Profound Impact. Valid & Invalid- Reasons v. Excuses. It Is What It Is.

Should've.
Would've.
Could've.

I should have stopped drinking sooner than I did.  I couldn't.  I didn't.  I didn't until I had really hit what for me was the bottom.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I didn't have a valid reason, only invalid reason's to continue drinking.  I stopped drinking alcohol once I accepted that my excuses for consuming alcohol had no valid reason anymore.  My life was a walk in hell which I ceased walking through when I ceased drinking.  Profound impacts happened in my life for which I had no blame nor fault, such as the two assaults against me during my youth: by an adult relative, and a dentist while I was under gas.  Being raised in an environment in which I did not feel safe enough to share with my father or mother did not help.  Being five years old and then eight and from a home environment where obedience was best, I carried with me the profound impact, both valid and invalid with reason and excuse for my later repression and drinking.

******(For me finally releasing my feelings of guilt re: my assaults is Awesome.  It is a release for me that I was not responsible for at least these actions against me in my life that is immeasurable.  Accountability for what I am responsible for is right.  Release from the wrongful actions placed upon me by others is liberating.  Acceptance of my wrongs done to others and myself is liberating also.  Accepting what I cannot change and what I can has been liberating for me at so many different personal levels.  I feel "safe" making this declaration here as I am sort of anonymous and this is my forum and I am legally accountable for the content here.  It is what it is.)******(A socially upline friend of mine spoke publicly of his assault by a male relative at the Oklahoma Responsible Father Initiative Conference several years ago and I envisioned a day when I could do so also.  Here I am doing so now.  And yet the little boy in me is still afraid.   It is what it is.  I walk on now with my head held high.  I am victorious.  I am sober.)******

And too every failure, feeling of failure, feelings of inferiority, reinforced by P.E. teachers, school nurses, teachers, and bullies (until H.S. began) at school.  I had no feeling of safety while young; the cradle of alcohol felt soothing by my sophomore year of high school when I began developing liquor stores to personally purchase hard liquor from.  Dad knew of my purchases at the liquor stores when I placed wine in his wine rack.  The restaurant where my high school soccer coach was chef, I was allowed one beer an hour for a total of two beers as a high school junior and senior.
Throw in I didn't recognize I had P.T.S.D. from eight years of working as an I.C.U. Tech.  Not having insurance nor sick or vacation time when I injured my back (while a waiter) ten years ago and suffered nerve pain, had the profound impact, both valid and invalid with the reasons and excuses needed by me to continue my excessive drinking.  My drinking became its own profound impact with its own valid and invalid reasons and excuses.
My ex-mother-in-law apologised to me last month for the umpteenth time in years; for her daughter causing parent-alienation syndrome (click=>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_alienation_syndrome) since 1998 (Her daughter, my ex-wife, hasn't spoken to her mother in almost a decade.)  My alcoholism did have profound impact upon my relationship with my child, although I do not know what nor how as of yet.  My child is yet to want and begin any open dialogue or begin any relationship building.  I pray I will live long enough to enjoy the experience.
I await the building time prayerfully optimistic.
My priest councils me that the relationship building will take time.
My child's time.
Alas.
I should have stopped drinking sooner.
I couldn't.
I didn't.
I didn't until I really hit my bottom.
Until I couldn't take it anymore.
Until I didn't have a valid reason to continue drinking.
Until only invalid reason's remained why I should continue drinking.
Until I stopped drinking alcohol.
Until I accepted my excuses for consuming alcohol
had no valid reason anymore.

My life is an awesome walk now.
An awesome walk now.
Somethings I had, have had, now have, always have had control of.
Somethings I never did, never have, never would, never will.
For the things I had control over, I have control of,
I happily accept responsibility for.
For what is mine I accept ownership of.
Did.
Done.

For the things I never had control over,
"It is what it is."
For everything else,
"It is what it is."

I am victorious in life.
I am sober.
Did.
Done.