First Request I Have Received.

 I am actually quite flattered that my spiritual leader asked me when I was going to blog again.

Well I've been learning to recall the assaults committed against me as a youth. Quite tough actually. Thankfully My Dearest has been helping through my memory recall. She is teaching me how to be a better me than I have ever been. Her strength in psychology, physiology, naturopathy, etc., has been a great help. Her knowledge of philosophy and biblical studies has helped me grow stronger than I have ever been. She helped me identify that what I had suspected for years was indeed that I have Asperger's and that I am neurodivergent.

Awesome to finally understand as to why I am so different compared to most other folks. I am actually quite happy to be different. However My Dearest introduced me to "Big Bang Theory" and boy howdy Sheldon and the other characters are sometimes like me. 

Thank God Almighty I Am Free At Last From Booze.

Honestly and not to be glib, I just don't ever think about booze, much less think about drinking booze again.

7 Years free this come 6 August.

Thanks Mike for the inspiration to ketchup lol.

Feeling Enough Is Like Not Enough.

 Spending so many years drinking my life away also means I drank my lifetime earnings ability down my gullet too.  Always have struggled with that those thoughts since I sobered up. My last relationship with Agent X, who really enjoyed putting my financial inabilities down and forefront, helps keep in my recalls forefront my inability to even meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that somebody who can meet her needs would come along with an offer better than me. Yes insecurities.

Please pray I get more job offers and especially a real job. Maybe a more secure one.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Walking on Earth sure is awesomely better than when once upon a time when I actually lay beneath the floor of hell peering up drunk.

I AM TELLING YOU WHAT, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM SOBER AT LAST. 

And one way or another I will continue attempting to meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Trying

 I am not perfect

I try to be as perfect as possible

I fail sometimes

I am not perfect

I keep trying

Minute by minute

Day by day

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

Even tho I am not perfect

I fail sometime

However that's okay

I am not perfect

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will keep trying

I will succeed 

Because I keep trying

And I will Keep Trying

Ya Know, It's Still My 80 Month Sobriety Anniversary.

 Ya know it's tough unlearning things I learned and or drank away from remembering why I respond to certain things certain ways. Both from repressed memory of my two childhood assaults, and from unlearning responses learned from may years of living in the household of my dad's. Totalitarian to say the least. Absolute on good days.  I had to unlearn those behaviours first while still drinking and after two failed marriages, and then after sobering up. Tough realizations to say the least. And now in the absolutely purest relationship I have experienced in life I am still struggling unlearning old behaviours and responses. Figured out Easter on the way home that my expectation for a holiday has been shaped from dad, both ex-wives who were like my dad, and my most recent and first sober relationship. So boy did I do a big fail in my response with a conversational shift from awesome to a relationship difficulty. I post this for to example that even when things are difficult for me in my relationship, I am growing forward free from any mental encumbrances. Difficult for me to transition and scary to imagine losing this relationship.  My personal growth up and away from conditioned responses from once upon a time a long long time ago. 

So I am sad and scared that I will not make the grade and rise better, rise good enough to continue building a relationship with My Lady.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober And Free To Live.

HAPPY 80 MONTHS SOBER ANNIVERARY TO ME.

Scary A. F.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Usually food which has been cooked with some wine or flavored liquor has not given me any issues.

Easter dinner was awesome. My Lady fixed perfect pork loin, lamb chops, roasted carrots, asparagus and Portobello mushroom risotto, mashed potatoes, fruit tarts.....And sent home leftovers for me to enjoy afterwards.

When I got home I wanted something to eat before bed. Sooooooooooo I ate almost 2 cups of the asparagus, Portobello mushroom risotto. I had the back of the throat taste and smell of wine. I felt like I had drank some wine after eating the risotto. (I am very sensitive to alcohol as I fortunately/unfortunately discovered 5 December 2018 when I was mistakenly served a bloody Mary and not a virgin bloody Mary)  Scared THE SHIT NEAR OUT OF ME. I threw out all of the risotto. My girlfriend worked so hard and long to create the risotto. I am so sorry I didn't realize sooner that I might have an issue with eating food prepared with wine/booze and 

Whether the taste triggered a conditioned response, or I really did feel the alcohol and it had not properly cooked off,

I have to do my due diligence better. I just have to ask My Lady in the future what has wine/ethanol cooked into it so I am able to avoid the booze in the future. Scared the shit out of me that I enjoyed the risotto so much until I wondered if the booze flavor in it was also an attractant to me. Hated throwing away food however I will never drink booze again, and had to remove it.

Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. And Now I Had Better Watch What I Eat.

Rewritten For You My Lady. Each Sunrise and Sunset.

 

Each Sunrise and Sunset

Each Sunrise and Sunset have I known before in life, 

Never were they as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered Yours My Lady. 

Every voice I have heard,

Has never been such a serene song,

As when my ears fill with your musical lovely voice My Lady.

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon your face My Dearest. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, 

He blessed me with meeting you,

My Loving Lady. 

And I am so ever very grateful.

For forever whatever our forever is forever to be forever.

My heart is yours My Lady. Forever.

GOD IS GREAT.

 My Beautiful Lady is healed.

Faith is amazing.

No cancer is the best sound EVER!

By God The Father, God The Son, And God The Mother Holy Ghost, My Dearest Loving Lady Has Been Healed.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. For Forever Whatever Forever Is, So Help Me God I Am Sober Forever Whatever Forever Is. Sobriety Is The Only Way For Me. Forever!

And I Pray To God For My Love's Healing.

 And I Pray To God For My Love's Healing.

If'n You'd Told Me Of My Growth, I'd've Laughed Aloud Just Two Months Ago.

 11 weeks today, of being blessed by God with knowing my Dearest Love. 

5 days until my 6 year and 6 month sobriety anniversary. 

Staying sober is for me. Nobody could influence me but me to remain sober. It was me finally being tired of looking up from under the floor of Hell and seeing all the other folks in Hell walking around above me. Just could NOT take another day as a fricking drunk.  Was easy to quit actually. Had to move forward. Did not know what I faced ahead, I just internally knew I could not continue trying to sustain life as a fricking drunk. My life so I may call it as I see it. I just knew there was something better than falling into Hell nightly. I still do not understand white knuckled sobriety. Met a gentleman who after four years of sobriety, still struggles with the demons of his addictions.  I am so blessedly glad that I am free at last from my drunken stupor having nearly drank myself to death. And then I quit. No AA or Celebrate Recovery. And definitely no treatment center. Just sick to nearly honest death of drinking to near death nightly. The emotional up and down of addiction tired me near to death.  And God's blessing of keeping me free and clear from buying any booze after my initial adios to drinking alcohol. 

Through both parent's deaths my first four months of sobriety and I never ever thought of any return to Hell and under.  Just remaining sober. And then right after my 6 year and 9 month sobriety anniversary, God blessed me. I honestly prayed deeply to God for a woman who is a Christian, who is ready for a relationship and that I was able to be the man for the woman He chose to bless me with. And I met My Dearest Love. Her determination in life is to be in a relationship with me but only if I never drink. Now since I never quit drinking for anyone except me, binding myself to my deepest word upon my heart to God that I never break; and never will. I can not ever return to under the floor of Hell. I am in heaven and closer to God than I have ever been. And Then He blesses me to meet My Dearest Sweetness. And grow unto myself tenfold of what I personally was ever able to grow. And My Dearest Love is such a tender loving woman who cares deeply for my growth and much as I car for hers. Personally I know that I am here writing this a way deeper thinking and caring man than I have ever been. And my expression of love to My Love is by acts of love. To vacuum her home's carpet. (And My Love noted to me that I vacuumed her bathroom throw carpets. I explained that I didn't cut corners in our relationship and I wasn't going to cut corners by not vacuuming All of her home.) You know loving and kind and tender tasks to make her life better. In anything I can do for her to build for her a better life. Learning how better provide for her in all ways. This also builds me a better human than I ever was. And And And this brings my heart soaring greater within my chest to such a welling of joy that we have been blessed by God with each other.

Thank God Almighty That I Am Sober. And Growing Deeper. Thank God Almighty.

I Am So Vain

 All my deep prayers of healing for My Love, and vainly I presume my life is forever. I could be killed while driving a rideshare passenger and leave Sweetness without me here for her.  I will die twice if God does not allow me to be her St. Michael and defend her against all evil.

No one. Nobody. Will ever hurt My Love while I stand with her. I have been relearning some hits and bunches and pen stabs for I will die defending My Love. And I am not joking. Violence is NOT me however and I do add a qualifier, I will aggressively violently attack anyone who is an emanate threat with what I have learned in life to prevent another attack....of violence...which was perpetuated upon me by Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas.  His attack on me in college leaves me with a gradually increasing nerve damage which I am constantly overcoming by auxiliary usage of that hand to shoulder. God help me if I ever see Dr. D.H. D.V.M. Dallas in a crosswalk because I WILL RUN THE MO FO DOWN AT HIGH SPEED.

And that is why through my life sense then I have gone to the aid of those who are in need of assistance. More than a dozen college students who lived on my dorm floor watched as (DR Mengele now) twisted my left arm so far behind my back that my fingers touched my head. No need to explain the guy who now is a pastor of a large church in OKC, constricting my wrist with a belt and stretching me out the opposite way cruciform. And the humiliation of nobody coming to my aid. AND THE COLLEGE AND LOCAL POLICE DOING NOTHING BUT DEFERING HIM TO THE UNIVERSITY WRESTLING COACH FOR PUNNISHMENT.  THIS SUBHUMAN BEAT UP MANY PEOPLE AND WAS A DATE RAPIEST AS I LATER RESEARCHED AND REALIZED.

AND I WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ANOTHER HUMAN EVER.