Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly I love My Lady. I am forever grateful that I love My Lady as much as I do. I never fully understood the depth of which loss of hope to be with someone forever can reach until now. I feel such great loss right now.

Should I still call her My Lady when she will never really be My Lady? You see my mind is learning from all of this and I need to learn more greatly. You see I love her beyond description using what I believe is my expansive vocabulary. My heart breaks greatly as I now understand why she could not promise me forever. I thought I needed to earn the status of forever; not that there truly will be no forever for us. I still want and need to call her My Lady as I have always prayed to meet and know and date a woman as wonderfully beautiful in every aspect as My Lady.

She's the best friend I have ever known. My heart is sad. She's a lady and she's my best friend however she's not My Lady anymore than there is a forever for us. I am torn. How much affection should I show her without making her uncomfortable. Do I continue to share with her how much I love her? Do I continue to express Gvgeyuhi (That I love her so greatly that I will give my life to save hers>) Or do I quietly slow down on sharing with her how great my love is for her, so as to not make her feel awkward. You see what is easy for some gets overplayed in my mind with doubt. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. I want always to be able to express to her how much I love her. I want to until she meets someone who can provide her with all of that of which I cannot, like financial security.

I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

My love is so great for My Lady I will carry her in my heart and mind and soul forever. 

If there really is such a thing as a Soulmate, I have met mine and enjoyed life to the fullest.

Time for me to remember the love we share forever.

Time for me to move myself mentally into a new place in my mind and being and soul.

Time for me to remain single for my life's duration. I just don't want to lose at this depth again. I am not afraid to love again. I have only love to offer and that is not enough to proceed in life with any woman much less My Lady.

I will continue on in life alone as I do not want to hurt like my who being is breaking ever again forever.

Thank god almighty I Am Sober. I Am sober At Last And Loving Sobriety For Seven Years Now. 

I am grateful to experience all that I have experienced with My Lady.

I remain sad that I will not be living soberly forever with My Lady.

Thank you for reading this and I might write again when never becomes now again.

I feel so lost right now.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her. 

Neurotypical VS Neurodivergent. 2 Days Till 7 Years.

 If I could wish a wish it would be to wish I wish I knew how to immediately be accepted for who I am instead of having to conform to what all the neurotypical expect. Doubting myself about how I am acting and whether or not it is acceptable? Just being me in time and space and the day only to realize how I thought everything went wasn't necessarily that way. Go figure. Go figure? If I could wish a wish to wish upon it would be to wish a wish and wish to understand just why I cannot just be me?

Sober doesn't make this any easier for me to understand how not to be me and how to conform and watch what I am saying afraid that I may offend by just thinking and being me and how God made me. Yes I realize that is one heck of a bad run on sentence however I liked the stream of consciousness writing there so I went with it and since I am Neurodivergent and this is my blog and I can get away with being different here I am just going to plain plane plane write as I see right. Got to get out of wishing.

Wishing doesn't work. 

Praying silently and listening that is more like it. When I talk with God I ask of Him nothing for myself. You see if I ask nothing for myself and everything for others then He will bless me. He has protected me throughout my life, even in the stupidest of my times. So I pray for others. Until now. Because now I keep praying to God to make me understand what it is like to be like how most everyone else is being neurotypical. I used to personally celebrate the fact that I was different than most other people. Now I pray God along with all else I pray for others, to now help me understand enough how for me to be like most others that I blend in and don't offend. 

I love myself and accept myself for who I am. I just wish everybody in the world accepted everybody for who they are. I mean I am sober and against all odds I will be 7 years sober in a day and a half.  I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am learning to look forward and not backwards. Forwards to what I do not know and towards what I do not know. And so loving My Lady. And learning to be a better man. A better sober man than I am now. And still I pray I knew how I could wish a wish to wish upon and wish a wish and wish to understand just why it is not acceptable just be me the neurodivergent, while most of you all enjoy being your boring old neurotypical selves? And I want better friendships and a stronger relationship.

I keep praying I learn fast enough how not to be so awkward. 

Thank God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost I Am Sober. I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.