Gvgeyuhi. I Was The Music While The Music Lasted. I Am Sober Thank God Almighty.

Well when I was dating a woman back in 2017 into 2018, I had some kind of cerebral accident. It was probably two small strokes. That same region of my brain which I can feel, has been a spot inside my brain which I can feel. I am aware of some pressure there. I have been having sleep disturbances since 2019 also. A gradual building up to only being able to sleep for from 2 and a half hours of sleep to 3 and half hours of sleep before  awakening wide awake and needing to take an hour or two before I can go back to sleep. I was granted an appointment for yesterday. Then due to complications of the doctor not being allowed to treat me, I still have my sleep disturbances.

Last night with using three medicines the doctor prescribed for me, and 75mg of diphenhydramine, I was awakened by the power going off and my CPAP stopping. I awoke wide wide awake angry. and of course not being allowed to see my doctor because of scheduling conflicts is a bugger and a real life issue I am facing.

I honestly believe if my sleep disturbances do not abate I will die in 2021. I can feel there is something wrong with my brain. I can feel my brain inside my skull and it is not good. i will get through this sleep issue even if it kills me. It is what it is. I am sober and will die sober if it is 20 years from now or this year. I entered this world alone and I shall die from this world alone too. It is what it is. I NEED SLEEP.

I am exhausted daily, and with my 2.5 hours and then  my 3 hours of sleep last night I am f888ing exhausted almost to the point of exhilaration right now. I am exhausted and exhilarated. I've celebrated nearly every monthly and yearly sobriety anniversary alone so another anniversary alone is just what it is. I am sober at last and will remain loving sobriety regardless of the circumstances surrounding me.

I just want, desire, need, am impassioned for sleep.  And add issues of my not being all I need to be for my girlfriend and my mind is galloping fast. Maybe my friend in Cali was correct and I am not ready to date. I believe I am. I have experienced love before, yet not as beautifully wonderful as now I experience. And now because of my imperfections I am royally screwing up this beautiful relationship. Maybe there will be a blessing in all of this. I NEED SLEEP.

 I gave her monetary Christmas present back because she is in need of money and that is my loving way of helping her.

GVGEYUHI = Cherokee for "I Love You." This is not easily translated into English. It means more than just, I Love You.  It really means, " I care for you, that I will give my life for you. I willingly lay down my happiness for yours. That you will eat if I do not. That you will be safe even if I must put myself in danger, and I will protect you with my very breath."   The word gvgeyuhi, when it is used, describes the deepest, most intimate love that you could possibly have for someone. Think of it as something that you would say only to your soulmate. Love, to Cherokee people, is something that is shown, not necessarily spoken. In other words, actions speak louder than words. To say “gvgeyuhi” to someone means that you would literally, and gladly, lay down your life for someone.

I am beyond exhaustion, And just discovered I have been bumped to friendship status. I did not listen to her needs. I thought I did however did not. Poof and my return to love has died. Thank God I am Sober at last. Thank God I am sober at last.

Always Hoped To Help. A Grateful Sober Alcoholic.

Always hoped my blog would help others. When I was writing this initially I had a following, although nobody ever commented. Guess nobody I know who had read this ever found anything worth talking about with me to ever make a comment and no-one ever has. Recognizing I wrote this all along for me. Quite a learning experience. My writing this was another aid in getting me to sobriety. Bummer nobody ever found anything in here worth talking about with me who knows me in person. I guess that is what my lessons about this blog have come down too, my sobriety is most important to me and there will never be a way for me to interest anyone into a conversation about anything I have to say about sobriety, let alone my sobriety. 

My takeaway from all of my writing on this blog is that my sobriety is most important to me first, as it truly can only be. I can invite others to read and respond on what I have to say about me and my life sober, and what lead me to the bottle and back. Of what I found out about myself from just laying out my thoughts onto this form is that I love being sober. I disdain ever the thought of ever consuming alcohol again. Let somebody else take on the burden and see what will happen will happen.  My daughter laughed at me when while in my first months of sobriety as she shared laughingly that she drank alcohol and then asked me what was I going to do about it.  I responded then as I do now, "She knows what she is getting into."

At least my girlfriend accepts me for me. A sober alcoholic. A grateful sober alcoholic. 

My Return To Love. It Is So Bright And Wonderful A Journey.

 The doubt that I will ever be loved by a woman who accepts that I am a recovery sober alcoholic unfortunately, has been long persistent. There is risk in dating anyone, and there is more risk when the other is a sober alcoholic in recovery. This I am aware of and yet my heart longs for a partner with whom to grow. I have searched far and wide where to find the woman God has blessed me to meet. Thousands of internet dating connections and communications with woman from several sites since my quitting the booze 6 August 2014, has taught me many women will not date recovering and sober alcoholics. Talk about bringing personal doubt strong into play. Talk about sadness that I am viewed as broken and unworthy, and or too much of a risk; sometimes with almost that verbiage too. It is what it is. I am Gratefully Sober/Recovering, not numbing myself from reality anymore.

The world I see now is very wide open, without the shuttering by a blurry wall of alcohol. My love of for life has so very much grown as my journey of sobriety progresses. Recognizing my two marriages were to abusive narcists, brought me an amazing amount of liberty from my past and incredible positive growth forward for me. However, the sorrow, pain, and degradation from the last woman and narcist I dated, brought me freedom to understand my past mistakes and walk away in such a way with my head held high showing my pride in of living soberly. 

Scared, sad, determined, and motivated, I recognized that my initial cessation from addiction began my brain's changing its neural chemical messaging. Messaging my brain had not experienced in many decades of my dependence upon intoxication. Add then two friend's and both parent's deaths in my first 5 month's of sobriety, and standing proud sober I knew I was free from drowning my sorrows, fears, doubts, loneliness, and life: I was keenly aware that same resilience/coping skills which I kept throughout all of those initial "triggers", were the same tools which I could achieve my lifelong dream of sobriety forever.  However, those chemical changes take months and months unbeknownst to me. Added then also three failed (2015, 2016, and 2017) attempts to thru-hike the Pacific Crest Trail, Add my daughter's 2016 telling me she would never speak to me again in life, Add my Aunt's and two more friend's deaths, Add not being hired for several jobs because I was told I was too old. Add 2017's realization my daughter was serious, Add my good friend Cory dying from his alcoholism and my energy expelled bring him to a peaceful last two days toward his death, Add meeting energy draining several women, Add too many women sharing with me they wouldn't date a sober/recovery alcoholic no matter how long I was.  AND Add my beginning a relationship with a WWP "woman with potential" to be a good partner; Instead of a relationship with a woman with whom we shared in building our potential together one day at a time.

AND boom I began justifying and accepting inappropriate behaviours and anger which continued to happen. Not that she ever apologized truthfully or fully, instead almost always insisting I was in the wrong. I was drowning in what I now recognize as a "midlife" crisis and needing to hold onto something more than the broken dreams and promises I held onto.  The rope I thought was keeping me from drowning, was instead anchoring me deeper into my depression. CUT her loose as a significant other mid-2018.  Only afterwards upon sharing and talking with many women of my experiences with WWP, did I begin learning and growing. 

Had to pull my ass out of my pits of depression using the same steely determination and resolve with which I broke free six years ago from my intoxication.  ADD freedom from WWP: ADD two years of freedom discovering who I am, And Add knowing my own self-worth. 

AND after two years of exploring myself deeply, learning my minimums I am willing to accept from a relationship, cutting ties with my past sorrows and broken promises to myself and others. 

ADD my willingness of and to change for me first: and for the life I want to share with a woman with whom we share thoughts, desires for and of life.

ADD a very special lady, My Sweetness. We share so much thoughts, feelings, expressions, beautifulness, and desire of and for life. AND most importantly our shared pronouncement of our Christian Faith as Anglicans, through daily prayer and church attendance. 

And so now please ADD,

My return to Love. It is so bright and wonderful a journey. Who know what the future holds? Day by day as it unfolds it is so new and brighter day, each and everyday with My Sweetness and Love. Who knows what the future holds except My Sweetness and me day by day. And day by day my appreciation of who My Sweetness is within her self of self grows. Who knows how long we have. Daily I thank God for the day, and that she and I are together today. Who knows about tomorrow. I Celebrate Today My Return to Love. 

Thank you Sweetness for today. X.O. My Sweetness. Lovingly, King Friday

<3

Return to Love (Christmas Version) Andrea Bocelli  

https://youtu.be/kmKaBYZgxpY 

Heavenly Days

I haven't posted here in over eleven months now.  Still sober from all of course.  Still no word from my daughter.  Had to cut loose two friends this past week.  One is Dave-O whom I've blogged on here in the past especially in 2016-2017. I've been there for him as a friend having saved his life twice through calling sheriff's welfare check.  I've supported him emotionally through phone calls and texting encouraging him and trying to keep alive a friendship which began 35 years ago, drifted apart for 3 years and resumed our friendship 5 years ago. These past two years, one and a half years of his sobriety now, David began to ghost my responses with greater frequency until now I am tired.  Tired of receiving little and no response so frequently to my texts and phone calls and since I deserve a better friendship than what's been offered me by Dave these past couple of years. I have stopped trying. I will respond when and if he responds so we will see.
As to my cutting loose another friend I will write more on that friend at a later time when I have the response formulated.  Only thing I will say for now is that they think they have terminated our friendship. Best for them in the long run to believe they are doing what's best for them and done so from their own inspiration. More on that later after much more thought from me.

Sometimes no matter what you try things just don't work out.
Thank God Almighty Sobriety is mine.
XO Ima Soberalcoholic

Epiphany.

I was asked by my New Mexico friend if I considered sober from alcohol and not from anything else as sober, and I answered yes. I've never been to more than three meetings and those were over a year after my quitting drinking so I have my standard and not clinical standards to follow. Alcohol was killing me quicker and quicker, smoking and dipping were doing so much more slowly. I had to quit drinking or my life would have ended several years ago. My spleen during March and April of 2014 was hurting beyond belief which I just mindlessly attributed to eating poorly. Using a Nurtibullet to make nutritious fruit and vegetable blends saved my life even before I quit drinking. Even before its legalization I held smoking as different; different for me at least.

So today is my four year's and five month's sober which I am and will be forever grateful. There is no going back for me with any of them. I enjoy embracing freedom and my upgrade and turning towards greater growth. So many opportunities at my doorstep and now which way am I going to go?

Learning to be confident in my lowering earning bracket, and praying that I have a relationship in the future with a woman who accepts my heart of love and ability to build a strong relationship, without a large wallet will take time. I will get there and I will get there soberly.

First things first is I need to begin new habits of growing new contacts, you know, socialization. I need more and greater human contact.

Happy sobriety day for me. 

Day By Day And Still Succeeding. Sad Still Tho Not As Bad As I Was Three Month's Ago.

My daughter still hates me and there is still no long term future for me. I am still unable to find full-time employment and currently I am working a grocery job and four different platforms delivering groceries, people, and cooked food.

Not being understood as far as the depression I felt from July through the end of October is a real bummer, especially since my friend from Austin didn't realize how depressed I was and only focused on my not being able to visit her at the end of October.
Day by day surviving was difficult and even rising from bed and facing the day with any positivism was a challenge.
Not being viewed as an equal partner by her also really has been something for me to conquer, especially since I cannot make as much as she has having enjoyed a career as an oil and gas C.P.A.
I can never pay equally as a 100% financial partner with any woman I will date who earns more than me as I have learned, although the next woman I date I pray will be accepting that I will contribute 100% of all else, and do my darnedest to be an awesome financially contributing partner.
Really sucks that my previous girlfriend (the first girlfriend I've had since sobering up) told me that I must be a financial equal partner in everything and she would sell many things of hers so we could live in a place where I could afford to live as 50/50 financial partners.
Everything would be quid-pro-quo tho money wise she shared with me, whether going out to eat, buying groceries, bills. every bill which came along. I tried to accept this however it depressed me also because of the earning disparity.
Imagine she was willing to downsize her stuff so she could live in a place we could equally 50/50 afford, ie a place I could afford to live in contributing 50/50.
I mean she lives in a place right now where her yearly rent could buy a very nice new car.
I just want and need a woman who loves me as the partner I am and my emotional contribution knowing I am honest, loyal, and faithful to our relationship and to her.
I try and I try and I will never surrender on myself, or any partner I am blessed with if'n I am ever so blessed.
This need to try and be equal financial and knowing I will never meet this expectation with her, really made me feel small although I never felt a need to drink, smoke or nicotine use to help me through. The only victory I stand firm on and with is my remaining sober to all previous escapes. I am so grateful that I am sober and victorious. Nicotine sometimes remains a struggle sometimes although I remain free from, I am constantly winning the temptation against nicotine usage.

And my daughter still hasn't spoken to me on the phone, text or emailed with me, or seen me since the summer of 2016. Her Facebook revels that she has come out as bisexual.

Well that's all I want to write right now.
I am thanking God daily that I am sober and free and I will find my way through what I am continuing to feel.

I pray to be blessed to be alive and write another post sooner rather than later.

New Habits Continue Still. Part One.

Around the first of July this year, I delivered groceries to an older gentleman who lives in Government housing.  It was my third delivery of groceries to him.  After he answered the door I brought his groceries into his sixth floor apartment and set them on his kitchen counters. We then spoke about the awesome view he would have of the fireworks display coming up on the forth of July. He shared with me he had lived in the same apartment for twenty years and would probably die there also.  He explained that his doctor had told him he did not have too many more months to live as his health was declining rapidly and this would probably be his last 4th of July. We spoke of a few things more and then I needed to leave and begin shopping my next shop.

Sure did get me to thinking for the first time about how much he and I were similar.  I have no family who cares for me and will be alone as he is when and if I get to be age 80.  Additionally, I drank away anytime I had in order to build a career and a retirement fund. I have nothing financially to plan for with in my retirement than working until I can no more.
Sure did set me in a decline of depression through July and August, and only in these past several weeks have I begun to set myself upright again. NO I have not begun using anything again. I have dealt with my depression slowly and surely and soberly.
I am alone and feel it. I have looked all of this year for a career and not just a job. My days are filled with a sadness which I have never felt before. I will muscle through this as I muscled through earning my recovery and have remained happily sober.
I wish everything I write here was all sunshine and happiness however, life is an interventionist and would not allow me golden thoughts to write right now. 

Finding my way without any close friends to talk with other than my friend in California, and my girlfriend in Austin, has been difficult. I have no friends left here in my hometown who are close enough to talk about this. Those to whom I have reached out to, have other things to do instead of maintaining deep enough contact with me that I may share what I am experiencing and seek their council. So here I am writing this blog to sort out my thoughts and emotions in order to think, write, and then read and review them trying for greater clarity.

I have always persevered and I will do so again this time as well, and I will continue to persevere soberly. Even poor and broke and living in government housing, and dying sober at 80 is better than dying from practicing alcoholism.
I am grateful, delighted, ecstatic, and always thanking God I am sober. While my friend Cory was dying over the course of several weeks from his alcoholism I had some deep reflection about myself. I deserve to die a sober death. Life may feel as though it really sucks right now however, rest assured I enjoy dealing even with the mess of my life sober. I absolutely cannot, will not, ever like totally never go back to drinking.

 PART TWO- Will be a continuation of this writing although I am not sure how much time will elapse before that composition makes it here for all'you'all to read. Hey you know, this is one part of my limited legacy. This is one thing which will remain until the next technology makes this blog obsolete.
Until then rest assured I still THANK GOD ALMIGHTY DAILY THAT I AM TOTALLY SOBER AT LAST.

Peace my readers. May God bless your life also.

The Link To My 2017 Blog For My Now Failed P.C.T. 2660 Mile Thru-Hike

https://staggeringsoberonthepacificcresttrail.blogspot.com/

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

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My thanks to all six of you following by email. Sincerely, Ima.

Four Years Fifteen Days, A.K.A. I Forgot To Blog My Forth Anniversary Until Now LOL.

Sure enough I hit four years and actually forgot to blog about the day.  It'sa a big deal I know as is every day of sobriety. I am not a sober alcoholic who "struggles" or is "white knuckled.' I just do not ever want to drink again. Life sucks, tho not as bad as suffering from full blown practicing alcoholism does. Sure as poo life at its worse is still better than ever drinking again. For me once I began practicing sobriety there will be no turning back.

I read several articles and blogs while searching for my blog on the web. Interestingly enough one article defined sober as not drinking although still white knuckled and struggling to be free; while recovering is dealing with all of the causes and not drinking again.  

Well for sure I am very glad my quitting methodology of the good old fashion, "I'm finally tired and drained emotionally, physically, and Spiritually to the point of exhaustion and will never drink again Thank God" worked. Pretty easy motivator with memories of losses, personal injury, and sorrow driving deep deep desires to never drink again. 

So my other two quits are going fine too. Nicotine still taps my thoughts from time to time, and I resist because I am so far down the road of healing, recovery, sobriety, Celebrating Freedom from everything, and that I am not going to do those stupidities again either. 

There now. Now I have celebrated with words about my deep deep affection, appreciation, compassion and deep abiding love with living my life as a sober alcoholic. And there's no going back.

On another note my N.M. friend whom I've mentioned and rallied about numerous occasions; well he's not communicated with me in four weeks now. I'll keep you posted.

Thank God Almighty.

Indeed Thank God Almighty I Live Free

Ecstatically Joyously Sober.

T.T.F.N.

Ima Soberalcoholic.