I really wish I was Neurotypical.
Recently I have posted how I am Neurodivergent so here is several links to explain,
Neurotypical vs. Neurodivergent: What’s the Difference?
Neurotypical Neurodivergent dichotomy
And Asperger's,
Neurodiversity: High Functioning Autism (Asperger’s Syndrome)
On the 18th of June there were 145 views of this blog. Usual traffic is around 5 or 6. WOW I wonder where all the folks from France, Germany, The Netherlands, and The USA found my sobriety blog? July 1st there were 5 views also from those 4 countries.
Sure do hate it (and thankful) when memories come to the surface of my assaults. No amount of alcohol ever erased my recall, which was tucked back in the very recess of my memories. It is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness to shift or change the compounded affects from a lifetime of dodgeballing my way away from remembering recessed details. BAM then recall and dealing with memories (especially remembering yesterday that 5 July was one assault day upon me). Definitely better now to remember and deal with my emotions now, rather than run away from the discomfort of them. Better to heal and deal so that my relationship with My Lady, The Most Beautiful Woman In The World continues growing stronger (I worry about that). Booze is not even in consideration. My release from the grasp of overdrinking and into death is complete. Although daily I work on it as all sober alcoholics should do, I am no longer the moth diving towards the flickering light of the alcoholic pounding down the booze candle.
I will be contacting a cousin of mine who chose to separate herself from the rest of the family: that Uncle's side of the family: and asking her if there were other children the Uncle abused?
Living as a Neural-Divergent now that I know I am such and also an Asperger's person is profound. Realizing events from my past were caused in part and in full by the way my brain thinks SUCKS. Sucks big when I remember the jobs, friends, relationships, possible relationships that I lost or that never came to fruition. My Beautiful Girlfriend says my energy has been down for the past couple of months; and once she shared that, then I realized my mental attention has been working in overdrive to try and not make those mistakes again. My thinking causes me to do things which I think are kind and loving which turn out to be for the receiver to be quite the opposite. Profoundly sucks that my Neural-Divergence and my Asperger's continues to affect my relationship.
I spent many years not liking yes hating myself for who I was. Being different from everyone else has its real sucky moments. Being misunderstood and misunderstanding social "norms" and clues leads to sorrow for me sometimes even now. Not being the man I am supposed to be is profound in the past, now, and in the future. Not fitting in when I really thought I was trying and doing a great job of fitting in sucks.
I am sober today 6 years and 11 months today. I am grateful for today and my sobriety. I love life and living it without the burdens of practicing alcoholism. Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. Sober At Last To Live, Learn, Love without the practicing alcoholics impediments. Never as in this Neural-Divergent Asperger person will never drink alcohol again. My worse day sober is always better than my best day as a practicing alcoholic.
I am actually quite flattered that my spiritual leader asked me when I was going to blog again.
Well I've been learning to recall the assaults committed against me as a youth. Quite tough actually. Thankfully My Dearest has been helping through my memory recall. She is teaching me how to be a better me than I have ever been. Her strength in psychology, physiology, naturopathy, etc., has been a great help. Her knowledge of philosophy and biblical studies has helped me grow stronger than I have ever been. She helped me identify that what I had suspected for years was indeed that I have Asperger's and that I am neurodivergent.
Awesome to finally understand as to why I am so different compared to most other folks. I am actually quite happy to be different. However My Dearest introduced me to "Big Bang Theory" and boy howdy Sheldon and the other characters are sometimes like me.
Thank God Almighty I Am Free At Last From Booze.
Honestly and not to be glib, I just don't ever think about booze, much less think about drinking booze again.
7 Years free this come 6 August.
Thanks Mike for the inspiration to ketchup lol.
Spending so many years drinking my life away also means I drank my lifetime earnings ability down my gullet too. Always have struggled with that those thoughts since I sobered up. My last relationship with Agent X, who really enjoyed putting my financial inabilities down and forefront, helps keep in my recalls forefront my inability to even meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs, and that somebody who can meet her needs would come along with an offer better than me. Yes insecurities.
Please pray I get more job offers and especially a real job. Maybe a more secure one.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober At Last. Walking on Earth sure is awesomely better than when once upon a time when I actually lay beneath the floor of hell peering up drunk.
I AM TELLING YOU WHAT, THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM SOBER AT LAST.
And one way or another I will continue attempting to meet all of My Lady's basic Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
I am not perfect
I try to be as perfect as possible
I fail sometimes
I am not perfect
I keep trying
Minute by minute
Day by day
I will keep trying
I will keep trying
I will keep trying
Even tho I am not perfect
I fail sometime
However that's okay
I am not perfect
I will keep trying
I will keep trying
I will keep trying
I will succeed
Because I keep trying
And I will Keep Trying
Ya know it's tough unlearning things I learned and or drank away from remembering why I respond to certain things certain ways. Both from repressed memory of my two childhood assaults, and from unlearning responses learned from may years of living in the household of my dad's. Totalitarian to say the least. Absolute on good days. I had to unlearn those behaviours first while still drinking and after two failed marriages, and then after sobering up. Tough realizations to say the least. And now in the absolutely purest relationship I have experienced in life I am still struggling unlearning old behaviours and responses. Figured out Easter on the way home that my expectation for a holiday has been shaped from dad, both ex-wives who were like my dad, and my most recent and first sober relationship. So boy did I do a big fail in my response with a conversational shift from awesome to a relationship difficulty. I post this for to example that even when things are difficult for me in my relationship, I am growing forward free from any mental encumbrances. Difficult for me to transition and scary to imagine losing this relationship. My personal growth up and away from conditioned responses from once upon a time a long long time ago.
So I am sad and scared that I will not make the grade and rise better, rise good enough to continue building a relationship with My Lady.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober And Free To Live.
HAPPY 80 MONTHS SOBER ANNIVERARY TO ME.
Usually food which has been cooked with some wine or flavored liquor has not given me any issues.
Easter dinner was awesome. My Lady fixed perfect pork loin, lamb chops, roasted carrots, asparagus and Portobello mushroom risotto, mashed potatoes, fruit tarts.....And sent home leftovers for me to enjoy afterwards.
When I got home I wanted something to eat before bed. Sooooooooooo I ate almost 2 cups of the asparagus, Portobello mushroom risotto. I had the back of the throat taste and smell of wine. I felt like I had drank some wine after eating the risotto. (I am very sensitive to alcohol as I fortunately/unfortunately discovered 5 December 2018 when I was mistakenly served a bloody Mary and not a virgin bloody Mary) Scared THE SHIT NEAR OUT OF ME. I threw out all of the risotto. My girlfriend worked so hard and long to create the risotto. I am so sorry I didn't realize sooner that I might have an issue with eating food prepared with wine/booze and
Whether the taste triggered a conditioned response, or I really did feel the alcohol and it had not properly cooked off,
I have to do my due diligence better. I just have to ask My Lady in the future what has wine/ethanol cooked into it so I am able to avoid the booze in the future. Scared the shit out of me that I enjoyed the risotto so much until I wondered if the booze flavor in it was also an attractant to me. Hated throwing away food however I will never drink booze again, and had to remove it.
Thank God Almighty I am Sober At Last. And Now I Had Better Watch What I Eat.
My Beautiful Lady is healed.
Faith is amazing.
No cancer is the best sound EVER!
By God The Father, God The Son, And God The Mother Holy Ghost, My Dearest Loving Lady Has Been Healed.
Thank God Almighty I Am Sober. For Forever Whatever Forever Is, So Help Me God I Am Sober Forever Whatever Forever Is. Sobriety Is The Only Way For Me. Forever!
