Eyes Were On The Bottle.

 Eyes Were On The Bottle.

Eyes were on the bottle

And my heart knew what to do

 I was looking away from you Lord 

While my mind still had drinking to do.

All the while I was thinking 

There's something better than this

Something better than the ignorance 

of my complacent mediocrity.

No I just wasn't ready to lift up my eyes and see 

That you have already always been standing right next to me.

 The Holy Trinity's Grace of Divine Loving Embrace.

With your beautiful hand outstretched 

Waiting for my beginning 

Waiting on my heart, mind and soul to become whole again with you.

Ready to be standing with you and to be holding you close to me.

I stood up knowing that I am 

Stronger than ever before.

Strengthened with your armor 

I stand with you now

As never have I ever stood with you before.

Singing praises from the soul of me, 

Of me singing praises as never have ever been heard before 

of

 The Holy Trinity's Loving Grace of Divine Loving Embrace wrapping its wholeness around me and my soul.

Salvation. I am saved.

Singing praises from the soul of me.

Me singing praises as my ears have never heard before,

of

 The Holy Trinity's Loving Grace of Divine Loving Embrace, 

Wrapping wholeness around me and my soul.

Salvation.

Oh God,

You are merciful to me.

-Hans Pasco C2022 

TESTING SENDING AND FOLLOWING

TESTING SENDING AND FOLLOWING 

Excoriation

Just How I Am Feeling Right Now. I Will Soar Again Soon.

Alone, unneeded and unwanted by anyone right now. 

I've felt alone before. Alone as I feel right now.

Thank God I am sober. My sobriety is mine and I celebrate it daily.  No-one ever asks me how my sobriety is going? It goes quite nicely thank you.

I love life and living it, I am just feeling alone and unwanted by humans right now.

I love taking images of beautiful things and I am surviving right now by taking beautiful images, and sharing them with people I know. Makes my heart feel good sharing beauty with others.

I feel like I am always strong for others, whether or not these are actually real feelings that I am being strong for others.

I really pray and hope and pray that I am strong for others.

I miss having friends who ask me how I am doing way deep down inside.  I have always had to be my best friend. Fuuuing neurodivergence. Fuuuing awkwardness. Fuuuing sadness right now. 

I will overcome these feelings. I always do soberly. I love my sobriety. I love life, I am just down right now and will climb back up. I always do.

I will get over these feelings just as I have before. God and Jesus and The Holy Ghost Mother always take care of me. And sometimes my guardian angel Uriel, I am aware of is standing beside me, sometimes holding me. 

I miss being held and hugged. I miss feeling like I am loved by anyone else besides myself. I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling wanted. I will feel good again soon.

===>>>>Archangel Uriel is known as the angel of wisdom. He shines the light of God's truth into the darkness of confusion. Uriel means “God is my light” or "fire of God."

So I am not alone except here. I have legions of Heavenly Guardians watching over me wanting and needing me.

And thank God Almighty I am sober.

KEEPING THIS SOBRIETY BLOG REAL. THIS IS ONLY HOW I FEEL NOW. I WILL SOAR AGAIN WITH EAGLES SOON.

Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

Let's enjoy today and its opportunities and pray we awaken again to do it all again🙏

My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word. Finite time sucks. Forever sucks unless forever were with her. 

Love is beautiful. I love her so very profoundly deep. She is beautiful.

I am forever grateful that we remain friends for whom I am still allowed to love and support her in whatever way she is most comfortable. To ensure she is safe is important for me because I simply love her that much.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Must Effect Immediate Change

 I must immediately change my thinking into stronger more like everybody else thinking. Not being considered normal is heavy and sad. How to keep my already positive attributes while changing how I think without changing the good parts of me will be an interesting work. I want to be better for all occasions. Friendship, courtship, relationship, workship, sailing smoothly with me understanding quickly what is transpiring and my appropriately responding to almost every occasion reasonably and correctly with arguing or seeming to argue, when in reality I see that I am trying to understand. Arguing is the furthest from my mind. I do not like to argue. I only want to understand.

So today forward I will question every response before I respond. Today forward I will question every action of mine.

And honestly think before speaking. I have heard that before throughout life and now I understand why. And it makes me sad realizing the lost. Looking forward to the gain I have to realize in order to be more like most everyone else. Looking forward to learning more about myself and how to succeed when never before have I really succeeded. In all aspects of my life I really desire to succeed. I have experienced too much sadness from not understanding and not succeeding because I did not understand I was fully at fault. Understanding that I can make a difference in my life is vastly important now to me. How to accomplish my success is daunting yet I somehow know because of the confidence My Lady has in my successes. She believes in my abilities like no one else ever has shared. I really am trying to see in full colour and not just black and white. Her belief in me is awesome. That she has put up with my being so different is a blessing. I can be quite a handful trying to make my way soberly in my second relationship in seven years. My Lady has been very patient through my learning about her, as much as I pray to have been patient in my learning about her ins and outs. 

She has brought me to such a greater understanding of my differences and I am trying to learn how to wield my new relationship within myself to succeed better than ever I have before. That's an easy mark to hit lol. My Lady has opened my world.

I am struggling to accept my neurodivergence, and work away from that tag and redefine myself into the man whom I have always wanted to be. I just want to be the best man in life now.

God grant me the serenity.

God help me be a better me that I know I can be.

Gad thank you for introducing me to My Lady, whom I am forever grateful for loving me even when I have not been too loveable.

God thank you for my sobriety which I love above all else here on earth.

God help my appreciate my being different than most others around, and cast off the weight I feel burdened with by being different than most everyone else.

God help me accept that I have failed in my past, and accept that the is a brighter future now ahead of me.

Dear God I really love and desire more time with My Lady.

God grant me the wisdom to accept that more time with My Lady may not be.

God thank you for creating me for who I am, and for whom I can become with your grace and my working on changing how I think, and thinking before I speak.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.