Good Reason To Be Scared. I Am Not Feeling Bodily Well.

 Went to bed by about 10pm. awoke with runnies at 0600 exhausted. Went potty several times and fell back asleep dizzy. I am dizzy now. No other signs or symptoms. Just tired and dizzy. Eight 8 hours of sleep followed by another two hours of sleep and I am wrung out. I feel physically as though a cloud is in my brain. Although I clearly can think, it is as though a fog is clouding my day throughout my mind. I do not have the expounding energy that I have experienced the past few days.

I only took 25mg of diphenhydramine, yesterday in the last 4 hours of being awake. NO ETOH AND I MEAN NONE. Ate a little breakfast and no lunch and a dinner Norman brought over which was from the food bank which was a 3 pound food service bag of prepared frozen chicken/beef taco meat. Tomatoes, an apple. 1/2 gallon of water. GABA I took at 8pm not 4 because of sadness I forgot ond was thinking and blogging. Subling under the tongue drops of one on time. Coffee extruda late and off timing by 2 hours and only took X2 dose not X3. 

I feel F'd up. Like I am wasted which really sucks because I need to earn money towards everything thereby necessitating I drive rideshare and make money God Help me. Lack of sleep; lack of money; doubt of what will eventually happen ultimately with Sweetness and I , even though God's got my worry I keep taking it back to carry myself. No doubt, just real concern for My Love's wellbeing. I want to be there for her to assist in all manners as I have done since we met for her and now she has to do these tasks which I can do better for her to help her strengthen her life.

By this time in my blogging over the past couple of weeks, I am energized at this point on the blog page. I am not today. I still feel really F'd Up still. Concerned yes. I am praying I do not get worse before my appoint with Dr. Sweetness. No I am not going to bother her. She has more important patients to see. I will do fine eventually I am praying while driving and lift from the fog wrapping my thoughts with a cloud. I can think ok although my head feels like it is wrapped inside with gauze. Concerned yes however there is nothing to do but pray I get better throughout today and definitely before Thursday at 1000 AM when my appointment with her is. She definitely doesn't need the worry of me right now. She's got enough shit on her plate without me bothering her. I will get through this myself just as I have done before. 

Pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my ass working without excuse. Nobody is going to help me except me. Only person I can count on. usually. is me. If I don't get'er done nobody will do it for me. Besides I do not want My Love to be concerned neither do I wish or want her to think I am a schlep and just seeking attention to see her. I am not. I don't feel normal right now, whatever normal is for me. 

And I gave her my word which means infinitely lots to me. I gave her my word I will not bother her. I am in line to see her like every other patient of hers. I respect her deeply and I def don't want her to think I am seeking attention. And now I am really glad My Love doesn't read my blog. I will deal with this myself without adding strain and worry to her day. I am praying a beginning resolution comes my way beginning with my Thursday doctors visit. And I appreciate any friends who read this knowing it is me to remain silent out of respect for My Love and me. Her plate is full. 

Please pray for me. Tomorrow is my 6 years and 5 month anniversary. Hopefully USA's civil war doesn't begin tomorrow. I promised I will remain close enough to My Love to support and protect her as long as possible. I sure wish she would accept my $1000 dollars cash or credit card loan to fix her broken tooth. I am so worried about her inner strength right now since concerns of how she looks fill her head right now. She is beautiful tome. I have never known a more beautiful woman in my life. 

Well time to stop writing and hit the road. Ain't nobody gonna do it for me. And what good am I as a potential spouse when I have no potential. So on I drive. 

I still feel as I have described above without change due to my blogging. I can think clearly, just with the feeling that the outside of my dura matter is wrapped about between it and my skull. Got to get it done and make money. Please pray for my health and wellbeing to grow strong again. Thank you and peace. 

Thank God I Am Sober. Sober and free from my addiction. Thank God Almighty Indeed for I am forever grateful for my sobriety. Gotta be well enough to celebrate my 6 and 5 anniversary tomorrow. Actually I will go on the little pre-sunrise hike regardless of how I feel. It is my anniversary and I will keep my plans even if I feel like sheet tomorrow morning too. I am sober now and forever, and if'n God choses my life to end tomorrow on my hike that I am soberly celebrating my anniversary the second best way I know how because of circumstances being what they are, then so be it. At least I was sober and living life the best I could. Oh boy now I have a headache. Day is only getting better. Time will tell how well I am.

Sobriety is awesome. My sadness I pray abates into acceptance soon for I am sad. I am tired. But F-ing A regardless I am sober and that really is all that really matters at my ending. It is what it is.

Thank God I Am Sober At Last. Amen.

I Am Scared To Go To Bed. But I Must.

 Scared because I probably will not sleep. How much? How long? If? And if I will go back to sleep once awakening again. I am exhausted. Physically exhausted. But I am sober. My heart I am tired.

Haven't Written A Poem To You Since Forever. Je' Me' Souviens. I Post This Here Hoping One Day You Read This Poem.

 Je' Me' Souviens:

I myself remember: Our first conversation messaging on messenger. And how my sending you a picture of the Tallgrass Prairie bison a day later inspired you to inquire about going there with me. And we visited there on day six of our first in person introduction one to the other. My mind was captured then way before we arrived via dirt road in Kansas. And the church. And the cow with those black and white patterns. And your laughter. And your smile. And your dimples. And your zest for life. And inviting me back for a thirteen and a half hour first date. And your beauty captured my heart. My Love.

Je' me' souviens: Your buoyant spirit. And your sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences and your family, and joys, sorrows, highlights, and your conquering so many various aspects of your life. You are an amazing woman. And sharing grits and eggs on our first date. You are an amazing cook whose cooking I honestly enjoy. You are an amazing spirit whom I love. And how kindly you speak to people. And how patient you are with your patients, and friends, and to me. And our New Year's Eve. My Love. 

I myself remember: Cooking in the kitchen together. Flipping your mattress for you. And watching movies and watching the White Christmas singalong at the drive-in. And have I mentioned lately how beautiful you are and how your determination to be the best you can be is so sexy. I love you. I pray for you. I hope for you. I dreamed of you from our first week of knowing each other. You voice i hear with fond love filling my soul and our connection. Feeling more than feelings. My time with you more than I could have dreamed possible. Thank you for being and treating and speaking and touching me and teaching me how to love you. My Love.

Je' Me' Souveins: And time will tell and show us what we have and if it is enough for forever however long forever shall be for us My Love. There is so much I could write of our time together however that is best spent sharing together alone together. My Love.

_____________________________________________________________________

Not my best because I am distracted by not knowing the future.

And that's a sober man's dream woman.

And On The 13th Day Of Christmas My Sobriety Gave To Me, 6 Years And 5 Months.

Well I am taking at least part of Epiphany off.  It is my six years and five months of sobriety anniversary.  Since my now ex-girlfriend and I were going to celebrate together, as she said it was my special day, and now I do not want to pressure her into celebrating with me since she shared with me she needs a break and time away from me; I am going to do something special for me.

This last year was a bear, and the breakup of my relationship into friendship with Sweetness, leaves me so hollow that I want and need to do something to congratulate myself.  Can't pat myself on the back, (I need a back scratching lol), though I will think of something to do which is special to me.  Heck I have been alone near all of my sobriety anniversaries, so what the heck is one more.  I did it for me anyway.

So be it that she won't be celebrating with me, for I really looked forward to sharing my special day with her.  She needs space and time and I sure as the heck don't want to intrude into her life unless she invites me to conversation.  Since Sweetness needs time away from me, I will not be the one to invade her space.  That would not be peaceful for her.  My heart yearns for My Love to be at peace.  I pray for peace for her as often as I think about her.

So I will find something to do for myself and celebrate solo my accomplishment which I am vainly proud I accomplished, and continue accomplishing.  It is what it is that I will be solo, but it's not the first time and it will not be the last. 

Thank God Almighty I am Free at Last. 

I am sober.

Originally Published By Me Here on 26 August 2016 Worthy Reposting

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE

I am so lucky to have succeeded academically for my first three and a half years as a full-time university student.  I have mentioned in my previous blogs that this was also during my last three and a half years of binge drinking alcoholism.

The changing of my thinking through my academic pursuit before I quit drinking,
and the continued changing of my thinking post sobering up as I continued my academic pursuit;
I believe contributed significantly to my continued sobriety.
Sobering up addicts from any addiction must change their thinking.
Although I don't recommend full-time university studies for everybody,
I do recommend some mental challenges with sobriety's changes. 
This is the reason I have created, Ima Soberalcoholic's Theorem Number One.

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE:
Mental calisthenics if you will; the one, two, three boost of creating new axon and dendritic connections needed for continuing sobriety.  I believe one necessary addition to cessation of the addictive property(s), is the necessity to create new pathways for which sober thought to travel through.  The best way to begin accomplishing this is for the initiant to sobriety to begin mental calisthenics.  Working math problems of varying degrees of difficulties, reading and then writing about the reading, and doing something as complex as shuffling cards and playing solitaire.  Bottom line is that the recovering mind of the addiction quitters, must change many different cerebral areas in their acquisition and accomplishment of tasks in new and variable ways.  This learning I believe will assist the recovering addict learn and succeed not only in their remaining sober, but also in new challenges as they present themselves through life.

The only way to begin working on I.S. THEOREM NUMBER ONE is:

Begin by quitting what you gotta quit.  

Quitting anyway you can is the best way to quit.

Get help to stay there.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

Repeat for your lifetime.

T.T.F.N.

Well Two Of My Dear Women Friends I Am Listening To As My Teachers. My Dear Male Friend I Will Not Be Doing His Advice As I Cannot.

 Well if'n my two close female friends are telling me I need to give My Love time to sort things out, and my close male friend is telling me I've been dumped and to get over it as a learning lesson and their are other fish in the sea: I will take my two close female friend's advice. One said something, and when I shared with my second female friend, she agreed with my first female friend. I need to buck up my emotional stability. And boy howdy I am old enough to listen to two good friends advice who are women, to any two dozen male friends advice; although I was advised by only one male friend. I'll get over it. 

Well my emotions are Not a faucet. I opened my heart and soul and mind and mind to my ex-girlfriend and love her for who she is period. Unconditionally as she promised she feels for me, unconditional love. Emotional stability. Sheet I am an utter wreck. I am not hungry, not tired especially with my sleep  disturbances so that is scary. I mean I have not felt like I do at such a loss since 1983. Neither ex-wives did I pang such deeply wrenching emotions, and no other girlfriends either. 1983 was an immature relationship as it was my "first." Like in everything I was immature, and boy was I not ready for any kind of relationship at that point in my life. My emotions are not like a faucet.

So emotional stability and 2 dear friends who care for me as sisters from another mother told me this, that I need to work on my emotional stability. Another task I will accomplish because you see, my whole  insides throughout my driving today felt as though my heart and everything else had just been scooped out of me and I felt such loss of any emotion. I had to drive although while driving I kept very diligent in praying of "Emotional Stability", which both of my two friends said they will be praying for me to successfully accomplish. So I am trying to shut down some of my sorrow like suppress my sorrow. 

Suppressing things inside lead me to sorrow through my life, and another excuse to drink and make more excuses. I stopped making excuses when I set down the bottle, regaining my life back. Emotional stability? I am sorrowed at the possibility much less the reality that what I thought and sought, and followed through with, that we will never return to any loss. IF that's emotional insecurity then so be it. 

I know I must follow through and give My Love her time and space. If we become a stronger us, I am 1000 times blessed. And If we remain friends, then I am blessed also. 

Thinking about my Sweetness today when I allowed my guard to be down, brought the hollow feelings way down deep surface again and I had to stop thing about anything. Did listen to music today. I don't usually listen music while I drive passengers, although I always offer. Music distracted my thinking enough so I did not have to hear myself think. I like driving without music and thinking usually, although today I definitely did not want to be alone with my thoughts today and music was an awesome distraction, except when the love songs came on and I'd shed tears.

Hey give me a break. I am working on myself here. I mean how can I be better for myself. Same as with conquering my alcoholism, working through my mind is an awesome necessary task. I will persevere because I want to be a better person. And heavens I pray it is Sweetness. And if it is not to be then God grant me the time to heal because healing from this will take time. And so indeed time will tell. Time will tell indeed. 

And I am sorely sad. I have work to do on myself regardless of if we will ever be us again.

Thank God I am sober at last. Especially now because I would have never experienced the level of love I feel that I am feeling right now. I am sad and I am thankful I feel all of my emotions now. For now I al finally learning how to truly love another. Regardless of if we ever are us again, I enjoy the love I leaned with My Sweetness.

My doctor's appointment is for this Thursday 7 January at 1000. I have been practicing on making sure I act as "normal" as possible when I see her for my appointment. How do I learn in two days how to remove the sorrow from my eyes? How do I smile at My Love with the genuine love I feel without betraying my sorrow. Practice. I do not want to place any pressure on her. I want her to feel and be empowered by what she feels she needs to do. I am working on my face to put on so our visit is memorable and she wants to see me again. 

Well since I had horrible sleep last night and the night before and the night before so I am exhausted beyond belief and will be heading to bed. Letting go is the hardest experience of my life and I am sad and happy. Happy because My Love has what she needs. And I love her unconditionally and I am happy for her. Sincerely I am happy she has what she needs.

5 Hours Of Sleep. Please Pray That I Will Sleep Soon. I Am Exhausted And I Am Deeply Sorrowed.

 Okay yes I had this sleep issue since at least October. I's killing me. Now add serious depression from My Love's choice for us to slow down to friends.  It is already killing me inside with sadness. She has no control on this. I do. And I am unable to feel the way that I do. I feel as though I have the greatest love of my life. I woke up crying missing her. I am telling you for whatever reason I am at least tied to her very deeply. I feel her pain of decision Friday and Saturday while she was experiencing pain of having to make a decision to only be friends through what is best for her and coercion. I hurt so deeply that she needs to lower herself to survive. I offered her to sell all I could to support her. She told me no. To move into a better place to live. I personally believe the vest place to move into is with her to build a life. Pity sadness deep that she chose the other guy so she can live, instead of choosing me and love. I cannot bring her what she needs which is true love when she feels a need to just survive and not love and survive. I am so sad she has been so hurt for her life. Beyond all of my prayers I pray she is no longer hurting and wants to be loved and to love again. As this goes on I wonder when I will stop feeling as though I have died inside? 

At least I may be sober dealing with my pains I am experiencing, but my sorrow is so great. I am going to try to go back to sleep. It is 0700 and I am exhausted. I need to work soon. I have to survive as well without My Love. I am sad. At least I am sober to feel the sadness I am experiencing. I am tired of crying and wonder when this pain and loss feeling will go away? Please pray for my health and also for my pain and hurt to go away. Please pray for me to sleep.

Finally Lay Down And All I Was Remembering Is Her. Thanking God Then And Now.

 Some mess I am. Haven't slept but 6 hours or so in almost two days. I mean I lay down to sleep with 75mg diphenhydramine onboard along with the three different sublingual meds. My cat tucked up under my arm and poof. almost asleep and my mind began remembering her laughter. He smile and those beautiful dimples. Oh and her laughter which lights up a whole room with fun. And she has a funny sense of humour and her eyes sparkle sometimes when she sees beautiful things. And her voice so beautiful to me ears. And I lay they in bed with my CPAP on, sleeping aides taken, cat sleeping under my arm for more than and hour and a half and I am wide awake having only gone to sleep for several minutes. And then I began remembering sights of us watching several sunsets together. And oh how her laughter is so beautiful to my ear. Sharing our two favorite movies together. And my heart races when we embrace. And by the way when we embrace our hearts beat together. And her quiet prayers so beautifully strong and yet gentle, just like she is. All the while my tears flowed from my eyes down my cheeks and into my ears. And then thinking about her beautiful resounding laughter and I smiled. Stopped the tears took off my CPAP, took to my keyboard and began writing this blog. And by the way I really can sense her emotions even when she is miles away. I feel connected deeply however is she? Does she remember me with the same dreamy fondness? Will I ever be important enough for her to marry or am I just dreaming while I am really awake?

Well thank God I am convicted sober coz this heart tearing emotional stuff stone cold sober is absolutely tearing my heart up. And even dry eyed my heart cries. I miss dancing with her already. I will do as she asks and give her room. And oh how I miss our nightly prayers already. I'm missing smelling her neck and remembering her deeply in my olfactory region. 

I will be on point for My Love. If our future together is in doubt, it will be through no actions of mine. I love her unconditionally and I will support her needs because I love her. Time will tell if we are truly to be us, or if we never really were more than in my head and in my heart. Time will tell, however it still is what it is.

And I will always love her unconditionally. Will it be as friends or as married friends. 

Time will tell.  Tho I miss her already, I keep assuring myself maybe time will tell me and be good in its telling. Oh I am praying.               

Good thing I didn't ask her to marry me on New Years Eve or there would be no chance of us ever being us again. And yet time will still tell.

Well thank God I am sober but I am also so sad I cannot sleep and God help me I need to. I cannot sit and do nothing. I must arise and begin the new day soon.

After all I will probably only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I am scared when I fall asleep anymore because I know there will be no good sleep for me. It is what it is.

I so deeply love Sweetness I hurt at not being able to communicate with her and hear her voice and laughter. I may be sober however. I am sad too. Sober. Sad. Happy she wants our friendship to remain so time will tell

Still doesn't change my hurting missing near fearing the possibility that we will never be we. Time the sly one will do tell in due time. And I am praying God's wisdom shine upon us both. Amen.

.

Thank God I Am Sober To Experience This Sadness

 I am really thankful I am sober. And I am sober to experience such a great pain of loss.

I have to keep this blog real and share the deep emotions I am experiencing now, and doing so soberly. This blogging helps me understand better. Understand better so much of what I heard and did not listen to. 

Thanking God I am sober even though the pain of loss of this relationship hurts me so deeply. I have never loved so deeply before. 

Thank God I Am Sober. I Am Sober And Free At Last. Although deeply hurting I will survive eventually. A piece of me has died this weekend and I am hurting sorely. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. And hurting.

Gvgeyuhi. I Was The Music While The Music Lasted. I Am Sober Thank God Almighty.

Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before  awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.

Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.

I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.

I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then  my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep.  And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I NEED SLEEP.

 I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her.

GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You.  It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath."   The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.

I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last.