Maybe I Will Walk The PCT. If I Do Not Try Then I Have Failed Before I Began.

Check out my other blog associated with my name and you will read about my plans for walking the PCT.

If I succeed then I succeed.
If I try and fail then I will have tried.
If I never try then I will have fail without trying.
Once again it comes down to money. Ugh.

Ya Know? Sometimes What People Say Is Nothing But Just Plum Flum-diddle.

I write this here because I quit without any group of any kind.
This is my dealing with it.
Please read at your own risk.

23 January 1995 is a day which I remember the same as my daughter's Godfather, my ex-sister-in-law, and my ex-mom-in-law were told by my ex-wife. If what they were told is the same as what happened, then anything else is just plum flum-diddle.

Truth is on this day around ten P.M. back in 1995 my first ex-wife and I were having a verbal argument. She was sitting on our couch. I stood up in front of her, placed a hand on either shoulder, and did not allow her to stand up for less than a minute. Wrong yes. Oh yes wrong. Unfortunately for me, my ex-wife now tells that story as I was choking her with both of my hands around her throat. Her mom and sister told me she did not have any marks around her neck while she was telling them the next day about what had happened.

Yes I did not allow her to stand up by placing a hand on either of her shoulders as reported to three reliable people by my ex-wife. That which I did was never-the-less wrong.

This even was one of those "big events of regret" which aided my excuse making as I drown myself through the years with alcohol. I simply did not do what I am accused and I want there to be one statement of fact representing what happened on that day 23 January 1995.

This event has never been brought in any manner in any report in any court at any time by my ex-wife.

Oh Boy am I ever so grateful day by day by day for remaining sober.
Although I drank myself near to death; it actually does get easier for me because I am so ever grateful I broke free into sobriety.
I remain sober.
I will remain sober.
Period.

If It's Not One Thing, It's Always Been Another. Living.

2003 in Colorado Springs...

After having to file court documents for the ninth summer in a row in order to exercise my daughter’s right for visitation with me, we were able to go on the first of our three year’s in a row of visit’s in Colorado Springs for my birthday.

After seventeen hour’s on three different bus’s we arrived at Garden of the God’s campground and our camper-cabin I had pre-reserved three weeks earlier.  We settled in and went to sleep exhausted around ten o’clock that night.

That night, our first night there and at about 02:00 in the morning with both my daughter and I sound asleep; there was a pounding at our cabin door. We were immediately awakened. My daughter was frightened.  Immediately I arose, went to the door, and standing there asked who was there?  Immediately the response was, “POLICE. I’m not kidding. Open the door now”. 

My first thought was “what the Truck has my daughter’s mom done now?” I immediately opened the cabin door. The officer asked if we were from Oklahoma? I said yes. He replied that the police department had received a phone call from Oklahoma which had reported that our cabin was producing METH. I asked if he was kidding? He said no. I explained I was there with my daughter for my birthday.  He sniffed at our door like a hound dog, then thanked us and left.

That’s just one of dozen’s and dozen's of things my ex-wife has done over past nineteen years.

I may have been perfecting the practicing of my alcoholism while we were married however, the action’s shown by her before, during and after our marriage have Never been warranted. My first ex-wife told her mom and sister years ago when she found out that I was re-marrying she was going to continue making my and now also my new wife’s life a living hell. For my second wife’s and my six-month wedding anniversary my second wife (at the time) sought and received an emergency protective order from a Tulsa County Court judge.  My second wife, now second ex-wife explained her leaving as being 75% because of my first ex-wife, and 25% because of me.  Yuppers. For my second wife, life had become a living hell from which she chose to escape.

I am so much more than a sober alcoholic. I am multi-textural. I am sober, hear me roar.

Not even the deep sorrows I feel from my daughter explaining to me during the Amtrak trip I shared with her 2010 to San Antonio, Texas, that she does not like me. She even shared with me again before our 8767 mile around the United States “to beat all our other trips” Amtrak journey to 24 states in 2015, that she does not like me. Even her not liking me to the point of not loving me will I ever return to practicing alcoholism. 

I enjoy train travel. I set a goal years ago, to take my daughter to all of the Amtrak states. That is also a part of who I am. I had to complete that goal of mine as much as I was allowed to.

I guess she does not even love me now since I’ve received no contact via mail, email, text, or phone call from her since August 2016.  

Even through this deep emotion of my daughter’s removal from me, 

I will not Ever return to practicing alcoholism. 

I am so much more than my alcoholism.

I have always been so much more than any kind of alcoholic practicing. 

I am multi-textural. 

One thing about me is that I am sober. 

There is so much more about me than my conquering my addiction.

I am a sober human hear me roar; 

about me there is so much more.

Gimme a chance.

You Never Know Just How Much You've Lost Until You Sober Up Realizing It's All Been Gone For Awhile.

I never knew how much I was loosing and lost until I sobered up.
Then what I thought I had was not.
Even for what I have lost I have now gained so much and will never return.
I am sober today now and always.
What has happened I can never change.
I will only remain sober and develop growth towards new experience's living sober.
Learning sober.
Thinking sober.
It is with sobriety that I shall continue to grow and live.
It is with return to alcohol that I will die.
I will die and I cannot change that.
I will control that I will die sober.
Amen.

You Just Never Know Do You Now? It Is What It Is. She Dumped My Cats In The Countryside.

Twenty six years ago at the end of next month.
I was soon moving into a duplex with my fiance. It was eight month's before our wedding. We were joining our lives together. I moved my fifty and twenty-nine gallon fish tanks into our new home along with my two house-cats of several years named Smokey and Whisp.
Smokey was a stripped light multi-grey male and extremely smart.
Whisp was a dark grey stripped male and dumb as a box of rocks poor dear.
Both of them were also neutered.

About 7 April 1991, two months after we moved in together, I arrived home to find the back door to our home wide open. I entered our duplex to find that although things were thrown all around, there was nothing stolen or missing. Well, because of the back door being open I surmised my cat's had escaped. By the time the police had arrived I had already spoken to our duplex neighbors. We shared a common driveway and backyard. They told me only that they had seen a dark blue Dodge or Chevy van in our driveway and that maybe my fiance would know something more about the episode which had occurred. I asked my fiance. She said she knew nothing more. Our neighbor's Tim and Jill never spoke with my future and then wife again for the duration of the four years of our sharing opposite duplex sides.

Why do I share this you ask? Well during my prayers and meditation on Christmas Day I remembered October 2000 I was blessed with making peace with my ex-mother-in-law and my ex-sister-in-law. It was during our conversation that day they shared with me about the "burglary" that day. They shared it was my then fiance (now ex-wife), (their sister and daughter,) who along with her best-friend using her husband's dark blue van, had faked the break-in, left the door open and taken my cat's Smokey and Whisp out into the country where they were dumped roadside.
After my conversation with my two ex-in-laws, I located our former neighbor's, Tim and Jill, through the help of his former employer, a Tulsa T.V. news station. They confirmed what my ex-mom-in-law and ex-sister-in-law had shared.

I called my ex-mom-in-law this most recent Christmas 25 Dec., 2016. We spoke for over an hour. She apologized again for knowing about the "burglary" before I married her daughter, and for other things. I apologized for my wrongs against her also. Good peace. She congratulates me for my sobriety each time we speak...about four to six times a month. She and I spoke the day my mom died. Good peace is.

Why do I write this you ask? The same trait which helps me successfully play trivia games, also "helps" me remember the minutiae I've experienced while living my life. So by buggers I still cannot believe this actually happened to me; and that's why I just gotta write it down.

It's Been Awhile...

Yuppers. It has been awhile since I posted here. Today is my two year, five month sober anniversary Thank God. No stays. Even walked through a liquor isle in a large East Lansing everything store...I was looking for non-alcoholic ginger beer...that's where they keep the stuff. I always trippple check the label to trippple make sure it's non-alcoholic ginger beer.

Sobriety keeps getting easier as I keep getting further away from  my last drink of alcohol. I am still the same good person. I am still all the best, without the bull-shoot personality disorder of a practicing alcoholic. Oh my sorrow that my daughter remains withdrawn and non-communicative from me now four and a half month's. I pray for her.
Talk about learning new thinking. Having to deal with sorrow sober certainly does enlighten sobriety's progression of  learning new thought processes.
I love learning new things and just as much as it is what it is...it also is an awesome new learning process. She and I are still alive, so there is still time also for mending and building our relationship.
It is what it is.

I am two years and five month's sober today.
That's all that matters.
Sobriety is all that matter's first.
I am enjoying two years and five month's sober today.

I Could Go East. I Could Go West. It Was All Up For Me To Decide.

Bob Seger. Awesome musician whose music resonates within me. Sobering up is so much just like the undertone of the song "Roll Me Away." "It was all up for me to decide."

"I too am lost, I feel double-crossed

and I'm sick of what's wrong and what's right..."

The hawk flying in the sky for me was God circling overhead with His protection; ready to throw me the rope of salvation from my addiction once I was ready and willing to reach up and grab it, and climb into His Arms.

"Stood alone on a mountain top,

starin' out at the Great Divide

I could go east, I could go west,

it was all up to me to decide

Just then I saw a young hawk flyin'

and my soul began to rise

And pretty soon

My heart was singin'

Roll, roll me away,

I'm gonna roll me away tonight

Gotta keep rollin, gotta keep ridin',

keep searchin' till I find what's right

And as the sunset faded

I spoke to the faintest first starlight

And I said next time

Next time

[I'll] get it right..."

And I am telling you sobriety is definitely doing right by life, and by God. 

"[I] rolled across the high plains

Deep into the mountains

Felt so good to me

Finally feelin' free..."

Sobriety is for me...

"I spoke to the faintest first starlight,

And I said [to God this] time,

[This] time,

[I'll] get it right!!!

Stay sober. 

Stay vigilant. 

Your adversary roars like a lion. 

You can remain free. 

Stay sober. 

Stay vigilant. 

This time you'll get it right.

Amen.

Like Awesome Totally. Yuppers. Free:^)

Oh sure every now and again, like maybe every other week or three I'll think some brief thought about alcohol and then it's over. That's what I wanted to share in this post. I just won't ever drink ethanol again. Don't need it. Don't want it. Haven't had to over-ride an urge to purchase alcohol since about my third month sober way on back at the end of 2014. I've reshaped my thinking, and continually codify my desire to never consume an intoxicating beverage again. Life is just too much fun without it; and learning to overcome and conquer any want or need for alcohol has been an awesome liberation. A deep profound lesson in just what I can and may accomplish regardless the perceived difficulties.

There you go. Take care of yourselves. Remain vigilant. Remain sober. T.T.F.N:^)

PRAYING UNCEASINGLY...

"If we pray without ceasing, we shall not want matter for thanksgiving in everything..."
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ..."

Personally I alway try to be praying as taught by St. Paul. This is a difficult task indeed with the world interfering. It is a good thing when we are able to focus as much attention to our Greater Being, The One God The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Yes I'm old school about the Holy Ghost and Holy Spirit thing. It's the same thing and whether I call it one thing or the other it matters not for salvation. So I try and pray unceasingly.
I know from my prayers about my own death that I am able to know in at least one part of how I will die. I will die sober. After that it is known but only to God Himself how I will die; but I am 100% confident I will indeed die sober.
___________________________________________________________________________

I posted the following on a social media site to no comment and not a single "like". What I said means deeply within myself tremendous amounts of personal revelation so I post it here too. I have posted this also on my P.C.T. blog, Staggering Sober On The Pacific Crest Trail blogspot. My first cross-linking of these blogspots:^)

While I sat in this room of dreams, hand carved, with its nooks and crannies and soot from 1000 years ago, I pondered what I will leave behind. What kind of mark I will have made no matter how temporary my existence. My climb required a 20 foot ladder and allowed me this presence of 1000 years to rest upon my mind and ponder. What will I fill the nooks and crannies of my existence with, which will disappear when I do? 
Today is when we all have to shape what will be each our own legacy. Peace on this walk my friends. You can make it an awesome walk indeed.

Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last Indeed. Make your walk sober too if you even slightly believe you might need to walk sober. Your inner-self indded could be correct. Peace.

Walking Forward

Hurray!
Another day after another day after..........
Well you know, sober. I have been micromanaging my Pacific Crest Trail thru-hike plans and have just plain old forgotten to write anything here in awhile. My bad. Sorry.
Honest to by and for God I just don't ever want to drink again. No proclivities. No desires. When I quit, I quit.  I spent way too many of my last couple of years praying God's assistance in quitting. Now that I have I cannot go back. It is just not who or part of me anymore Thank God.

I have not officially launched my hiker StaggeringSoberOnThePacificCrestTrail.blogspot.com yet so I hope my three or four regular readers will give me honest feedback about my trail plans on here first and soon.

This is the link to my PCT Planner which details my five month plans for this adventure.
http://www.pctplanner.com/v.php?g=pMRZKyKybQBz

This is the link to my pack, what it contains, and what each weight and the cumulative weights are.
https://lighterpack.com/r/8y5wqz

I look forward to celebrating my third year of sobriety on-trail, as well as my 56th birthday. Hopefully you will not only follow along as I walk, but also share the link with others.

Thanking God every minute,
Every day that I am sober.

Remember, you have no idea at all what those around you are going through. Be kind.