The next day I sent him a text message with his intoxicated voice message attached.

And I have not heard from him since.

After over ten 10 years as my pastor

He has ghosted me

And because I do not want to live responsible for any deaths he may cause while drinking and driving

I called his family. 

An 83 year old man should not be alone to drink and drive intoxicated. His family is stepping in to control him.

I could not stand by and be responsible for an old drunk killing anyone. 

And that's how the church my mom once attended has now ended. I will not attend a church where the pastor is not in control of their alcohol consumption.

I Live With Regrets In Life No More.

 I have lived with regrets in life before

I shall no more.

This love I feel

Is real

Deeply

Real.

With Open Arms I Dance With My Love

the child in me doesn't ever want to let go of such a magnificent woman

My prayers and dreams are to slowly grow to better know the true depths of the most wonderful woman I have even grown to know.

the child in me kicks and screams and cries NO

i have just begun to know this amazing treasure

i never knew existed on this planet

and i cannot imagine not getting to grow and know

More.

The man I am, a Christian knows I am here for my love

To be the man she needs

And deserves

For my love is unconditional

And I am tied to her heart

And as a Christian I know it will be God's will

And whatever forever is 

I am honoured God chose me

To know the most precious human I have ever known

And I am ready for forever whatever forever really is

Standing with her in partnership

For us and her

For whatever she needs most 

Is ultimately 

What too I want most for her

For I love her unconditionally

Enough to give her back to God

If he deems my all too brief time with her

Is all the time I get

My sorrow still is for her

My tears still fall for her dreams

My tears still fall for her family.

So Praise God Almighty.

I am not going down sorrows trail

For that is Not the way of the Lord

And His pathway for us I celebrate

Because I refuse to believe anything else

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away

And so I pray. 

I pray. 

I pray.

I pray.

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away.

And she is made whole.

And so I pray

I pray

I pray

I pray

Sometimes There Are Prayers. Sometimes There Are Tears. But It's Still Always God's Will...

 Sometimes There Are Prayers,

Sometimes There Are Tears,

Sometimes There Is Acceptance,

But It's Still Always God's Will..

And my Dearest Love is the most special wonderful woman I have ever been graced by God with introduction. And I just want to pray away all her afflictions and watch her stand healed. And my love for her family knows the same boundless energy. And my love for My Loving Sweetness knows boundless energy. And she deserves love. And she deserves strength. And she deserves her dreams. And My Love for My Love is deep. And I just pray and pray and pray all day for her health to be whole. And my praying is unceasing. And I accept what is to be forever whatever forever is. My Love Is So Deep. My Love Is So Deep For My Love. And I weep for her before Jesus' feet to be healed. And I pray thank God almighty I am sober at last. Oh Jesus please allow My Love to be healed at last too.

Sometimes there are prayers. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is acceptance. But there is still always God's will.  Oh please Jesus, allow My Love to be healed too.

Being Better. Man. Christian. Partner. Human.

 I am not weak. I am human. I've pulled from my toenails deep to pull my emotional security up to snuff. I have grown as a Christian, a man, a partner to who I need to be. For me, for God, and for My Love. (Note: I don't use my girlfriend's name for privacy reasons, so I do get gushy about how I describe her in place of her name. My prerogative as blog writer lol.) The changes I made for My Sweetness, were and are necessary for my growth as a Christian and My Love's partner. My changes were and are necessary towards me being a more stable individual; unlike so many of my earned behaviours throughout my life. Between my reactions and whatever attitude from my assaults', and my alcoholism, and whatever I was never diagnosed with; I needed to become a more stable individual away from my lifelong patterns of behaviours and reactionary living. If I had not experienced such growth as an individual in all ways, I simply would not have grown so closely with the woman I love so closely, and continue to draw more closely with.

So I am here for My Love for as long as forever is to be forever for us. I love so deeply. My depth of love embraces me so warmly. My expression of how to better express my love for My Dearest Friend, is near the only way I can truly express my love for My Love. So daily I  attempt to build her a foundation from love, to support her best as I can. And I sure am not willing to surrender her to anyone but God. But God did Grace us together.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.

Thank God Almighty I Have Returned To Love.

I Dearly Love My Dearest Love.

Oh God Please Be Merciful To Her.

Blessed To Be Who I Am For My Love.

At this time in her life My Love needs me to be the emotionally strong man I am. I am her human rock now for I love her so deeply. My care for her so deep within my being. My desire for her happiness greater than for my own. I could not have ever been the man I am any other way than sober. Incredible living love so deep. So deeply. Such joy. 

My Joy. God so Graced me with the amazing woman I love. I will consider none other spot to be than at My Sweetest Love's side for as long as forever long I may be there at her side. 

My place is to be always at her side, for as long as for long as forever long we can be beside one to another. 

Our place I pray is together forever long as forever long God grants us to be. For as long as My Dear Love needs and wants me to be there for her. 

I want and pray and desire what is best for My Loving Sweetness forever, however forever long is to be.

I love her so deeply tears well up in my eyes, my core trembles happily, and I always thank God He introduced me to an amazingly, awesomely, fantastically, wonderfully human being whom I love beyond what I thought I could ever love another human being.

Whatever forever is going to be with My Loving Sweetness, is blessings from God.

Thank God Almighty I am sober and sharing my life with such an amazingly incredible woman and the woman I love, My Best Friend Ever.

i just pray i could hug her all better. I pray my prayers answered.

 yup:(

cancer sucks so badly

i am so very sad my girlfriend is sad

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better

I Pray Unceasingly For Her Healing.

I pray my prayers answered.

i am sad

I am at peace that if God chooses her return,

That Sweetness will be home and at peace.

I will miss her so very much that I pray instead,

And refuse to acknowledge the worse.

I pray my prayers answered.

And dance in delight that my prayers have been answered,

And Jesus has thrown away the cancer and made her whole.

And I continue to pray. And pray. Unceasingly. I pray my prayers answered.

cancer sucks so badly

scary mean beast

i am sad

and she

And we are at peace either way.

And time will tell.

And time will tell.

And dance in delight that I have said the word only. And she has said the word only.

i am so very sad for my girlfriend.

i just pray i could hug her all better.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

And I pray. And I pray.

And I pray she is healed.

I pray my prayers answered.

And cancer still sucks.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better.

I pray my prayers answered.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. Please strike that evil devil's rebuke from her body and heal her whole and clean from any cancerous affliction. OH PLEASE GOD ALMIGHTY. Not now that we each have found happiness from true deep love. And her children who need her loving shepherding. Especially one child of hers. And she finally has a career as a doctor which she has always wanted to attain. And she finally has built a life she has always has wanted to earn; and is earning her long sweat. Dear God she has so much to give to life. She has so much to live for. I am so sad for My Dearest Love. I can feel her distant sadness. Oh how I hurt for her. I feel her tears. I keep praying to God to continue allowing me to carry her whatever she needs. Whether her sadness, pain, worry, whatever troubles are burdening her, I ask God to continue allowing me to feel and experience and carry her burden for. I am so grateful God allows me to carry her pains and emotional burdens. He is answering my prayers for her. That I carry as much as I am able for her. I pray she feels the sweet loving embrace of Jesus every night she lays to sleep. I pray her pains alleviate for tender rest.

She needs me most now to carry her fears and sorrows and I am honoured as I do. And more for whatever God blesses me to carry for her for I am healed and able to resume carrying her burdens. And honoured and blessed I am able to do so.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

And I am sad because CANCER SUCKS CANCER SUCKS CANCER SUCKS. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober However now amount of serenity praying will make cancer anything else but SUCKING. CANCER SUCKS. And no amount of praying The Serenity Prayer, will ever change the fact that CANCER SUCKS.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

As when I look upon her face.

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. Ima Sober Alcoholic

Communication. I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time.

 We are suitably matched. We communicated.  Communication is key. We are closer still. Time will tell. As I grow closer to Jesus, too I grow to love myself, and too grow learning how to better love My Love. God blessed me with his precious gift Sweetness, and where my treasure is, also is my heart. What a beautiful relationship we are building. I am blessed.

Thank You God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Thank God Almighty two awesome amazing and imperfect people such as the two of us, did meet someone capable of loving the other unconditionally. 

I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Prayer Works. Learning Patience. Learning Love.

 Emotional stability.  Thoughtfulness of others and too myself. Always others first. My prayers were for emotional stability and too of self love. Too much in my life had lead me to believe that I did not deserve to be loved and so my life had shown so until 6 August 2014. Learning to truly love myself albeit began with sobering up to conviction of sobriety has been a road. A road which lead me upward and then down upon my knees looking down and then up. Learning to love myself began an amazing growth inwardly and outwardly 16 November 2020 when I met The Most Amazing woman I have ever met. Incredibly  intelligent, quick to laugh and witty as wonderfully witty can be. Incredible dimples and a smile which catches my insides aglow. Just to look at her face makes my breath change and my heart calm. Her energy is so positive and her Christianity is an inspiration and constant reminder that I can do better. Better for Him, myself, and for my love. 

Learning confidence in loving myself, and learning confidence that I am truly worthy of the love being shown to me, is such an amazing gift from God. And learning even more greatly how to return love as it is needed and accepted. Humbling for me to think I know so much and yet realizing that I am so unknowledgeable about how to love.  Humbling that such an amazing woman as with whom is sharing building a relationship with me. Humbling that I have not learned how to love myself and love myself better in order to be building an incredible relationship as we are. Humbling that God chose me for her. Indeed for where my treasure is, there also is my heart. My heart goes with her always, for I love her as deeply as the Bible teaches.

Learning patience has its rewards. 

The more the better for my love I shall try and support always her needs as I support mine also: with the love of God.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Originally Published Here 9 July 2016. Ima Sober Alcoholic. Renamed to: The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet. How will you arise and make your greet?

Original name: "A Lifetime Share.

Et tu?"

It is now named:

___________________________

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I have had my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Believe me when I say this because, I thought myself a connoisseur. 

There are many types of liquor flavors,

I attempted to try them all because of the flavor.

True the flavor; true it is alcohol too.

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you,

Each and everyone of you deserves your lifetime portion of this potion.

Will you also fail your survey of flavors and varieties of liquor just like I did?

And do you believe wrongly or rightly so that unlike me

Alcohol will never become your foe?

Or will it has it already become so?

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

It is not that we choose to breathe or for our heart to beat,

It is though how we choose to live our life,

Which will lead us to our victories.

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol,

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you.

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Et tu?

Ima Sober Alcoholic