My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly. I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her. 

Neurotypical VS Neurodivergent. 2 Days Till 7 Years.

 If I could wish a wish it would be to wish I wish I knew how to immediately be accepted for who I am instead of having to conform to what all the neurotypical expect. Doubting myself about how I am acting and whether or not it is acceptable? Just being me in time and space and the day only to realize how I thought everything went wasn't necessarily that way. Go figure. Go figure? If I could wish a wish to wish upon it would be to wish a wish and wish to understand just why I cannot just be me?

Sober doesn't make this any easier for me to understand how not to be me and how to conform and watch what I am saying afraid that I may offend by just thinking and being me and how God made me. Yes I realize that is one heck of a bad run on sentence however I liked the stream of consciousness writing there so I went with it and since I am Neurodivergent and this is my blog and I can get away with being different here I am just going to plain plane plane write as I see right. Got to get out of wishing.

Wishing doesn't work. 

Praying silently and listening that is more like it. When I talk with God I ask of Him nothing for myself. You see if I ask nothing for myself and everything for others then He will bless me. He has protected me throughout my life, even in the stupidest of my times. So I pray for others. Until now. Because now I keep praying to God to make me understand what it is like to be like how most everyone else is being neurotypical. I used to personally celebrate the fact that I was different than most other people. Now I pray God along with all else I pray for others, to now help me understand enough how for me to be like most others that I blend in and don't offend. 

I love myself and accept myself for who I am. I just wish everybody in the world accepted everybody for who they are. I mean I am sober and against all odds I will be 7 years sober in a day and a half.  I am proud of what I have accomplished. I am learning to look forward and not backwards. Forwards to what I do not know and towards what I do not know. And so loving My Lady. And learning to be a better man. A better sober man than I am now. And still I pray I knew how I could wish a wish to wish upon and wish a wish and wish to understand just why it is not acceptable just be me the neurodivergent, while most of you all enjoy being your boring old neurotypical selves? And I want better friendships and a stronger relationship.

I keep praying I learn fast enough how not to be so awkward. 

Thank God, Jesus, and The Holy Ghost I Am Sober. I Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic. Reprinted From 2/9/17.

 November/December 2008 Issue 

Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect
By Amy J. L. Baker, PhD
Social Work Today
Vol. 8 No. 6 P. 26

PARENT ALIENATION SYNDROME ARTICLE LINK

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent 
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict 
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios 
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

Parental Alienation Syndrome- Beyond Just Being A Practicing Alcoholic.

Sure As Shoot.

 After way way way too too much money spent in repairing my vehicle, it wouldn't start today. I am aghast with everything. I take three steps forward to get my life on for myself, and BAM I get knocked three quarters of a mile backwards. I am running out of money soon. I just want to work. My back injury has been healed by God. My pain went from 85% to 15% literally overnight. Prayers are answered. I don't know what I would have done if my pain had not alleviated as immediately. I begged God to take away my pain so that I could take care of myself and build myself stronger physically. and begged God at the same time to allow me to show my lady what I am really made of. That I am more than a lion. I am a lion of God.

Once again my vehicle is getting towed away to hopefully, prayerfully, be repaired so that I can earn money with it before I hit financial ruin. I am trying and keep failing. What a major drag and bummer. It's my birthday tomorrow and I am struck without a vehicle and without money to rent a vehicle. Up the old highway without a paddle or something like that. It's hard for me to find any humour because there is so little to find funny. My heart breaks too still that I cannot be my lady's husband, you see I love her in more than one way and too private to write here.

I have a job interview over the phone with a school in Florida which my lady has also applied to. One position. I thought there were two when I applied and was invited to answer a second round of questions. I answered the questions and also refused an offer to interview. They requested I interview with them anyway even given my hesitation that my best friend was far more qualified than was I and stated the reasons why she is far more qualified than am I. And they still wanted to interview me.  And if I get the job I will may never see the most beautiful woman in the world again. And I love her so much that my heart will break unrepairable. I just want to build a life together better than any either of us have ever know possible to exist. I love her that much.

Oh the challenges of this summer. I really want her to get the job as it is the dream job in education that she has always wanted and I believe really deserves.

And so I am competing for the one person on Earth that I would give my life for. Not good at all. I will interview anyway and do my best. I can after all always refuse the job.

I love myself that much to do my best. And I hate every minute of doing my best. She deserves the job. And she even encouraged me to interview. I want the very best for us both, in the same place on Earth. Who knows maybe we both get hired. 

And so I pray. I love her that much.

I Awoke Feeling Alone Today

 That I had to move on alone in life again. That the relationship we were building isn't forever and that the best team I have ever been honoured to be a member of, isn't anymore. 

That someday soon the opportunity of seeing and sharing time with the person I love so richly, freely, deeply, will be a memory of the greatest time in my life. Of course I want to be with her forever whatever forever is, however she never could promise me forever. So I prayed that God would answer my prayers that we could be forever. I mean He is God and this is so right and good why wouldn't he answer my earnest and honest prayer. It's purely for good so why wouldn't He answer my prayer to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world?

I awoke feeling alone today. Not as alone as I felt last year. I waited meeting women until I knew or could think I knew that their heart was pure. And I met my lady. And truly believed God had matched me with someone who would be my partner. Someone as much my best friend (she still is) and more. My wife.

Why get married at my old age? Someone who I can count on each minute of each day. Someone to be there for and to be there for me. Touch. Companionship. Hugs and kisses and all the growth of being forever whatever forever could be built by us to be happier than ever we had been. That's all. To awaken with my best friend daily and build better each day, that's what I think about getting married at my old age. To experience love and happiness and growth together under the same roof and in the same home sharing life and love the best we can and better more still.

I awoke feeling very alone today. Alone to carry on in life a far better man than ever I thought or prayed or ever dreamed that I could grow. But alone. Alone without her in my life in growing partnership and yes growing deeper together in marriage. That is what I most feel alone about today. That we are not going to be married. That I am not going to get to enjoy being married to the most wonderful wife in the world.

You see I love her that much, and I awoke feeling alone today. Cannot explain fully why. I just awoke feeling alone today. Sober thankfully. Alone unthankfully. 

I love her more than I ever thought was possible to love.

And I awoke feeling alone today accepting that there is no forever whatever forever is for us. And I am so very sad.

I love her that much. She is my best friend, her beauty from out to deeply within is exquisite. 

I awoke feeling alone today. Hollow that my prayers are not to be. I love her that much to want what she wants and forever whatever forever is, is not to be.

I will continue to make my way in life sober. I will continue to make my life without my dreams and prayers answered as to forever, although my dreams and prayers are answered as I have met the best friend I have ever known. I am just so very sad that I can not be her husband.

I am trying so hard to not see this as black and white, and see from the  middle. I just continue to see that I won't be her husband and I feel alone today.

Blessed and sober, and sad.