And On The 13th Day Of Christmas My Sobriety Gave To Me, 6 Years And 5 Months.

Well I am taking at least part of Epiphany off.  It is my six years and five months of sobriety anniversary.  Since my now ex-girlfriend and I were going to celebrate together, as she said it was my special day, and now I do not want to pressure her into celebrating with me since she shared with me she needs a break and time away from me; I am going to do something special for me.

This last year was a bear, and the breakup of my relationship into friendship with Sweetness, leaves me so hollow that I want and need to do something to congratulate myself.  Can't pat myself on the back, (I need a back scratching lol), though I will think of something to do which is special to me.  Heck I have been alone near all of my sobriety anniversaries, so what the heck is one more.  I did it for me anyway.

So be it that she won't be celebrating with me, for I really looked forward to sharing my special day with her.  She needs space and time and I sure as the heck don't want to intrude into her life unless she invites me to conversation.  Since Sweetness needs time away from me, I will not be the one to invade her space.  That would not be peaceful for her.  My heart yearns for My Love to be at peace.  I pray for peace for her as often as I think about her.

So I will find something to do for myself and celebrate solo my accomplishment which I am vainly proud I accomplished, and continue accomplishing.  It is what it is that I will be solo, but it's not the first time and it will not be the last. 

Thank God Almighty I am Free at Last. 

I am sober.

Originally Published By Me Here on 26 August 2016 Worthy Reposting

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE

I am so lucky to have succeeded academically for my first three and a half years as a full-time university student.  I have mentioned in my previous blogs that this was also during my last three and a half years of binge drinking alcoholism.

The changing of my thinking through my academic pursuit before I quit drinking,
and the continued changing of my thinking post sobering up as I continued my academic pursuit;
I believe contributed significantly to my continued sobriety.
Sobering up addicts from any addiction must change their thinking.
Although I don't recommend full-time university studies for everybody,
I do recommend some mental challenges with sobriety's changes. 
This is the reason I have created, Ima Soberalcoholic's Theorem Number One.

IMA SOBERALCOHOLIC'S THEOREM NUMBER ONE:
Mental calisthenics if you will; the one, two, three boost of creating new axon and dendritic connections needed for continuing sobriety.  I believe one necessary addition to cessation of the addictive property(s), is the necessity to create new pathways for which sober thought to travel through.  The best way to begin accomplishing this is for the initiant to sobriety to begin mental calisthenics.  Working math problems of varying degrees of difficulties, reading and then writing about the reading, and doing something as complex as shuffling cards and playing solitaire.  Bottom line is that the recovering mind of the addiction quitters, must change many different cerebral areas in their acquisition and accomplishment of tasks in new and variable ways.  This learning I believe will assist the recovering addict learn and succeed not only in their remaining sober, but also in new challenges as they present themselves through life.

The only way to begin working on I.S. THEOREM NUMBER ONE is:

Begin by quitting what you gotta quit.  

Quitting anyway you can is the best way to quit.

Get help to stay there.

Minute by minute.

Hour by hour.

Day by day.

Repeat for your lifetime.

T.T.F.N.

Well Two Of My Dear Women Friends I Am Listening To As My Teachers. My Dear Male Friend I Will Not Be Doing His Advice As I Cannot.

 Well if'n my two close female friends are telling me I need to give My Love time to sort things out, and my close male friend is telling me I've been dumped and to get over it as a learning lesson and their are other fish in the sea: I will take my two close female friend's advice. One said something, and when I shared with my second female friend, she agreed with my first female friend. I need to buck up my emotional stability. And boy howdy I am old enough to listen to two good friends advice who are women, to any two dozen male friends advice; although I was advised by only one male friend. I'll get over it. 

Well my emotions are Not a faucet. I opened my heart and soul and mind and mind to my ex-girlfriend and love her for who she is period. Unconditionally as she promised she feels for me, unconditional love. Emotional stability. Sheet I am an utter wreck. I am not hungry, not tired especially with my sleep  disturbances so that is scary. I mean I have not felt like I do at such a loss since 1983. Neither ex-wives did I pang such deeply wrenching emotions, and no other girlfriends either. 1983 was an immature relationship as it was my "first." Like in everything I was immature, and boy was I not ready for any kind of relationship at that point in my life. My emotions are not like a faucet.

So emotional stability and 2 dear friends who care for me as sisters from another mother told me this, that I need to work on my emotional stability. Another task I will accomplish because you see, my whole  insides throughout my driving today felt as though my heart and everything else had just been scooped out of me and I felt such loss of any emotion. I had to drive although while driving I kept very diligent in praying of "Emotional Stability", which both of my two friends said they will be praying for me to successfully accomplish. So I am trying to shut down some of my sorrow like suppress my sorrow. 

Suppressing things inside lead me to sorrow through my life, and another excuse to drink and make more excuses. I stopped making excuses when I set down the bottle, regaining my life back. Emotional stability? I am sorrowed at the possibility much less the reality that what I thought and sought, and followed through with, that we will never return to any loss. IF that's emotional insecurity then so be it. 

I know I must follow through and give My Love her time and space. If we become a stronger us, I am 1000 times blessed. And If we remain friends, then I am blessed also. 

Thinking about my Sweetness today when I allowed my guard to be down, brought the hollow feelings way down deep surface again and I had to stop thing about anything. Did listen to music today. I don't usually listen music while I drive passengers, although I always offer. Music distracted my thinking enough so I did not have to hear myself think. I like driving without music and thinking usually, although today I definitely did not want to be alone with my thoughts today and music was an awesome distraction, except when the love songs came on and I'd shed tears.

Hey give me a break. I am working on myself here. I mean how can I be better for myself. Same as with conquering my alcoholism, working through my mind is an awesome necessary task. I will persevere because I want to be a better person. And heavens I pray it is Sweetness. And if it is not to be then God grant me the time to heal because healing from this will take time. And so indeed time will tell. Time will tell indeed. 

And I am sorely sad. I have work to do on myself regardless of if we will ever be us again.

Thank God I am sober at last. Especially now because I would have never experienced the level of love I feel that I am feeling right now. I am sad and I am thankful I feel all of my emotions now. For now I al finally learning how to truly love another. Regardless of if we ever are us again, I enjoy the love I leaned with My Sweetness.

My doctor's appointment is for this Thursday 7 January at 1000. I have been practicing on making sure I act as "normal" as possible when I see her for my appointment. How do I learn in two days how to remove the sorrow from my eyes? How do I smile at My Love with the genuine love I feel without betraying my sorrow. Practice. I do not want to place any pressure on her. I want her to feel and be empowered by what she feels she needs to do. I am working on my face to put on so our visit is memorable and she wants to see me again. 

Well since I had horrible sleep last night and the night before and the night before so I am exhausted beyond belief and will be heading to bed. Letting go is the hardest experience of my life and I am sad and happy. Happy because My Love has what she needs. And I love her unconditionally and I am happy for her. Sincerely I am happy she has what she needs.

5 Hours Of Sleep. Please Pray That I Will Sleep Soon. I Am Exhausted And I Am Deeply Sorrowed.

 Okay yes I had this sleep issue since at least October. I's killing me. Now add serious depression from My Love's choice for us to slow down to friends.  It is already killing me inside with sadness. She has no control on this. I do. And I am unable to feel the way that I do. I feel as though I have the greatest love of my life. I woke up crying missing her. I am telling you for whatever reason I am at least tied to her very deeply. I feel her pain of decision Friday and Saturday while she was experiencing pain of having to make a decision to only be friends through what is best for her and coercion. I hurt so deeply that she needs to lower herself to survive. I offered her to sell all I could to support her. She told me no. To move into a better place to live. I personally believe the vest place to move into is with her to build a life. Pity sadness deep that she chose the other guy so she can live, instead of choosing me and love. I cannot bring her what she needs which is true love when she feels a need to just survive and not love and survive. I am so sad she has been so hurt for her life. Beyond all of my prayers I pray she is no longer hurting and wants to be loved and to love again. As this goes on I wonder when I will stop feeling as though I have died inside? 

At least I may be sober dealing with my pains I am experiencing, but my sorrow is so great. I am going to try to go back to sleep. It is 0700 and I am exhausted. I need to work soon. I have to survive as well without My Love. I am sad. At least I am sober to feel the sadness I am experiencing. I am tired of crying and wonder when this pain and loss feeling will go away? Please pray for my health and also for my pain and hurt to go away. Please pray for me to sleep.

Finally Lay Down And All I Was Remembering Is Her. Thanking God Then And Now.

 Some mess I am. Haven't slept but 6 hours or so in almost two days. I mean I lay down to sleep with 75mg diphenhydramine onboard along with the three different sublingual meds. My cat tucked up under my arm and poof. almost asleep and my mind began remembering her laughter. He smile and those beautiful dimples. Oh and her laughter which lights up a whole room with fun. And she has a funny sense of humour and her eyes sparkle sometimes when she sees beautiful things. And her voice so beautiful to me ears. And I lay they in bed with my CPAP on, sleeping aides taken, cat sleeping under my arm for more than and hour and a half and I am wide awake having only gone to sleep for several minutes. And then I began remembering sights of us watching several sunsets together. And oh how her laughter is so beautiful to my ear. Sharing our two favorite movies together. And my heart races when we embrace. And by the way when we embrace our hearts beat together. And her quiet prayers so beautifully strong and yet gentle, just like she is. All the while my tears flowed from my eyes down my cheeks and into my ears. And then thinking about her beautiful resounding laughter and I smiled. Stopped the tears took off my CPAP, took to my keyboard and began writing this blog. And by the way I really can sense her emotions even when she is miles away. I feel connected deeply however is she? Does she remember me with the same dreamy fondness? Will I ever be important enough for her to marry or am I just dreaming while I am really awake?

Well thank God I am convicted sober coz this heart tearing emotional stuff stone cold sober is absolutely tearing my heart up. And even dry eyed my heart cries. I miss dancing with her already. I will do as she asks and give her room. And oh how I miss our nightly prayers already. I'm missing smelling her neck and remembering her deeply in my olfactory region. 

I will be on point for My Love. If our future together is in doubt, it will be through no actions of mine. I love her unconditionally and I will support her needs because I love her. Time will tell if we are truly to be us, or if we never really were more than in my head and in my heart. Time will tell, however it still is what it is.

And I will always love her unconditionally. Will it be as friends or as married friends. 

Time will tell.  Tho I miss her already, I keep assuring myself maybe time will tell me and be good in its telling. Oh I am praying.               

Good thing I didn't ask her to marry me on New Years Eve or there would be no chance of us ever being us again. And yet time will still tell.

Well thank God I am sober but I am also so sad I cannot sleep and God help me I need to. I cannot sit and do nothing. I must arise and begin the new day soon.

After all I will probably only get 4 or 5 hours of sleep. I am scared when I fall asleep anymore because I know there will be no good sleep for me. It is what it is.

I so deeply love Sweetness I hurt at not being able to communicate with her and hear her voice and laughter. I may be sober however. I am sad too. Sober. Sad. Happy she wants our friendship to remain so time will tell

Still doesn't change my hurting missing near fearing the possibility that we will never be we. Time the sly one will do tell in due time. And I am praying God's wisdom shine upon us both. Amen.

.

Thank God I Am Sober To Experience This Sadness

 I am really thankful I am sober. And I am sober to experience such a great pain of loss.

I have to keep this blog real and share the deep emotions I am experiencing now, and doing so soberly. This blogging helps me understand better. Understand better so much of what I heard and did not listen to. 

Thanking God I am sober even though the pain of loss of this relationship hurts me so deeply. I have never loved so deeply before. 

Thank God I Am Sober. I Am Sober And Free At Last. Although deeply hurting I will survive eventually. A piece of me has died this weekend and I am hurting sorely. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. And hurting.

Gvgeyuhi. I Was The Music While The Music Lasted. I Am Sober Thank God Almighty.

Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before  awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.

Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.

I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.

I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then  my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep.  And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I NEED SLEEP.

 I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her.

GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You.  It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath."   The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.

I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last.

Always Hoped To Help. A Grateful Sober Alcoholic.

Always hoped my blog would help others. When I was writing this initially I had a following, although nobody ever commented. Guess nobody I know who had read this ever found anything worth talking about with me to ever make a comment and no-one ever has. Recognizing I wrote this all along for me. Quite a learning experience. My writing this was another aid in getting me to sobriety. Bummer nobody ever found anything in here worth talking about with me who knows me in person. I guess that is what my lessons about this blog have come down too, my sobriety is most important to me and there will never be a way for me to interest anyone into a conversation about anything I have to say about sobriety, let alone my sobriety. 

My takeaway from all of my writing on this blog is that my sobriety is most important to me first, as it truly can only be. I can invite others to read and respond on what I have to say about me and my life sober, and what lead me to the bottle and back. Of what I found out about myself from just laying out my thoughts onto this form is that I love being sober. I disdain ever the thought of ever consuming alcohol again. Let somebody else take on the burden and see what will happen will happen.  My daughter laughed at me when while in my first months of sobriety as she shared laughingly that she drank alcohol and then asked me what was I going to do about it.  I responded then as I do now, "She knows what she is getting into."

At least my girlfriend accepts me for me. A sober alcoholic. A grateful sober alcoholic. 

My Return To Love. It Is So Bright And Wonderful A Journey.

 The doubt that I will ever be loved by a woman who accepts that I am a recovery sober alcoholic unfortunately, has been long persistent. There is risk in dating anyone, and there is more risk when the other is a sober alcoholic in recovery. This I am aware of and yet my heart longs for a partner with whom to grow. I have searched far and wide where to find the woman God has blessed me to meet. Thousands of internet dating connections and communications with woman from several sites since my quitting the booze 6 August 2014, has taught me many women will not date recovering and sober alcoholics. Talk about bringing personal doubt strong into play. Talk about sadness that I am viewed as broken and unworthy, and or too much of a risk; sometimes with almost that verbiage too. It is what it is. I am Gratefully Sober/Recovering, not numbing myself from reality anymore.

The world I see now is very wide open, without the shuttering by a blurry wall of alcohol. My love of for life has so very much grown as my journey of sobriety progresses. Recognizing my two marriages were to abusive narcists, brought me an amazing amount of liberty from my past and incredible positive growth forward for me. However, the sorrow, pain, and degradation from the last woman and narcist I dated, brought me freedom to understand my past mistakes and walk away in such a way with my head held high showing my pride in of living soberly. 

Scared, sad, determined, and motivated, I recognized that my initial cessation from addiction began my brain's changing its neural chemical messaging. Messaging my brain had not experienced in many decades of my dependence upon intoxication. Add then two friend's and both parent's deaths in my first 5 month's of sobriety, and standing proud sober I knew I was free from drowning my sorrows, fears, doubts, loneliness, and life: I was keenly aware that same resilience/coping skills which I kept throughout all of those initial "triggers", were the same tools which I could achieve my lifelong dream of sobriety forever.  However, those chemical changes take months and months unbeknownst to me. Added then also three failed (2015, 2016, and 2017) attempts to thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail, Add my daughter's 2016 telling me she would never speak to me again in life, Add my Aunt's and two more friend's deaths, Add not being hired for several jobs because I was told I was too old. Add 2017's realization my daughter was serious, Add my good friend Cory dying from his alcoholism and my energy expelled bring him to a peaceful last two days toward his death, Add meeting energy draining several women, Add too many women sharing with me they wouldn't date a sober/recovery alcoholic no matter how long I was.  AND Add my beginning a relationship with a WWP "woman with potential" to be a good partner; Instead of a relationship with a woman with whom we shared in building our potential together one day at a time.

AND boom I began justifying and accepting inappropriate behaviours and anger which continued to happen. Not that she ever apologized truthfully or fully, instead almost always insisting I was in the wrong. I was drowning in what I now recognize as a "midlife" crisis and needing to hold onto something more than the broken dreams and promises I held onto.  The rope I thought was keeping me from drowning, was instead anchoring me deeper into my depression. CUT her loose as a significant other mid-2018.  Only afterwards upon sharing and talking with many women of my experiences with WWP, did I begin learning and growing. 

Had to pull my ass out of my pits of depression using the same steely determination and resolve with which I broke free six years ago from my intoxication.  ADD freedom from WWP: ADD two years of freedom discovering who I am, And Add knowing my own self-worth. 

AND after two years of exploring myself deeply, learning my minimums I am willing to accept from a relationship, cutting ties with my past sorrows and broken promises to myself and others. 

ADD my willingness of and to change for me first: and for the life I want to share with a woman with whom we share thoughts, desires for and of life.

ADD a very special lady, My Sweetness. We share so much thoughts, feelings, expressions, beautifulness, and desire of and for life. AND most importantly our shared pronouncement of our Christian Faith as Anglicans, through daily prayer and church attendance. 

And so now please ADD,

My return to Love. It is so bright and wonderful a journey. Who know what the future holds? Day by day as it unfolds it is so new and brighter day, each and everyday with My Sweetness and Love. Who knows what the future holds except My Sweetness and me day by day. And day by day my appreciation of who My Sweetness is within her self of self grows. Who knows how long we have. Daily I thank God for the day, and that she and I are together today. Who knows about tomorrow. I Celebrate Today My Return to Love. 

Thank you Sweetness for today. X.O. My Sweetness. Lovingly, King Friday

<3

Return to Love (Christmas Version) Andrea Bocelli  

https://youtu.be/kmKaBYZgxpY 

Heavenly Days

I haven't posted here in over eleven months now.  Still sober from all of course.  Still no word from my daughter.  Had to cut loose two friends this past week.  One is Dave-O whom I've blogged on here in the past especially in 2016-2017. I've been there for him as a friend having saved his life twice through calling sheriff's welfare check.  I've supported him emotionally through phone calls and texting encouraging him and trying to keep alive a friendship which began 35 years ago, drifted apart for 3 years and resumed our friendship 5 years ago. These past two years, one and a half years of his sobriety now, David began to ghost my responses with greater frequency until now I am tired.  Tired of receiving little and no response so frequently to my texts and phone calls and since I deserve a better friendship than what's been offered me by Dave these past couple of years. I have stopped trying. I will respond when and if he responds so we will see.
As to my cutting loose another friend I will write more on that friend at a later time when I have the response formulated.  Only thing I will say for now is that they think they have terminated our friendship. Best for them in the long run to believe they are doing what's best for them and done so from their own inspiration. More on that later after much more thought from me.

Sometimes no matter what you try things just don't work out.
Thank God Almighty Sobriety is mine.
XO Ima Soberalcoholic