Prayer Works. Learning Patience. Learning Love.

 Emotional stability.  Thoughtfulness of others and too myself. Always others first. My prayers were for emotional stability and too of self love. Too much in my life had lead me to believe that I did not deserve to be loved and so my life had shown so until 6 August 2014. Learning to truly love myself albeit began with sobering up to conviction of sobriety has been a road. A road which lead me upward and then down upon my knees looking down and then up. Learning to love myself began an amazing growth inwardly and outwardly 16 November 2020 when I met The Most Amazing woman I have ever met. Incredibly  intelligent, quick to laugh and witty as wonderfully witty can be. Incredible dimples and a smile which catches my insides aglow. Just to look at her face makes my breath change and my heart calm. Her energy is so positive and her Christianity is an inspiration and constant reminder that I can do better. Better for Him, myself, and for my love. 

Learning confidence in loving myself, and learning confidence that I am truly worthy of the love being shown to me, is such an amazing gift from God. And learning even more greatly how to return love as it is needed and accepted. Humbling for me to think I know so much and yet realizing that I am so unknowledgeable about how to love.  Humbling that such an amazing woman as with whom is sharing building a relationship with me. Humbling that I have not learned how to love myself and love myself better in order to be building an incredible relationship as we are. Humbling that God chose me for her. Indeed for where my treasure is, there also is my heart. My heart goes with her always, for I love her as deeply as the Bible teaches.

Learning patience has its rewards. 

The more the better for my love I shall try and support always her needs as I support mine also: with the love of God.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober.

Originally Published Here 9 July 2016. Ima Sober Alcoholic. Renamed to: The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet. How will you arise and make your greet?

Original name: "A Lifetime Share.

Et tu?"

It is now named:

___________________________

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I have had my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Believe me when I say this because, I thought myself a connoisseur. 

There are many types of liquor flavors,

I attempted to try them all because of the flavor.

True the flavor; true it is alcohol too.

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you,

Each and everyone of you deserves your lifetime portion of this potion.

Will you also fail your survey of flavors and varieties of liquor just like I did?

And do you believe wrongly or rightly so that unlike me

Alcohol will never become your foe?

Or will it has it already become so?

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

It is not that we choose to breathe or for our heart to beat,

It is though how we choose to live our life,

Which will lead us to our victories.

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol,

And it is not fair of me to be so slovenly as to not share with you.

The world is a pearl in the oyster laying at your feet.

How will you arise and make your greet?

I survived my lifetime share from the world's supply of alcohol.

Et tu?

Ima Sober Alcoholic

Thank God Almighty. He Blessed Me With Meeting Her.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, 

Never have been as bright, 

As since when my heart first discovered hers. 

Every voice I have heard, 

Has never been such serene song, 

As when my ears fill with her music. 

All the faces I have seen, 

Never sparked my totality so full of love, 

As when I look upon her face. 

And I am blessed yes. 

Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her.

And I am so ever very grateful.

Amen. 

Ima Sober Alcoholic

My Heart Has Never Stopped Dreaming. By Ima Sober Alcoholic.

My heart has never stopped dreaming.

My doubts have faded

My life is better either way.

My return to love is forever whatever forever is to be

My Love has not faded. 

My dreams remain whatever forever holds.

My future dream is for My Love to be happiest however she determines best.

My heart can never break about Sweetness, for I honestly purely unconditionally love My Sweetness.

My soul is forever happy whatever forever holds that I risked it all and returned to love.

I returned to love with the most beautiful woman in the World that I shall ever meet.

I love beyond what ever before I realized I could, and love unconditionally.

I am forever whatever forever is Awesomely delighted My Love is with whom I returned to love with, whatever forever is.

I am forever whatever forever is indebted To My Loving Sweetness for dancing in our warm embrace for whatever forever hold.

 And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is That My Loving Sweetness Is Happy Forever Whatever Forever Is.

Ima Sober Alcoholic 

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life, Never have been as bright, As since when my heart first discovered hers. Every voice I have heard, Has never been such serene song, As when my ears fill with her music. All the faces I have seen, Never sparked my totality so full of love, As when I look upon her face. And I am blessed yes. Thank God Almighty, He blessed me with meeting her. And I am so ever very grateful. Amen. Ima Sober Alcoholic

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. This is about how I feel. I am trying to meet My Love's vocalized needs. One of which is my not asking what she's doing daily as that can be construed as control, as in tracking somebody. So I do not know if I am doing this correctly? Am I not supposed to ask what she's doing for the week? Will I be intruding on her space, when I am interested in her day and plans, just because I care and want to know about more of what she is enjoying? Finding out what she's doing at the last minute is interesting for me. I long to be there a part of a couple of people in a relationship invited as us, and cannot. I would have it none other way because that's her stated need. I am learning about myself. Real new inner examination. And I do not know what to share and ask about and share what my needs are without intruding into what My Love has stated that she needs. I feel like I am loosing out by not being able to ask more without feeling as though I am intruding. How will I know since I feel I should not ask as that would be intrusive of me? And so I will do because of my deep infinity I have never felt of another human as my life has bloomed in our relationship. And so whatever must be done to build our trust I will do.

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. Not being able to at this time, share with the world that we are a couple leaves me feeling a bit as a second. My feelings. Necessary at this point in her life. Because I love her unconditionally I must do as is best for her. And be there for her. How do I share my feelings and still have her confident in knowing, that the boundaries she needs and has asked for as I do provide; honestly leaves me speechless sometimes because I do not want to add any more strain on her life, and only truly want to add and build for her life (alas praying for our life); so what else do I do but to maintain the boundaries she's asked me to maintain. How do I try and maintain those of her stated needs, to inquire as to when they have been changed? At what point will I know when my marching orders have changed? 

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. Doubt? Well not really; let's call it loving someone so deeply that I am willing to wait for her growth. Growth I am earnestly praying in my direction of course. Though deepest still I am praying for her best before God of all of her talents and wisdom and strengths for a long (whatever long is) time as happy as God blesses her. Of course, of course as my heart has never felt such love as I feel. Oh if'n I only knew what to do. Should I even ask if we are going to church, or should I just let it happen? I wish I knew? devil get your doubt out of my head. Jesus fill my mind and soul and body, so I may better understand and do Your will for me in this relationship. And grow better for me. Better for You. Better for the woman I profess to You for whom I love such a deep connection. And so I must now meditate and pray from Him for what I should do as I do not know. And so I go on bended knee to pray; how better can I serve Him in order to better be a better partner. 

My feelings are nobody else's responsibility. And so I pray how I can do better today: for God, My Love, and myself. Time will tell as I will continue to try learning how best to love God, myself and my girlfriend.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. I go about my way learning how to love another better than I have ever known before. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last to experience this such as great a love I have ever felt. Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. Amen.

Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last, as I muddle my way through this all learning all the way as I go. And Praying unto you that I have this relationship right by all.

Each sunrise and sunset such I've known before in life,

Never have been as bright,

As since when my heart first discovered hers.

Every voice I have heard,

Has never been such serene song,

As when my ears fill with her music.

All the faces I have seen,

Never sparked my totality so full of love,

As when I look upon her face.

And I am blessed yes.

Thank God Almighty,

He blessed me with meeting her.

And I am so ever very grateful.

Amen.

Ima Sober Alcoholic..............Thank God Almighty.

I Never Went Back To Sleep. I Returned To Love With The Most Beautiful Woman In The World That I Shall Ever Meet. And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is.

 I never went back to sleep from my early awakening this morning. I tried though. And each time I fell asleep I awakened realizing I had accepted the future whatever the future was. With My Love and I as deeply dear friends, or returning to a better us and a relationship forever whatever forever really is.

My heart has never stopped dreaming.

My doubts have faded

My life is better either way.

My return to love is forever whatever forever is to be

My Love has not faded. 

My dreams remain whatever forever holds.

My future dream is for My Love to be happies however she determines best.

My heart can never break about Sweetness for I honestly purely unconditionally love My Sweetness.

My soul is forever happy whatever forever holds that I risked it all and returned to love.

I returned to love with the most beautiful woman in the World that I shall ever meet.

I love beyond what ever before I realized I could and love unconditionally.

I am forever whatever forever is Awesomely delighted My Love is with whom I returned to love with, whatever forever is.

I am forever whatever forever is indebted To My Loving Sweetness for dancing in our warm embrace for whatever forever hold.

 And I Shall Forever Be Grateful For Whatever Forever Is That My Loving Sweetness Is Happy Forever Whatever Forever Is.

No Getting Around It

 I love MY Love.  I already miss our deep connecting communications. I awoke after little more than 5.5 hours of sleep. I awake with thoughts of the woman I love. I have never awakened so loving somebody and get a stomach ache. I feel at peace although the peace I feel is that she has determined to return East and closer to where her family is. She replaced one picture of the beach from Christmas after replacing it with a picture of mine with a second picture of the beach. She shared she loves the beach and wants to return to it. Her second picture of the beach she replaced with for her Facebook picture, a friend asked if she had returned there, she replied no that she really wanted to..............................I want her to be happy so deeply from within myself that I have already accepted that she is moving away from here, at least in her mind..................................... The peace I felt last night I am wondering if the calm I felt two nights ago was really her prayers that I would be okay after she leaves.............Maybe not.  I am reading so many different signals right now.

I am felling a million losses right now so I am not sure of what I am receiving as a message anymore. I don't know if I am unable to feel what she feels or if our connection is fading. Anyway I look at it I am very happy My Love is seeking out what will really bring her a the greatest happiness. 

I love her so much I awoke realizing with great sadness that I accept her decision regardless of my hurt because ultimately I love her so unconditionally; and also of my feelings because they are My Greatest Love in my life, and her choice for her best happiness. \At the same sadness for her I am so happy that she will and is happy. My greatest working was that I would bring her happiness. I will be the happiest when My Love is happiest. 

I pray for her forever. Thank God Almighty I am sober.

Thank God I am sober and experiencing the full love of this our relationship whatever the future holds for each of us independently,

I only ever worked to bring My Love Happiness. And I am Happy when My Love is Happiest. And if I am unable to bring her happiness that I love her enough to accept this. With caveat of my deepest sorrow of seeing her go.

I am so very Happy for My Love. Thank God Almighty I am Sober and am feeling every experience of our relationship. I shall never whatever the future circumstance be anything else excepte deeply and truly and honestly so deeply loving this woman that I shall carry her in my heart until my own physical death.

I am deeply happy My Love is Happy. Thank God Almighty I am sober.

Building. Loving. Praying. I Have Never Loved Another Such As I Love My Lovely Sweetness.

 I am praying emotional stability throughout my day. What is it? How to build mine stronger? How to view what I need to fix, build stronger what is good, and discard what is harmful. And of course will it be enough. Am I enough? And is my sadness appropriately being shown? Am I man enough? Is it okay for me to be sad? It's not about me anyway. It is about her needs. What does she need and how can I provide for her what she needs? Am I emotionally stable enough? My two and dear female friends share with me that I need do more. 

I am loving Sweetness throughout the day and praying unceasingly for her peace, wellness, and strength to carry her through with courage.  Of course I pray for her. I feel such a connection. A deeply unabating connection. Last night I was feeling so down. And then suddenly a whoosh of Heavenly peace washed over me. Like a wave of peacefulness, and I suddenly felt calm and at peace. I knew My Love was praying for me then. I text her, "You must be praying real hard?" She replied, "Y" And I replied, "I can feel your prayers." "Good." She replied. Sweetness has never shared with me if she can feel me too as I can feel her from a distance. 

I have never been angry or upset with her decision for a step back. I am solely responsible for how I feel and no one else. That I hurt is my responsibility and they are my feelings. No she has not hurt me by what she needs to do; I can only love her more and let go. I cannot hold her back from her decision of what she must do to survive. It is her life and never mine. Yes I'd like to join my life with hers and vice a versa however, it is still her life and my life incorporated into something greater. Maybe not forever, but why not till the ending days of one of us. Isn't that "forever"?

Alas, I am grateful for this blog. I utilize it now as I did in the past. To better understand my thoughts. To better understand my sober thought more in particular. To better understand my life better. And especially now to better understand what my life needs improving upon. Most especially now how I can build myself stronger. Strong enough to truly be emotionally stable enough to be the man my Sweetness needs and most importantly a man she deserves. Me. A better me. A me who is emotionally stable. 

I am praying nonstop for the health, wellbeing, strength, soul, heart, mind, body, her very depth I pray for because I truly, honest to God love her. And I am praying for her future happiness regardless of whether we will ever return to being us. 

I love her enough to seek out the life she needs and wants for her best interest.  I love Sweetness so much I am prepared to sadly watch her depart from my life and move away. I desire her to be happy wherever she needs to go to be happy. I love her that much unconditionally. 

If she were not happy building a life with me, I would regret holding My Love back from what she desires. Whatever she desires and makes her happy ultimately will bring me the greatest happiness. Writing this paragraph here is making me cry so hard that I am having trouble seeing the keyboard. I really want and need for My Love to be happiest where she needs to be. I love her that much.  Thank God Almighty I  Am Sober. Thank God Almighty I am sober to feel such depth of emotion for another human being enough to desire more than what I want or need, in order that My Love is truly Happy with her life. I desire her happiness above mine when it comes to this relationship. I desire My Love's happiness more than mine; is an emotion I have never felt for another. I desire My Love's happiness.

Thank God Almighty I am sober. I have never felt such love for another human being besides my daughters. I have never loved another such as I love My Love.

Goodnight. Maybe tonight is the night I will sleep restfully. Time will tell.

I have never honestly loved another unconditionally such as I love My Love.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace.

God Almighty please bring My Love your unconditional and everlasting peace. Amen.

Good Reason To Be Scared. I Am Not Feeling Bodily Well.

 Went to bed by about 10pm. awoke with runnies at 0600 exhausted. Went potty several times and fell back asleep dizzy. I am dizzy now. No other signs or symptoms. Just tired and dizzy. Eight 8 hours of sleep followed by another two hours of sleep and I am wrung out. I feel physically as though a cloud is in my brain. Although I clearly can think, it is as though a fog is clouding my day throughout my mind. I do not have the expounding energy that I have experienced the past few days.

I only took 25mg of diphenhydramine, yesterday in the last 4 hours of being awake. NO ETOH AND I MEAN NONE. Ate a little breakfast and no lunch and a dinner Norman brought over which was from the food bank which was a 3 pound food service bag of prepared frozen chicken/beef taco meat. Tomatoes, an apple. 1/2 gallon of water. GABA I took at 8pm not 4 because of sadness I forgot ond was thinking and blogging. Subling under the tongue drops of one on time. Coffee extruda late and off timing by 2 hours and only took X2 dose not X3. 

I feel F'd up. Like I am wasted which really sucks because I need to earn money towards everything thereby necessitating I drive rideshare and make money God Help me. Lack of sleep; lack of money; doubt of what will eventually happen ultimately with Sweetness and I , even though God's got my worry I keep taking it back to carry myself. No doubt, just real concern for My Love's wellbeing. I want to be there for her to assist in all manners as I have done since we met for her and now she has to do these tasks which I can do better for her to help her strengthen her life.

By this time in my blogging over the past couple of weeks, I am energized at this point on the blog page. I am not today. I still feel really F'd Up still. Concerned yes. I am praying I do not get worse before my appoint with Dr. Sweetness. No I am not going to bother her. She has more important patients to see. I will do fine eventually I am praying while driving and lift from the fog wrapping my thoughts with a cloud. I can think ok although my head feels like it is wrapped inside with gauze. Concerned yes however there is nothing to do but pray I get better throughout today and definitely before Thursday at 1000 AM when my appointment with her is. She definitely doesn't need the worry of me right now. She's got enough shit on her plate without me bothering her. I will get through this myself just as I have done before. 

Pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my ass working without excuse. Nobody is going to help me except me. Only person I can count on. usually. is me. If I don't get'er done nobody will do it for me. Besides I do not want My Love to be concerned neither do I wish or want her to think I am a schlep and just seeking attention to see her. I am not. I don't feel normal right now, whatever normal is for me. 

And I gave her my word which means infinitely lots to me. I gave her my word I will not bother her. I am in line to see her like every other patient of hers. I respect her deeply and I def don't want her to think I am seeking attention. And now I am really glad My Love doesn't read my blog. I will deal with this myself without adding strain and worry to her day. I am praying a beginning resolution comes my way beginning with my Thursday doctors visit. And I appreciate any friends who read this knowing it is me to remain silent out of respect for My Love and me. Her plate is full. 

Please pray for me. Tomorrow is my 6 years and 5 month anniversary. Hopefully USA's civil war doesn't begin tomorrow. I promised I will remain close enough to My Love to support and protect her as long as possible. I sure wish she would accept my $1000 dollars cash or credit card loan to fix her broken tooth. I am so worried about her inner strength right now since concerns of how she looks fill her head right now. She is beautiful tome. I have never known a more beautiful woman in my life. 

Well time to stop writing and hit the road. Ain't nobody gonna do it for me. And what good am I as a potential spouse when I have no potential. So on I drive. 

I still feel as I have described above without change due to my blogging. I can think clearly, just with the feeling that the outside of my dura matter is wrapped about between it and my skull. Got to get it done and make money. Please pray for my health and wellbeing to grow strong again. Thank you and peace. 

Thank God I Am Sober. Sober and free from my addiction. Thank God Almighty Indeed for I am forever grateful for my sobriety. Gotta be well enough to celebrate my 6 and 5 anniversary tomorrow. Actually I will go on the little pre-sunrise hike regardless of how I feel. It is my anniversary and I will keep my plans even if I feel like sheet tomorrow morning too. I am sober now and forever, and if'n God choses my life to end tomorrow on my hike that I am soberly celebrating my anniversary the second best way I know how because of circumstances being what they are, then so be it. At least I was sober and living life the best I could. Oh boy now I have a headache. Day is only getting better. Time will tell how well I am.

Sobriety is awesome. My sadness I pray abates into acceptance soon for I am sad. I am tired. But F-ing A regardless I am sober and that really is all that really matters at my ending. It is what it is.

Thank God I Am Sober At Last. Amen.

I Am Scared To Go To Bed. But I Must.

 Scared because I probably will not sleep. How much? How long? If? And if I will go back to sleep once awakening again. I am exhausted. Physically exhausted. But I am sober. My heart I am tired.