Hello Hello Hello

 So how are you doing? How is life? Let me share with you how super awesome you are. 

Eyes Were On The Bottle.

 Eyes Were On The Bottle.

Eyes were on the bottle

And my heart knew what to do

 I was looking away from you Lord 

While my mind still had drinking to do.

All the while I was thinking 

There's something better than this

Something better than the ignorance 

of my complacent mediocrity.

No I just wasn't ready to lift up my eyes and see 

That you have already always been standing right next to me.

 The Holy Trinity's Grace of Divine Loving Embrace.

With your beautiful hand outstretched 

Waiting for my beginning 

Waiting on my heart, mind and soul to become whole again with you.

Ready to be standing with you and to be holding you close to me.

I stood up knowing that I am 

Stronger than ever before.

Strengthened with your armor 

I stand with you now

As never have I ever stood with you before.

Singing praises from the soul of me, 

Of me singing praises as never have ever been heard before 

of

 The Holy Trinity's Loving Grace of Divine Loving Embrace wrapping its wholeness around me and my soul.

Salvation. I am saved.

Singing praises from the soul of me.

Me singing praises as my ears have never heard before,

of

 The Holy Trinity's Loving Grace of Divine Loving Embrace, 

Wrapping wholeness around me and my soul.

Salvation.

Oh God,

You are merciful to me.

-Hans Pasco C2022 

TESTING SENDING AND FOLLOWING

TESTING SENDING AND FOLLOWING 

Just How I Am Feeling Right Now. I Will Soar Again Soon.

Alone, unneeded and unwanted by anyone right now. 

I've felt alone before. Alone as I feel right now.

Thank God I am sober. My sobriety is mine and I celebrate it daily.  No-one ever asks me how my sobriety is going? It goes quite nicely thank you.

I love life and living it, I am just feeling alone and unwanted by humans right now.

I love taking images of beautiful things and I am surviving right now by taking beautiful images, and sharing them with people I know. Makes my heart feel good sharing beauty with others.

I feel like I am always strong for others, whether or not these are actually real feelings that I am being strong for others.

I really pray and hope and pray that I am strong for others.

I miss having friends who ask me how I am doing way deep down inside.  I have always had to be my best friend. Fuuuing neurodivergence. Fuuuing awkwardness. Fuuuing sadness right now. 

I will overcome these feelings. I always do soberly. I love my sobriety. I love life, I am just down right now and will climb back up. I always do.

I will get over these feelings just as I have before. God and Jesus and The Holy Ghost Mother always take care of me. And sometimes my guardian angel Uriel, I am aware of is standing beside me, sometimes holding me. 

I miss being held and hugged. I miss feeling like I am loved by anyone else besides myself. I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling wanted. I will feel good again soon.

===>>>>Archangel Uriel is known as the angel of wisdom. He shines the light of God's truth into the darkness of confusion. Uriel means “God is my light” or "fire of God."

So I am not alone except here. I have legions of Heavenly Guardians watching over me wanting and needing me.

And thank God Almighty I am sober.

KEEPING THIS SOBRIETY BLOG REAL. THIS IS ONLY HOW I FEEL NOW. I WILL SOAR AGAIN WITH EAGLES SOON.

My success is at failure. And My Sobriety.

 I sure am not succeeding. Not at finding a job. Not in earning enough money at ridesharing. Not in being able to maintain a relationship. Not in maintaining friendships. 

My success is at failure and my sobriety.

At least I successfully own my sobriety while I successfully fail at everything else.

Failure feels the same sober or drunk. Like failure. And since I am not succeeding at anything well, I am failing. 

I don't even know how to stop failing. I just keep trying to succeed. Maybe one day I will finally figure out how to succeed. No circles of trying to figure it all out. Just vin diagrams on how it all should work. Maybe just doing it like I am and either succeeding or failing like I am doing. 

I miss thinking I was succeeding. I miss my innocence. I miss understanding how to succeed. I wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

All anybody has ever done in my life is tell me how I am going to fail or how I have failed.

I just wish somebody would tell me how to succeed.

I keep trying to succeed and I just keep failing. I just keep failing and am unable to figure out how to succeed. 

I do not want to keep failing. 

I want to begin succeeding and succeeding. I have what it takes to succeed and yet I do not know what to do or how to do what it takes to succeed.

Oh how I need somebody to teach me how to succeed.

I don't want to fail any more.

I want to succeed at something besides my sobriety.

I really want to succeed.

Thank God I Am Sober To Sort Through All Of This.

I Really Want To Succeed.

Succeed at something.

...

Life Sober Life. I Reside With The Love Of My Sobriety.

Life is better that I do not drink. Life did not get any better per se. It just got sober. Cannot, unable, how to figure out how to survive past survive. I am not retarded, I need those pictures of success in my mind to emulate. I do not have those pictures of success in my mind. I am placing them there. Sure wish and want friends to reassure me that my work is good enough to make money from. I need to encourage others more so that they will want to encourage me. Encouraging me is nice to do and I enjoy encouraging myself. Haven't felt like anybody encourages me now that mom is dead (not true though I know, but feel it nonetheless). I know I need to encourage myself but that's a relatively new thing for me. My BFF here and my Cali friend encourage me, just not the same. It's almost as though they doubt my abilities and resolve, or is it me? Self doubt about me succeeding. Probably some of it like def some of it. Cheer Cheer Me On. Cheer Me Me Cheers Me On. LOL.

Life is not any better other than I am alive and attempting to live now, verse flat out trying to kill myself with booze slowly somedays and pouring it on somedays, life is always better sober than not. Life is better sober and yet it has not otherwise gotten any better now that I am sober.

I drank away all the best of my life. I have nothing to offer and feel like some automobile project with its motor stripped out and on blocks, and everything covered with sheets. Waiting to be rebuilt and run again. And yet too old for anything other than recycling.

Life is better now that I do not drink. Life is no different now that I do not drink. I keep trying and trying and trying to succeed and continue on all accounts from employment to friendships and relationships, from love and like, from those I meet and those I know, from whatever I try to accomplish

Instead of succeeding 

Life is better now that I do not drink

And it is the same, I am alone.

I have no success, I am alone.

Therefore I have failed at all but the most important thing in my life that I have ever attained, I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My Sobriety. The precious jewel I have for the singular souvenir of my life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. 

Not love nor family. Not job nor career. Not financial gain nor profitable returns. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

My sobriety. I ruined nearly my entire life drinking only to have sobriety be the sole success of my life. What a sucking bitterly ironic thing. Of all my intelligence, knowledge, wisdom etc., and I am unable to process any other success other than the sole success of the singular success of my sobriety. I reside with the love of my sobriety. Alone.

Life is better that I do not drink. I own my sobriety like I will ever own any other emotion in life. I reside with the love of my sobriety. I am unable to say that about anything else. I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I am alone however I reside with the love of my sobriety.

I have no other success in life than to reside with the love of my sobriety.

Life is far better now that I am sober. I am still alone. Alone with my sobriety.

Seven Years, One Month

 And the only successful thing I ever did in my life was drink. 

Not parenting. Not making friendships. Not building employment history with relevance. Not building a retirement. Not being an husband. Not being a boyfriend. Not being a friend. Not in relationships of any kind. No savings intrinsic or extrinsic. No offerings.

Well I have successfully organic gardened once in a while first when I was a drunk and now that I am sober.

And I am trying to build a photo-printing business with my photography.

Still sober because drinking just is not me anymore. Life sucks right now. I do not need booze to fruck it all up though. I will live through this soberly. I will die if I drink as a drunk, and that is just not happening. I will live through this soberly.

Forever is such a finite word. Finite time sucks. Forever sucks unless forever were with her. 

Love is beautiful. I love her so very profoundly deep. She is beautiful.

I am forever grateful that we remain friends for whom I am still allowed to love and support her in whatever way she is most comfortable. To ensure she is safe is important for me because I simply love her that much.

She is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Those Things I Cannot Change

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Not getting the clues about life is no fun. Realizing after the fact that I was thinking and speaking like I don't want to do anymore is frustrating; especially when it leads to me tying to understand. Sometimes thing that don't need to be thought too much about or thought about not at all.

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. I wish I could just be me and just converse with understanding like everybody else does. No fun working to be and not just being. Normal people have to enjoy conversing more since they "get" what they need to get, and I don't "get" it many times. Many many times I don't get it.

Or worse think that I am conversing "properly" or asking a question, and not get what I should say and do just like "normal" people do. And without over thinking it.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

Really sucks being me. Pity party now lol. Hey I do not nor will not drink alcohol of any form again. Allow me please to post my struggle with finally coming to grips with finally understanding that I really do have Asperger's and am neurodivergent. I am struggling to manage and do much better in communicating with people and make sure that I am effectively positively communicating what and how I really feel. 

Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I have really been praying acceptance in accepting that My Lady may move away. Just accepting that she will be better off away from here. Just praying for her very best. Just loving her in the moment here and now. Only appreciating today and all the beauty we may enjoy today. Just really trying to bravely accept that she may leave. Really praying that whatever she does she has The Blessings of Great Success. I have never loved another so deeply, so greatly. Nine of the most beautiful months I have ever experienced in my life we celebrated yesterday the 16th. The greatest love of my life. and today we have each other. My goodness how greatly I love My Lady. I always pray for her best forever. Wherever her forever is I will pray for her forever. You see I love her so much.

I love her so much that I forever pray that her forever wherever her forever is, is forever happiest forever for My Lady.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

 I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. 

I wish I thought like everyone else. Being different is no fun. 

Sobriety is forever for me whatever my forever is to be. I love my sobriety more than anything else in my life.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

I do not like being different. Being neurodivergent is no fun. Wish I may wish I might...wish I was neurotypical tonight.

Seven Years Sober. Thank God Almighty.

Rather awkward being neurodivergent. I do not always pick up verbal word clues which others readily understand the meaning of.  Relationships didn't come to fruition, friendships failed, and I awkwardly did not understand too many times about work situations until it was too late.

And neither did I understand when My Lady shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever way back when we were first getting to know each other. I thought it was because of doubts about me or the institution of marriage. I did not ever understand until the past week that when she shared with me that she couldn't promise me forever, she meant she couldn't/wouldn't marry me. 

From my understanding at the beginning of our relationship, my neurodivergent mind believed that with my heart of hearts leading me, that My Lady would learn that I was worthy of forever status. never in a million years did I understand that forever was never to be for us. 

I stand fast that I am forever grateful that I did not understand this and proceeded with acting from my heart of hearts, fully believing my directions and showing of love was directed upon me by God. Jesus. The Holy Ghost. I am forever grateful that I discovered how greatly I love My Lady. I am forever grateful that I love My Lady as much as I do. I never fully understood the depth of which loss of hope to be with someone forever can reach until now. I feel such great loss right now.

Should I still call her My Lady when she will never really be My Lady? You see my mind is learning from all of this and I need to learn more greatly. You see I love her beyond description using what I believe is my expansive vocabulary. My heart breaks greatly as I now understand why she could not promise me forever. I thought I needed to earn the status of forever; not that there truly will be no forever for us. I still want and need to call her My Lady as I have always prayed to meet and know and date a woman as wonderfully beautiful in every aspect as My Lady.

She's the best friend I have ever known. My heart is sad. She's a lady and she's my best friend however she's not My Lady anymore than there is a forever for us. I am torn. How much affection should I show her without making her uncomfortable. Do I continue to share with her how much I love her? Do I continue to express Gvgeyuhi (That I love her so greatly that I will give my life to save hers>) Or do I quietly slow down on sharing with her how great my love is for her, so as to not make her feel awkward. You see what is easy for some gets overplayed in my mind with doubt. I have never loved another human being as much as I love her. I want always to be able to express to her how much I love her. I want to until she meets someone who can provide her with all of that of which I cannot, like financial security.

I have returned to my sleeping patterns I struggled with at the turn of this year. Startling awake after 3+ hours of sleep, and unable to comfortably return to sleep for several hours. I must find acceptance immediately. I cannot survive another several years with little to no sleep as I experienced for several years as before meeting and also being treated by My Lady/My Best Friend Ever.

My mind is restless again.

I am unable to find real employment and my vehicle continues to break in new areas.

I have no offers of security for her or for anyone God chooses to place with me to learn and know. 

I can barely keep myself housed, and my vehicle is down again and I haven't made much money again this week. Nothing to offer even myself. I keep trying and I keep failing or not succeeding. 

The only accomplishment I have to offer anyone is my sobriety. I am bankrupt in every other commodity, short of love and compassion and deep abiding care.

And love and compassion and deep abiding care doesn't put food on the table or a roof over the head.

Seven years sober and I am putting my pen away for awhile. How long remains to be seen.

I have thinking and praying and life building I need to do far more than writing out my thoughts and fears and love and loss and gains. 

Seven years sober and I just don't have it in me right now to continue this. Keep your email connection with me and when I may compose again you will be in the loop.

My love is so great for My Lady I will carry her in my heart and mind and soul forever. 

If there really is such a thing as a Soulmate, I have met mine and enjoyed life to the fullest.

Time for me to remember the love we share forever.

Time for me to move myself mentally into a new place in my mind and being and soul.

Time for me to remain single for my life's duration. I just don't want to lose at this depth again. I am not afraid to love again. I have only love to offer and that is not enough to proceed in life with any woman much less My Lady.

I will continue on in life alone as I do not want to hurt like my who being is breaking ever again forever.

Thank god almighty I Am Sober. I Am sober At Last And Loving Sobriety For Seven Years Now. 

I am grateful to experience all that I have experienced with My Lady.

I remain sad that I will not be living soberly forever with My Lady.

Thank you for reading this and I might write again when never becomes now again.

I feel so lost right now.

Sincerely, Ima Sober Alcoholic.

Retirement. Although I Know Well Enough To Never Say Never.

 After posting my seven year celebration post tomorrow, I will be ceasing my writing of this blog. 

I don't wish to share what I am feeling for awhile. I will remain sober of course. I just need to listen because my heart is too broken to try and think much less write. I am tired of thinking. The greatest love of my life will remain so. I really believed God answered my prayers when I met My Loving Lady. Honestly believed that the woman I prayed to meet was her. Really do still believe she is. Really so sad for me and so very happy for her. I always delight in what is best for her. Still do. Withdrawing from the Florida job because I didn't want to compete against my best friend remains the best act I have ever done for a friend. I pray she gets the job because she fits the job. I am proud of all of My Lady's accomplishments. She is an incredible human being. I love her beyond beyond what I ever knew love could be. I love everything about her the good and the not so good. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. She is the most beautiful woman in the world and God blessed me with introduction to her.