I Am So Vain

 All my deep prayers of healing for My Love, and vainly I presume my life is forever. I could be killed while driving a rideshare passenger and leave Sweetness without me here for her.  I will die twice if God does not allow me to be her St. Michael and defend her against all evil.

No one. Nobody. Will ever hurt My Love while I stand with her. I have been relearning some hits and bunches and pen stabs for I will die defending My Love. And I am not joking. Violence is NOT me however and I do add a qualifier, I will aggressively violently attack anyone who is an emanate threat with what I have learned in life to prevent another attack....of violence...which was perpetuated upon me by Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas.  His attack on me in college leaves me with a gradually increasing nerve damage which I am constantly overcoming by auxiliary usage of that hand to shoulder. God help me if I ever see Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas in a crosswalk because I WILL RUN THE MO FO DOWN AT HIGH SPEED.

And that is why through my life sense then I have gone to the aid of those who are in need of assistance. More than a dozen college students who lived on my dorm floor watched as (DR Mengele now) twisted my left arm so far behind my back that my fingers touched my head. No need to explain the guy who now is a pastor of a large church in OKC, constricting my wrist with a belt and stretching me out the opposite way cruciform. And the humiliation of nobody coming to my aid. AND THE COLLEGE AND LOCAL POLICE DOING NOTHING BUT DEFERING HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY WRESTLING COACH FOR PUNNISHMENT.  THIS SUBHUMAN BEAT UP MANY PEOPLE AND WAS A DATE RAPIEST AS I LATER RESEARCHED AND REALIZED.

AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN EVER.

Ain't ever happening again.

Ain't ever happening again.

I mean this is a sobriety blog from a sober alcoholic.

Well what can I write about my sobriety other than it is going awesomely. Haven't wanted any alcohol since about week two or three of my first month of sobriety.

I just don't get folks, alcoholics who ritualistically continue to say on one hand I want to be sober, while on or rather in the other hand is another glass of whatever poison going inside to kill themselves.

Quit is quit. Or another fuuking excuse to drink another glass of poison.

On the other hand is my former spiritual leader. Our church had literally died down to he and I after my mom died 6 years ago. And out of honour and my need to maintain a certain normalcy, we continued to meet in my home after mom died. 

And Pastor X would drink. And his drinking became a noticeable problem to me sometime about seven months ago. I began doubling back on his vehicle when he left my home after church and lunch. He would say he was going home. I would watch his vehicle pass from my observation place headed in the opposite direction and back to his favorite pub.

And then there were the past several years of his sounding impaired and sometimes intoxicated. And then 4 weeks ago I needed a ride after popping my tire. He answered and sounded impaired. I challenged him. He said he wasn't impaired. I missed a call from him 45 minutes later while still at my breakdown site. His message when I listened to it was from an obviously very intoxicated man. The tow truck driver said he would drive me home. I called my friend and told him I had a ride home.

The next day I sent him a text message with his intoxicated voice message attached.

And I have not heard from him since.

After over ten 10 years as my pastor

He has ghosted me

And because I do not want to live responsible for any deaths he may cause while drinking and driving

I called his family. 

An 83 year old man should not be alone to drink and drive intoxicated. His family is stepping in to control him.

I could not stand by and be responsible for an old drunk killing anyone. 

And that's how the church my mom once attended has now ended. I will not attend a church where the pastor is not in control of their alcohol consumption.

I Live With Regrets In Life No More.

 I have lived with regrets in life before

I shall no more.

This love I feel

Is real

Deeply

Real.

With Open Arms I Dance With My Love

the child in me doesn't ever want to let go of such a magnificent woman

My prayers and dreams are to slowly grow to better know the true depths of the most wonderful woman I have even grown to know.

the child in me kicks and screams and cries NO

i have just begun to know this amazing treasure

i never knew existed on this planet

and i cannot imagine not getting to grow and know

More.

The man I am, a Christian knows I am here for my love

To be the man she needs

And deserves

For my love is unconditional

And I am tied to her heart

And as a Christian I know it will be God's will

And whatever forever is 

I am honoured God chose me

To know the most precious human I have ever known

And I am ready for forever whatever forever really is

Standing with her in partnership

For us and her

For whatever she needs most 

Is ultimately 

What too I want most for her

For I love her unconditionally

Enough to give her back to God

If he deems my all too brief time with her

Is all the time I get

My sorrow still is for her

My tears still fall for her dreams

My tears still fall for her family.

So Praise God Almighty.

I am not going down sorrows trail

For that is Not the way of the Lord

And His pathway for us I celebrate

Because I refuse to believe anything else

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away

And so I pray. 

I pray. 

I pray.

I pray.

And my tears fall in praise and Thanksgiving

Than My Love's body has been healed

And her illness has been carried away.

And she is made whole.

And so I pray

I pray

I pray

I pray

Sometimes There Are Prayers. Sometimes There Are Tears. But It's Still Always God's Will...

 Sometimes There Are Prayers,

Sometimes There Are Tears,

Sometimes There Is Acceptance,

But It's Still Always God's Will..

And my Dearest Love is the most special wonderful woman I have ever been graced by God with introduction. And I just want to pray away all her afflictions and watch her stand healed. And my love for her family knows the same boundless energy. And my love for My Loving Sweetness knows boundless energy. And she deserves love. And she deserves strength. And she deserves her dreams. And My Love for My Love is deep. And I just pray and pray and pray all day for her health to be whole. And my praying is unceasing. And I accept what is to be forever whatever forever is. My Love Is So Deep. My Love Is So Deep For My Love. And I weep for her before Jesus' feet to be healed. And I pray thank God almighty I am sober at last. Oh Jesus please allow My Love to be healed at last too.

Sometimes there are prayers. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes there is acceptance. But there is still always God's will.  Oh please Jesus, allow My Love to be healed too.

Being Better. Man. Christian. Partner. Human.

 I am not weak. I am human. I've pulled from my toenails deep to pull my emotional security up to snuff. I have grown as a Christian, a man, a partner to who I need to be. For me, for God, and for My Love. (Note: I don't use my girlfriend's name for privacy reasons, so I do get gushy about how I describe her in place of her name. My prerogative as blog writer lol.) The changes I made for My Sweetness, were and are necessary for my growth as a Christian and My Love's partner. My changes were and are necessary towards me being a more stable individual; unlike so many of my earned behaviours throughout my life. Between my reactions and whatever attitude from my assaults', and my alcoholism, and whatever I was never diagnosed with; I needed to become a more stable individual away from my lifelong patterns of behaviours and reactionary living. If I had not experienced such growth as an individual in all ways, I simply would not have grown so closely with the woman I love so closely, and continue to draw more closely with.

So I am here for My Love for as long as forever is to be forever for us. I love so deeply. My depth of love embraces me so warmly. My expression of how to better express my love for My Dearest Friend, is near the only way I can truly express my love for My Love. So daily I  attempt to build her a foundation from love, to support her best as I can. And I sure am not willing to surrender her to anyone but God. But God did Grace us together.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last.

Thank God Almighty I Have Returned To Love.

I Dearly Love My Dearest Love.

Oh God Please Be Merciful To Her.

i just pray i could hug her all better. I pray my prayers answered.

 yup:(

cancer sucks so badly

i am so very sad my girlfriend is sad

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better

I Pray Unceasingly For Her Healing.

I pray my prayers answered.

i am sad

I am at peace that if God chooses her return,

That Sweetness will be home and at peace.

I will miss her so very much that I pray instead,

And refuse to acknowledge the worse.

I pray my prayers answered.

And dance in delight that my prayers have been answered,

And Jesus has thrown away the cancer and made her whole.

And I continue to pray. And pray. Unceasingly. I pray my prayers answered.

cancer sucks so badly

scary mean beast

i am sad

and she

And we are at peace either way.

And time will tell.

And time will tell.

And dance in delight that I have said the word only. And she has said the word only.

i am so very sad for my girlfriend.

i just pray i could hug her all better.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

And I pray. And I pray.

And I pray she is healed.

I pray my prayers answered.

And cancer still sucks.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

i pray i could comfort her everyday

i just pray i could hug her all better.

I pray my prayers answered.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. And now I pray as unceasingly as possible as I pray for Jesus to touch His healing touch and say the word only, and Sweetness will be healed by the power of the Holy Ghost. Amen.

Dear God Almighty, I am so deeply praying that My Dearest Bestest Friend Ever, My Love Sweetness, does NOT have cancer. Please strike that evil devil's rebuke from her body and heal her whole and clean from any cancerous affliction. OH PLEASE GOD ALMIGHTY.

As when I look upon her face.

 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting her. 

And I am so ever very grateful. 

Amen. Ima Sober Alcoholic

Communication. I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time.

 We are suitably matched. We communicated.  Communication is key. We are closer still. Time will tell. As I grow closer to Jesus, too I grow to love myself, and too grow learning how to better love My Love. God blessed me with his precious gift Sweetness, and where my treasure is, also is my heart. What a beautiful relationship we are building. I am blessed.

Thank You God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Thank God Almighty two awesome amazing and imperfect people such as the two of us, did meet someone capable of loving the other unconditionally. 

I could never experience this depth of love, once upon another time. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.