Day minus one of sobriety was another day of drinking without abandon. There was still a little more than a third of a 1.75 litre bottle of my now former best friend vodka remaining. Inexpensive of course since it's cheap and my consumption was up to 600 milliliters in a three hour period daily.
This vodka drowning period of course came after work, classes, study and writing papers at home.
How else could I justify that I was not an alcoholic? I was getting up, albeit still drunk, going to work, classes, studying, enjoying the mid-day sobering up and hang-over, writing papers, and with a strong G.P.A. I was an honors student.
I wasn't an alcoholic I told myself. I was being responsible getting done with what needed to get down before my wasteland began.
Furthering my lie to myself, I had become isolated from friends, family, and society by virtue of drinking at home. Please understand that I believed that since I didn't drink and drive I was responsible . My subverted pickled logic reasoned wrongly.
Day minus one of sobriety as I was readying for bed and was sitting on its edge, I was holding the almost empty 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. So many times over so many years I had prayed to God begging Him to help me get sober and quit drinking.
He kept answering although I was not hearing him telling me to make the jump and that he would catch me and then help me with my walk.
5 August 2012 I swigged the last of the vodka, even though I was probably close to toxicity and death. My reasoning was since I was quitting, I needed to get rid of the rest of my vodka.
I had jumped into the realm of sobriety bloody well massively intoxicated.
6 August 2014- Day one of sobriety was easy (Not) since my body was thoroughly still poisoned from the previous night. I still needed to go to work. I had already fallen down far enough to have blown off my summer classes which I needed to get forgiveness from the Dean for one and withdrawal from the other. Mr. Responsible Drinker and college student's life had finally crashed into the abyss of alcoholic hell.
Not buying alcohol, nor drinking any alcohol became my goal for that and every subsequent day thereafter, because the road in hell from my alcoholism was no longer a road I could tolerate.
Not to mention besides all of the other bodily signs which I ignored, my splenetic region frequently felt as though Lucifer himself was knifing it with a searing blade.
My desire to graduate successfully was so darned more important than another thrown away minute of not living life.
Day two of sobriety began my days becoming one's with no attention, no memory abilities, and no sleep.
Days three through ten there was more of the same.
Day eleven of sobriety I began my fall 2014 semester to conclude my junior year as a full time non-traditional college student.
Then throw in my dad's diagnosis with terminal cancer in September, and my car being totaled by a woman stoned on Valium and Restoril the same month. Dad died October of 2014.
Mom's cancer (which she had been fighting for ten months), took a turn for the worse in the beginning of November 2014. Then Mom died December 2014 (43 days after Dad), on the Friday before final's week (also called "Dead Week). Mom also died the day before my forth month of sobriety.
And there was more conflict of course with dynamic effects too.
My friends told me I was making excuses about my not having time to attend A.A., or Celebrate Recovery.
I just did not have the time to attend.
I did however desire equally to remain sober,
And graduate with my bachelor's degree.
I was my only accountability partner.
I simply did not have the time to attend any meetings.
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